Hi Everyone

I’m new to the site and haven’t tried anything like this before but I’m hoping it will be beneficial as I think my feelings of isolation and loneliness trigger my depression. 

I’d been on Citalopram for about a year and a half and it was doing a great job.  I foolishly thought I’d be strong enough to come off it about 2 months ago but, in the past couple of weeks, I seem to have plummeted lower than ever.  I’ve even lost all interest in food but am stockpiling giant bars of Cadburies Dairy Milk.

I do recognise that I need to go back on the Citalopram and don’t really have a problem with this.  I suppose, probably, the reason that I’m turning to this site is that I feel I’m expecting too much of my friends to help me get through this again.

I do feel a bit vulnerable but I don’t want to feel sorry for myself.  I lost my Mum when I was about 13, to cancer and my Dad died of it 10 years ago.  In my second session of counselling (which has just finished), a wonderful lady made me see myself as that 13 year old and I realised how abandoned and “lost” I must have felt at the time.  She also told me that I needed to learn to love myself which is something that I struggle with.

It just feels as if everything is a bit of a battle at the moment and I seem to have made a mess of my life.  Despite being fairly intelligent with a degree in English Literature, I’m working in a very undemanding office-based job which is eroding my confidence at an alarming speed.  I’d love to identify what I really want to do - preferably something to do with health or fitness - and have the courage to pursue this. 

The really sad thing is that I am due to go to Mexico next week to do a charity cycle ride in aid of Cancer Research, and at the moment, I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less.  I just want to pull a duvet over me for the foreseeable future.

xx

You seem an amazing intellectual woman who has a wonderful zest for life to say you would go to Mexico for charity, How wonderful. I am so sorry to read about your mum and dad that was very sad. I love reading about spiritualists Colin Fry, Mia Dolan, Sylvia Browne there is even a spitiualist who visits this site the greenladyXx If you read the books I read you’d know your mum and dad would hate you to feel abandoned they would be proud of their beautiful intelligent wonderful daughter who has a degree and has compassion to do sponsored rides for charity. My guess is they are with you now, you are never abandoned they watch over their precious beautiful daughter with pride and love. Depression is like the flu its not your fault you have a little imbalance of chemicals in the brain and you’ll get better now because you want to XXHUGXX. Exercise is wonderful for depression absolutely the greatest cure and fighter of the blues. You ll release loads of happy chemicals the drugs give you. Why do you do such a mundane job ? Do you have to? do you have children ? You would make a wonderful fitness instructor you know you would. Could you do a course or night class or study fitness. I have just been reading spark how exercise improves the brain and cures anxiety and depression. Have you read Marissa’s book ultimate confidence Xx that book has helped lots of people on this site, she is very clever and the book struck a cord with me. There is wonderful advice on how to feel you are enough and believing you are enough you are able to change your mind set and build confidence. I just want to give you a massive hug Xxx and say be strong, look for all the best ways to help you and never give up looking for a solution because you’ll find happiness like so many of us do. My depression was about change movement flow recreating myself about ME without the painful experiences I have had I would not have evolved, matured, become who I am now. Depression gave me the strength I never knew I had to prove to myself how wonderful I can be, what I can acheive, what I am capable of with that push, because if I was content I would not have been depressed, so I evolved improve and succeeded to a place which is worth living in Xxx I hope I helped XXXHUGXX

Thanks so much for your response, Chloe.  Your wonderful words were a great comfort and brought tears to my eyes immediately.

I think I’m in this job due to a lack of confidence.  At school I felt I wasn’t clever enough to do ‘A’ levels and fell into office work - probably because it was easy and there wasn’t a lot of careers advice around in those days.

Up until starting this job about nine months ago, I’ve maybe been frustrated in some of the jobs I’ve done but there have been aspects that I’ve enjoyed.  I like to be with people and have a bit of banter to get thru the day, but here I’m in an office on my own.  The other secretarial staff don’t socialise at all - in fact, days can go by without seeing them - and the academics are a load of stuffed shirts full of their own self-importance!

Ah, I digress.  If anything, the experiences that I have gone through with my parents should have taught me that life is too short.  I want to take life by the scruff of its neck instead of just letting it happen to me.

I don’t have children and split up with my long term partner two years ago.  Although the split was initiated by me, I do miss being in a relationship and that feeling of someone being “there” for you at the end of the day.

I don’t want to start 2010 in this way.  When I’m feeling positive, I have lots of plans for change but these soon become smothered by my lack of confidence.  I definitely want to seek out the book you mention, Ultimate Confidence.  I want to feel that I can achieve anything and that I can reach for the stars. 

You’ve really helped and it’s good to talk to someone who has been through similar experiences and has come out the other side.  You sounds extremely positive and inspirational and it makes complete sense to see the process as one of evolvement.  It helps to be able to share whatever problems we are going through and writing them down and trying to address them makes them seem less hopeless.

Thank you so much and a big hug xxx

You are more than welcome XXXHUGXXX The job sounds really lonely !!! I used to be a lab techinician and my job was so lonely, the other scientists used to say you should be somewhere full of other people, your wasted. I was told more othen than not, not to waste the skill I had of being able to communicate with people and enjoy the company of others. I had this wonderful skill that was not put to use. I became a lab technician to keep my mum happy. I really wanted to be a hair dresser, oh gosh I would have made a brilliant little chatty hairdresser on my YTS scheme, yet she hit the roof. So I went to college and became a miserable lab technician that made hundreds of mistakes nearly blew up the laboratory with alcoholic extractions and nearly killed everybody with cyanide gas because I forgot to turn on the fume cupboard. In hindsight it all looks so obvious doing something I wasn’t happy about I was lousey ha ha !!! oh yes I forgot the time this lad asked me to weigh out his penicillin because he was highly allergic to it and I sneezed and the whole lot blew up in his face. I am guessing you would be happier being around people XxI would seriously look at following your dream, and get trained as a gym instructor soooo cool Xx it’s your passion and it’s all in marissa’s book ha ha Does get me thinking when i am a square peg in a round hole it’s not part of my journey. Somebody is saying hey this seat is taken go and find your own !! and when I do find my seat like godilocks I am really really happy and glad I continued my search because I have found the nicest people and the happiest places for me. People who give me energy, make me feel alive, happy and well, give my soul spirit and well being. When I find my va va voom I know there is lots of room for me to grow flourish XXX I guess I need passion to get me out of bed in the morning. I talk about me so I do not assume what you are thinking and you can discover YOU through your own thoughts and I am not telling you what you should be thinking. So when I talk I talk about me to inspire support in you and get a response to how you might feel and then you’ll solve your own worries Xx Empathy Xx my way is not assuming I know how you feel, just hear to listen how you feel XXXHUGXXX so sorry I rattle on about me and thats my empathy Xx please say when we get it wrong the feedback is challenging and creates a new idea or passion in another. Brencoot does not agree with me sometimes and it makes me improve and develop ha ha Have a wonderful day beautiful friend XXXHUGXXX

Dear Fiona-Mary, I am sorry that it has taken me so long to post this reply.  I have been wanting to get back to you since I read your first post in November.  I was totally inspired when I read it.  Reading your story it sounds to me like you are very close to your solution.  I think that you are much closer than you could probably imagine.  You are so aware of what is and isn’t working in your life which means that you are focusing on what you would like in your life and you are already inviting and bringing it into your life.  I really do believe that heaven helps those who help themselves. And you are doing that.  If there is something you badly want, assume that you are perfectly entitled to attain this and start inviting it into your life.  This includes getting better, being happy, being in a wonderful relationship and anything else wonderful you would like to have in your life.

It also sounds like you have a healthy attitude towards antidepressants.  They can be a helping hand and a temporary emotional crutch that can be invaluable.  They can give us the lift we need to get us off the bottom of the well, onto the first step of the ladder to feel resourceful enough to start some for of psychotherapy or counselling or can give us a boost to feel stronger and cope a little better. I am glad that you found a wonderful therapist.  I too have stopped taking my antidepressants suddenly in the past and paid the price by feeling worse than I could ever have imagined possible.  I truly feel for you and hope that you are feeling better.  While antidepressants are not supposed to be addictive, many people suffer bad side-effects when stopping taking them suddenly.

I like Chloe’s idea of studying in the evenings.  Keeping the familiarity and security of your job and having the excitement and challenge of studying for something that you want to do like your PT qualifications in your spare time may fill the gap you are feeling in your life at the moment.  You will be with lots of like minded people on your course but it won’t feel like it’s a huge scary leap into the unknown.  There will be less pressure if you keep your job for the time being.  I have a friend in her 40s who has done just that.  She is now a qualified Personal Trainer and is doing a course in sports massage too.  She already has a couple of clients and is very very happy again.  And she’s made lots of new friends.
You have obviously been very strong in your life Fiona which can seem like life is always a fight.  I really feel that that feeling may be coming to an end.  I think that you underestimate your self confidence Fiona-Mary as many people stay in a relationship for fear of being alone.  You left yours.  However you did that, you did it.  Whether you reasoned with yourself that it was better for the other person or however you reasoned it, your gut is pursuing what is right.  I wish you a fantastic 2010 Fiona-Mary in which all your dreams start to come true and long may they continue.  Best wishes, Helen

The guardian tuesday 5 Jan 2010 - Mindfulnesss Three minute exercise
mindfulness is described as a way of paying attention to feelings ans emotions so that they can be managed. It involves meditation , yoga and breathing techniques.
’ three minute breathing space’
1. ask yourself what is my experience right now ? and notice any body sensation, thoughts or feelings you are having without judging them.
2. place your attention on your breathing following the in-and-out breath as it naturally occurs.
3. Expand your awareness to the whole of your body continuing to notice any thoughts feelings or physical sensations that occur without judgemant.
Hope this helps :0) xx