my head seems so muddled up… its weird… when i was first diagnosed with depression i felt suicidal.. and now i dont.. its like i dont want to live.. but i dont want to die… how can that make sense?! when i was suicidal i thought that .. when i wasnt suicidal that means that im not depressed… but its not like that at all.. im exactly the same just i dont have suicidal thoughts… like wtf? surely i should be feeling better?! its like im existing .. im just so exhausted i cant seem to do anything… i have been kicked of my football team because i said i wasnt feeling well and missed 2 matches.. and im gutted ..on sunday its the anniversary of the death of my friend and i wanted to play football (i was meant to be playing a match then) ... and i felt it would keep me busy but also feel intouch with my friend because thats how we met… i dont know what to do ... depression has now took my football away… my mam has said that she thinks i need to see my doctor and ask to see someone ...but i said i was waiting for an appointment to see a counselor.. and she said i should ask to see a psychologist… i feel as if im falling apart… i am more tearful and getting more headaches

Hi Clinging on, to feel like we are existing is a horrible feeling isn’t it?  I did it for years too.  I felt like the world had left me behind and went on without me.  I felt numb.  I’m afraid it seems to be part and parcel of depression along with all the other rubbish side effects and symptoms.  There aren’t any good ones I’m afraid, not that I noticed anyway.
So I know what you mean about not wanting to live nor die and just existing.  I do think it will pass though.  I’m not saying it will happen soon I’m not saying it won’t. 
I do hope your counselling appointment comes through soon.  How do you feel about asking to see a psychologist as well?  Would you like to see a psychologist?
I wonder if subconsciously you didn’t want to play football or if it was too much effort at the moment or you thought you should be doing it? I’m only saying that because that’s what happened to me.  Things and people that and who I didn’t care much for fell by the wayside by cause and effect during my depression.  Either I didn’t bother doing it or running round after those people who had previously drained me mainly because I didn’t have the energy but looking back it was all for the best.
They do say that if tears are soup for the soul and if we don’t cry our organs weep (i.e. that we get ill) so crying isn’t always bad but I suspect you’re fed up of crying.  My doctor advised me to put aside my sadness for part of the day and set aside a time to be sad and worry about what I was worried about.  It’s not easy but it did work for me and it gave temporary relief from the debilitating, all enc?ompassing and overwhelming sadness.  It might be worth a try particularly today.
Sunday probably won’t be easy but if the option of football has been removed from the equation what about thinking of something else less exhausting?  Did you used to go to the cinema together?  I can recommend ‘TED’.  Did you used to go shopping together?  You could buy a wee token in her memory that reminds you of her.  If you used to play football together what about watching a football match on TV and think of her or going to watch the football team you used to play for and cheer them on.  Not being an expert on football but having friends who play I find that much more fun.  Whatever you do, I’m thinking of you.  Helen