Hi my name is Ann and I’m suffering with depression.I have been off work for nearly a year now apart from a brief spell back at work(phased return) and have also been in hospital for 2 months following a suicide attempt! It is hard at times but I have had some wonderful support from friends,work managers and the mental health team BUT why do I still wake up at times wondering why did I wake up at all?? How long does depression last? I’ve had a friend it is now time to move on and smile! I am just looking for like minded people to have chats with and find answers! Thanks for listening

Hi Ann, glad you’re here.  I have been where you’ve been but too started trying to smile and now it comes easier.  There are lots of like minded and I’ve found kind people on this site.  Well done for coming so far.  I do hope that you appreciate how far it is and that you are proud of yourself and praise yourself for it.  I try to do that now rather than verbally beat myself up.  I’m not that bad!  Take care, Will

Hi thanks Will for your kind words I’m taking one day at a time!

Hello Will and Gibbly ..I haven’t been on here for a long time ...I believe about two years..I watched my daughter dance today in a show she is 9 years old and I was choked and I cried they all looked so beautiful her courage and strength and her tenacy she inspired me and I found myself uplifted after the show ..it is such a shame live performances are so expensive to watch. I sing and dance around my house ..I hope the neighbours dont see me… !! I remember a time when I didn’t want to get out of bed. I remember a time when I thought life is not worth living ...something really horrible happened to me and I now suffer from the occasional anxiety..then I went on a little self help mission and yes I pulled through ..I told myself life is about to get lovelier every day ...and it has ..helen calls it baby steps..I call it small digestible chunks..I started power walking that really improved my outlook ..sports helped me..sending you a hug Xxx Chloe

Hello Xx
Little self helps that helped me was listening to self help not reading ...my eyes would not work I was too tired to read. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ...going to groups with other people ..listening to them..patting myself on the back instead of beating myself up even if I just managed one thing I said to myself well done you ..instead of focusing on what I had lost ..I enjoyed..mindfulness meditation..classical music..becoming pro active ..you might not feel like that yet this was what I did ..I don’t want to give advice I am hoping to spark off some ideas from you just talking about me ..and my journey ..Stay Strong ..and I allowed myself the odd slip ..gosh nobody is perfect. I also found myself a good network of support, people that drained me I tended to avoid as much as I loved them ..people that give me energy love and encouragement (Helen Mac Nallen) I tended to drift towards ..I hung out with people who made me feel good about myself people who care and love me Xx I hope I helped you today Xx

Hello Ann, you sound like an amazing lady.  You’ve come so far and acknowledge all the people around you for their help and support.  The real support and change came from you and from within.  There can be as much help and support around us but if we don’t let it in it can’t help.  At the end of the day it’s up to us so I do hope you acknoweldge yourself and praise yourself for all your hard work on the way back.  We all thrive on praise and self praise is no different. Give praise where praise is due.  I think and have found that if I ignore my good and berate myself too often with m inner critic, negative thoughts and depression can creep up on me again. 

I too have been in that place that you have and ended up in hospital.  It’s a very dark place isn’t it that one wouldn’t wish on anyone and wouldn’t expect anyone to understand because to understand I feel they would have had to be somewhere close to that darkness.  You’ve found your way back and have come so far.  I think many people have days they wish they ‘weren’t here’, even if they don’t think of the consequences of that wish, as sometimes things can seem too much to bear or we feel so low we can’t imagine feeling better,hopeful,  happy or in control again.  When I feel like that I try very hard to change my thoughts. When I’m well I know it’s my thoughts that put me there but when I’m down I forget and if I could remember I often don’t have the energy to fight it or believe it as I can’t imagine feeling well again but it passes and I do. 

It always seems very unfair to me that everything that is incongruent with depression is good for it like exercise, eating well, setting small goals and achieving them, laughing, socialising.  No one feels like doing any of these when they’re down.  Sometimes I force myself but sometimes allow myself to give into it and try again ‘tomorrow’ if I have the time to allow me to do that.  In the past always thought that big achievements and big experiences made life and aimed for that but there aren’t enough of these things in life to rely on and I have found that little things really can make a big difference and are cumulative. So the one thing I do most days is have a cappuccino - I love coffee, it’s easy, not to expensive, I can do it mostly wherever I am and it makes a difference to my day and cumulatively my life.  It’s my treat.  Do you have one? 
You take care.  Helen

Chloe how lovely to hear from you.  Thank you so much for your kind words and letting us know how you’re doing. It sounds like you’re doing well.  I bet your heart melted seeing your daughter on stage.  Children are magical aren’t they, so pure and straight forward and straight talking aren’t they.  They take everything in their stride and are so uncomplicated and positive.  I’m not sure when people become and feel their lives become complicated.  Is it puberty or life?  Whatever it is, I wish we could stop it happening and be more like children in our outlook and trust in the outcome.
It sounds like life has been busy for you the last two years and you’ve been on quite a journey.  I do hope you feel your efforts are being rewarded. You deserve them to be. You are a strong and wise person and have always been so kind to others.  If you don’t feel you’re there yet, I feel you can’t be far away.  Take care and be well Chloe.  Best wishes, Helen

Thank you Helen Xx such a beautiful post and reflection of you…Yes I have traveled…one must travel ! sadly I have been stuck in a few traffic jams. Helen 2 years ago I was so gutted with life’s torturous outcomes I threw myself down and said ..for christ sake ..give me a sign ..and my boden catalogue came through the front door and at the bottom it said ‘life is about to get lovelier.’..and it has !!! it took time yet it got lovelier and lovelier and I have met the most beautiful kind genuine people on the way. I stop and reflect some days on all on the anguish sadness and heartache and thank god or who ever I feel looks after me because I would not budge I was settled I had to have a tiny explosion under me an impetus to move me in the right direction back to being myself back to finding myself my love my laughter the genuinely happy me inside and to do that I had to give everything up and start again…to find what Marissa calls my passion..ummm I think I might almost be there because I enjoy my life ..If I had not had the most horrendous experience years ago I would not have change my direction not found my ex husband not had my daughter and not be here now with you Xx Sometimes people can make me anxious ..give me a hard time..I just let them get on with it..my gift not materialistic to let that person feel better about themselves at my expense…I thought I should pop back on ..thank you for helping me loving me and giving the strength to live my life one step at a time without a rush..I was too busy to be able to thank you yet my love and respect goes out to all the people on this site who gave me their time ..their love their kindness their patience and their respect ..THANK YOU XX HUG X I feel sooooooooo different and gosh so much better Xxx

Dear beautiful Ann Xxx
A song to your depression Xx you can beat it X

The higher you build your barriers
The taller I become
The farther you take my rights away
The faster I will run
You can deny me
You can decide to turn your face away
No matter, cos there’s….

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho’ you’re doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

The more you refuse to hear my voice
The louder I will sing

Labi Saffi

A song to Ann Xxx

You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me
Can’t you see
Your everything I hoped for
Your everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

Such joy and happiness you bring
Such joy and happiness you bring
Like a dream
A guiding light that shines in the night
Heavens gift to me
You are so beautiful to me

Joe Cocker

Hi thank you everyone for your replies I’m sorry I haven’t replied before now! I’m doing ok still not back at work yet but they have been supportive and arranged some counselling for me starting next week and also have 6 sessions with a cpn so who knows? When I saw my consultant again I asked him how long I would feel like this and he said that the mind can take knocks that don’t heal likes bruises so be patient! I find that just going on here helps me and hopefully one day Ican help others…

Dear Ann, it’s good to hear from you.  Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing.  It sounds like you’ve been busy getting lots organised.  Glad to hear your counselling starts next week and help from a CPN.  That can only be good can’t it.  Hope you have a lovely weekend and look forward to hearing how it’s going whenever and if you feel like it.  Best wishes, Helen

Hi Ann, sounds like you’re doing OK.  Good to hear.  You deserve it.  Hope the therapy is good too and keeps you doing better.  You’re definitely headed that way.  Have a good weekend. Will

Will I hope you are well and life is treating you well ...I went back to spinning the other night at the gym..I felt amazing afterwards ..however today I am soooooooo stiff ..yet I feel proud of my stiffness ...solid full on indoor cycling for one hour !!!
It makes an amazing difference to the way I feel when I have made myself exercise ..what have you been up to ? Xx Chloe

Hello Ann Xxx I found I recovered after 6 months ..I spent a lot of time in bed. I was very weak and ill..my main route to recovery was finding myself again, being around people who made me laugh made me happy…cognitive behaviour therapy ..listened to Wayne Dyer, Marisa Peer, Anthony Robbins,  I focused on positive books positive places positive people , kind caring loving people and people who I could trust. I only allowed my self to go into the pity pool for 20% of my time ..the rest of the 80% I made myself upbeat. I look at the misery and strength of other people in our country the homeless the disabled ..I made myself feel blessed and instead of not wanting to welcome the day..I praised the day I was alive I listened to the little bird on the roof and thought how beautiful his little song…I might sound nutty but instead of dreading the day I looked for the beauty around me things that made me smile and warmed my insides…when anything horrible happened I looked for the advantage I gained from that experience like I was collecting assets in my life’s riches ..gaining powerful knowledge and experience from what I first saw as bad ..I thanked the experience because I learnt from my mistakes..for example I got bullied at work I thanked the bully I grew stronger and more powerful than them because they persistently knock me down I laugh now I became better at my job thanks to their put downs ..the boyfriend that was cruel I thanked because he taught me so much and I thought thank goodness I never had to endure him in my life feeling unappreciated and it has left the way for somebody who might cherish me and know what being cherished is because he lacked it and appreciate the loving cherishers in my life because thanks to him I could tell the difference and be with somebody who deserved my love. One day beautiful Ann you’ll help others and be blessed with the knowledge love and kindness you found from your illness which may or may not led you on an adventure of self discovery and blessings. I hope with all my heart you gain…because life is about to get lovelier ..its on its way XxHelen called my little hiccups adventures ..I love that expression ..so I have used it again Xx I hope your day is filled with adventures Xx Chloe