I’ve slipped into an anxious and depressive state in the last couple of months following some botched bathroom work that i believe has also resulted in some structural damage to our house. Having councelling and also doc intially prscribed beta blockers and now an ssri.  Really worried about job as unable to concentrate.  I feel there is no answer to the bathroom problems, they will never get resolved.  Trying to pursue claim through my insurers legal cover but giving them hard evidence will mean having to take down part of kitchen ceiling or taking up the bathroom floor.  The whole experience is so draining.  Ive found cracks in loft walls that were not there before they did there work as well. Im normally so on top of things but really dont know how to deal with this. I cant see a way out.

Dear Martin, I am sorry to hear about your experience.  Can I start by saying though that you have good reason to be feeling stressed and down.  I feel sure that the solution seems a long way off with you saying you can’t see a way out.  I find it helpful to break things down into smaller chunks when I feel like that and even though that may seem to make my goal a long way it off it never is and it’s better than not starting at all which is often the only alternative when I get very down about things and proscrastinate and I feel like I’m doing something which always makes me and indeed human beings feel better.  I have spoken to a builder friend who suggested calling building control who may send out a building inspector.  That may be a reasonable first port of call and you’re doing something proactive and contacting people in the know.  I always feel better when I feel in control.  You say you don’t know what to do about this and neither should you, it’s not your area of expertise.  When people have a problem with their accounts they go to their accountant and if they have a problem with their health we go to a doctor so I try to go to the experts and delegate where I can now.  You’ve approached the insurers which is another step towards getting things sorted.
Life throws stuff as us when we really could do without it but as I’m always being told, it’s how we deal with it that makes the difference to us and not the problem.
Can I ask if your panic attacks started with this or if this has just compounded your stress and anxiety?
If you feel your counselling helped would you like to ask for some more?  I found that I couldn’t concentrate with valium or high doses of my drugs.  Could you try talking to your doctor about this.  There may be other antidepressants that don’t have lack of concentration.  Focusing on my breathing - counting out for 5, holding for 2 and breathing in for 5 has been a big help for calming me down when I find my thoughts and heart racing.
Just hang on in there Martin.  We are always here.  Things will get better and change for the better. One thing we are guaranteed is change. I just hope that it happens very soon for you.  I also find that when I feel I can’t take any more things finally get better.  A friend of mine says that’s because when we let go, things come to us!  She’s a lot wiser than I am and I don’t know why that has to be but it does seem to be true.  You sound at the end of your tether so change could be just around the corner!  Maybe if nothing else right now try to at least take comfort in that.  Take care Martin.  Thinking of you.  Helen

Helen thanks. Ive only just started with the ssris after my wife persueded me to go back to the docs as my mood was worsening and could focus on little else including an inability to focus on my work. I am going to take more councelling through my health insurance.  Really not sure about the pills only had 2 sofar but would herbal remedy be better?

I have always been an anxious person and this has just tipped me over the edge. I have involved a structural engineer and a builder now but prob is the bathroom is ‘finished’ so to get evidence neded will mean taking up the bathroom floor or parts of kitchen ceiling.  Also poss tiles off the wall.  Nightmare. Then if there is damage we have to try action against the original plumber.  Doubt there will be much chance so will have to pay ourselves. Finding all this massively stressful.  I have tried building control, who weren’t much help. 

I’m also looking at self help, mindfulness etc, which was how i found your book. We are on holiday (i nearly didn’t travel) , so a good time to read.  I am desparate to get back to fully functioning again as this is a frightening experience.  I really cant lose my job over it if i cant get better fast.  We also have 2boys 11 and 13 and the eldest has developed contamination ocd this year, so more stress and obviously especially for my wife. Right now life is sh*t.  Martin

Someone was only saying to me yesterday that if we are depressed we are worried and dwelling on the past and if we are anxious we are worried and dwelling on the future and if were just to focus on the present we wouldn’t be worried and would be able to handle everything more easily and readily and calmly.  Her logic and the logic of mindfulness apparently (it’s on my list too) RIGHT NOW there is nothing to be worried about and enjoying the moment is where we all would benefit and take what the future brings in our stride. 
Easier said than done and I’m with you that Life can be a real ‘s**t’ but you are on your holiday at the moment and just imagine how much better you could feel and indeed you’ll all feel if you can just try to switch off from worrying for the duration of your holiday and see how you feel when you get back.  The stuff won’t go away (some of it might) but might look a lot different when you get back.  You deserve this break Martin and well done you for travelling.  I still regret going on some lovely holidays due to my depression.  Looking back I am sure they would have helped.  Do try to enjoy it and let it do what a holiday meant to do and that’s recharge you and pamper you.  We’ll be here while you’re away and when you come back whenever you want us so try to put off the worry for a while and see how it looks later.  Thinking of you Martin.  I am sorry about your son.  It sounds like he’ll probably benefit from the break too.  Helen

Thanks helen. Holiday is proving tough.  Not sleeping well as waking early in the morning so not helping my general low mood. Wonder if this is effect of the ssri ive been taking for a week now. Want to ask doc if i can just stop now. Am trying to look at returning home more positively but it all seems so huge a problem at present. Dont know how i am going to be able to work - so much is expected of me, but my ability to do the job just seems to have gone.

I blame myself for the problems and keepwishing we’d never had the work done,almost visualising it as it used to be.  As mad as it may seem it almost feels like grief.

Hi Martin, hat sounds like a pain. Do you think that paying a small amount to get a lawyer’s letter drawn up and sent could shame the guy who’s messed up to either sort it or pay for corrective work?  If the guy knows he’s messed up he might be willing to work with you to sort it. 
You can’t blame yourself though mate.  I think you are being far too hard on yourself about everything and feeling the pressure of everything right now.  I do when I take everything on my shoulders.  I’m guilty of doing that.  I went on holiday with my kids and partner very stressed last year and ended up ruining the break for the first few days certainly for myself and obviously for everyone else and it took my partner having a real go at me to let go until we got back and I really felt better for it.  I actually started to enjoy the holiday and myself on the second to last day before we came back.  Hindsight heh.  I’m thinking of you mate.  Will

Thanks will. I have got lawyer involved through my insurers legal cover, but problem is having sufficient proof. Talking to structural engineer and builder also and we have to open up some of the work for them to see and report on what is potentially wrong.  Plumbr has drilled through some of my ceiling joists to hide pipe work and also i believe chased too much from external load bearing wall to bury sink pipes.
I just wish i had never had this done.  I also want to sleep and dont know how i can go back to work next week in this frame of mind.

Hi Martin, I think that your word grief probably describes very well how you are feeling.  It’s a good choice of word and describes to me very well how you feel.  I wish you didn’t feel like that though. There is something reliable, comfortable and reassuring about anything old and your old bathroom probably never let you down so to finally take the plunge to get a new one that doesn’t even work must be awful.  But none of this is your fault.  You were only trying to do the right thing and get your family and you a new bathroom.  I do feel that you are being very hard on yourself.  None of this is your fault.  It certainly sounds as if you’re doing all the right things to try to do something about it so hopefully something helpful will come out of all that you’ve put in place to try to get this sorted.
There is a book called - Depressive Illness -The curse of the strong by Dr Tim Cantopher.  I feel this book describes you very well and indeed others like you who are suffering from depression.  Often perfectionists, hard workers who keep their heads down are the ones who end up suffering.  I’m guilty of it too. We take little credit for the things that go right that we do right but are sure to take the blame when something doesn’t go so well.  I do hope that you are feeling some benefit of that holiday.  Thinking of you Martin.  Helen

Thanks for the kind words Helen.  I also dont know if i should inform my insurance co of the situation. I am looking to progress this with the people providing the legal cover, but havent spoken to the buildings/contents insurer. However fact i found cracks in loft internal walls following work done, plus worries about them having caused potential damage by drilling through joists, makes we wonder if i should.  We arejust worried they may say they wont insure the house now. Again just dont know what to do.  they wont cover damage caused by building works anyway so will informing them just cause me more problems?

I cant prove the loft wall cracks are down to the bathroom work but am convinced it is.  These were not there previously.  I have builder coming to look at situation with the joists next weds and will also ask him to look at the loft walls.  Will also ask structural surveyor to attend with him.  No one seems to want to say so yet and without anything concrete the legal people dont want to take any further .  Am finding this all so stressful so remain consumed with negative thoughts about it.  Last few days of holiday now and i just dont want to go back and face all of this.

Ive also got a drainage and roofing problem to decide what to do about and stressful job to go back to.  Plus i realy dont want to be taking the sertraline ive been prescribed.  Doc has said i can come off.  Is st johs wort a good alternative?

I feel i have so many decisions to make now and dont know what to do.  Prioritising is the right thing but right now i dont know how to prioritise.  Am sorry this is sounding so negative.

Hi guys last day of holiday today and really dont know how i can go back and deal with all the stuff at home. To be honest being away has been really tough and i know ive been tough to be with as ive been very down.  I have to go back to work tues also and try and focus on that in a stressful job.

Ive been waking early around 4 or 5 am the whole holiday which has really got me down as was hoping i mightat least be able to catch up on some sleep. The last 2 nights its been 2 am, and feel awful.  Dont know if this is the depression as i know its a symptom or side effect of the sertraline ive been taking for about 2 weeks now.  Think i might stop it for few days and see if i sleep better - any thoughts on this?  I cant stand the lack of sleep makes my mood worse.

Have also stopped drinking coffee - could be withdrawal?

Grateful for any replies just dont know how i can keep going with all this.

Hi Martin, I feel for you.  The worry is exhausting isn’t it?  My father always says that things are never as bad as you expect them to be.  Whilst it never helped me when I was stressing and depressed, looking back and now I realise he is right.  I wish you could just switch your head off for a couple of days or even a few hours and not allow yourself to think about your worries.  I work quite hard at trying to do that and live in the present and do feel better when I do.  When I can make myself do that I do go back to thinking about my worries differently and get temporary relief. My therapist used to tell me not to allow any of my worries to enter my head for a time (‘long enough not to be rude’ were his words!) and give my head and body a break.  It does work for me but it took me a long time to be in the space to even try it so I do empathise Martin. The time when we really need this help is when we don’t feel able to put it into practise!  I also used to try thinking that with a few days ahead of me before going back to work that I had ages and try to calm myself down.  That worked for me too but I realise that we are all very different and all at different places along the line of our experiences and lives.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and sort things out for you Martin but if thoughts can change your situation for the better, believe me it’s changing as I’m thinking about you.  Helen

Thank you again for the kind words Helen.  I am going to try and be more positive and assertive about trying to get things moving.  Breaking the problems into smaller chunks and prioritising as you mentioned earlier.  What else is there?  Hopefully I can summon the mental strength to do so and keep on top of work also.  I do understand the depression is an illness so how much do I put myself through as I want to feel better.  I am still really worried nothing will get resolved as I’ve lost the assertiveness I had previously and that ability to get things done as I want them.

Hi Martin, I felt like a different person too and always wanted the ‘old me’ back.  It’s hard to believe that we felt we were once so assertive and able to do everything and then we can’t do it but I think there’s our answer - we used to try to do everything and expect to be able to do it.  We refuse to listen when our mind wants to slow down so our bodies have to shut us down.  Then we can’t do anything.  That’s what I believe depression is.  It’s our bodies trying to protect us. It puts us in to hibernation to heal. 
My concern is that all your efforts are going into stuff you really don’t want to do or enjoy doing and that no thought is going into what you are happier doing or what relaxes and calms you.  I try to balance my life more now when and if I can.  It seems life will always insist in throwing rubbish at us but we can choose to put some good stuff in to our lives too to balance it so it doesn’t all seem so dreadful and hard going.  As tiny and unimportant as it may seem I make sure I try to get a cappuccino most days as I love coffee, it makes me feel better, it’s not expensive and I can get one most places most days and it makes my day.  I also try to exercise at least twice a week as that really makes me feel better and I try to laugh every day even if I don’t feel like it as I really feel it’s an important antidote to depression.  There have been many studies to show that laughter boosts our mood and it doesn’t matter whether it’s forced laughter or real laughter it has the same effect.  I know things must seem black and probably impossible right now Martin.  Results seem a long way off but I do believe the sayings like ‘it’s always the darkest before the dawn’ and ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ have been in existence for ever for a reason and I hope you are a lot closer than you think to the result you want.  You never know there could be a letter on your doorstep when you get back with a big compensation cheque. There might not be but you never know!  That was another of my dad’s sayings that used to drive me mad when I was severely depressed.  ‘You never know what’s around the corner’.  He meant well obviously but I felt I did know what was round the corner - i.e. more of the same or worse.  It took a while before I realised that not all light at the end of the tunnel had to mean a train smash and I wish the same for you Martin.  Hang on in there and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Helen

Just found out partner of one of my wifes nieces died of heart attack was only 30 or so.  Things like this put other issues into perspective don’t they.

It does mate.  When I was stressed and depressed I used to get tingling in my arms and fingers and a banging heart and big red patches all over my body. It scared me to death.  I want to be here for my kids.  Sh*t happens and it happens a lot.  I am learning I can’t change that but I can change the way I let it affect me.  You take care mate.  Don’t let the sh*t grind you down.  It’s not worth it.  Hang on in there.  Will

Dear Martin, I am very sorry to hear about your wife’s niece’s husband.  That is indeed far too young to be taken and I know what you mean about putting things into perspective.  Are you back safe and sound from your holiday and do you feel any benefit from it?  Helen