I’m not really sure what to say but I’ll try explaining my situation. I feel like I have depression.(I could be wrong..)

  I’m 19 years old and pretty much all my life I’ve constantly worried from waking up in the morning to going to bed at night, if I don’t worry it makes me feel weird and then I obsess until I find something to worry over) . I got on with it and put on a brave face but over the past two years it’s gotten worse and I don’t know what to do. I’m in pain constantly.. (i.e. sharp pain in my ribs that can last up to twenty minutes and stops me from doing anything, chest pain, numbness and tingling in arms and feet, I often feel that my heart is beating way too fast, I also get tingling in my ears as well as constant sharp headaches that lead to blurred vision.) I also feel quite ‘spaced out’ often too..
I go through most days where I end up thinking about killing myself, I’m currently sat at work obsessing over the thought of how easy it would be for me to pick up a knife and stab myself. (I have also self harmed before.)  I never leave my house unless I’m going to work (which makes me feel sick and I get ridiculously worried.) I always avoid social situations, I think the last time I went out with any friends would be in 2012 when I left college. But now I see no one. I’m incredibly anxious around people, I avoid eye contact and like I said I just pretty much always avoid social situations. The thought of leaving my house makes me feel sick. I always feel like I can see people of things out of the corner of my eyes too, but when I look there’s nothing there.. I also have a low self esteem/ low self confidence.  I can’t walk past big groups of people without panicking, if I’m stood near people and they laugh I assume it’s about me and again I panic.(But I just assumed it was nothing as I’ve been struggling with that since the age of 11.)
I’m constantly sad, I can feel happy for a short while but then it’s just like I make myself think that I always have to be sad. (Does that make sense?) I feel worthless and I just feel like things would be easier for a lot of people if I wasn’t around.  Can anyone help me? I don’t know what to do, I’m too embarrassed to talk to family as I love them to pieces but I feel like if they can’t see what’s wrong with me then I’m just being stupid.

Anyway, sorry for such a monologue, I’m probably just being stupid as usual and there’s more than likely nothing wrong with me..

Hi Laura I think you’ve explained your condition perfectly and clearly.  Would you feel able to do so to your GP?  Helen

Hi Helen,
I’ve booked myself in for an appointment on Monday evening. But I’m worried that my doctor will just think I’m being stupid so I now feel like I should just cancel it and try and just get on with it.

Not at all Laura and if the doctor does then I would say see another doctor.  I have experienced ALL your feelings Laura and still do see things or people that aren’t there and feel dizzy with stress which I think is probably similar to your spacey feelings.  You are certainly not being stupid and no one who is knowledgeable will think that.  Thoughts and depression can be very powerful as our thoughts are powerful and the mind is powerful.  I know what you mean about not wanting to discuss it with your family too as you love them and you probably don’t want to worry or shock them.  Many people feel like that.  It often helps to get it off your chest though so talking to your GP or to a therapist and to us can help.  I am so glad you found us.  Many including myself seek isolation when we are not feeling good.  It is a very common symptom of depression.  Is there anyone you would feel comfortable spending time with whom you can be yourself with even when you are not feeling great?  The fact that you keep going to work is great so you can do it when you need to.  I was the same.  I used to go to bed all weekend and just get up on Monday to go to work.  I now know that wasn’t the best thing to do but it was the only thing I could do at the time and the only way I could cope.  I do know that when my sister in law used to call for me with the dogs and force me to go out for a walk that I felt better after so I would recommend trying to get out with people you do feel comfortable with even if you don’t feel like it. There are lots of depression groups like Depression Alliance that you can just go along to when you feel like it.  It helped me to feel I was not alone.  You are not Laura and we are always here.  I would urge you to keep your appointment with your doctor. We are here to hear how it goes and here for you.  Helen

I love Chloe’s analogy of life as a witch and a bitch.  It’s great and true.