I am new to this forum so please forgive me if I transgress the rules.

To begin at the beginning I am the product of a fairly dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic with a violent temper who beat my mother almost nightly. Fortunately they were divorced when my sister and I were very young. We were left with our grandparents who tried their best but by the time I was a teenager I fairly much did what I wanted.
School was a nightmare. I was bullied, being very small so I stopped trying to learn and concentrated on making people laugh. Of course I left with no qualifications and drifted from one dead end job to another. Finally I was taken on as an apprentice motor mechanic and it was then that my problems really started.
I had always lacked self-confidence but this was intensified by having to make diagnoses of the problems with peoples cars. I would be paralysed with indisision and terrified of making a mistake, with the consequence that I made many. Another factor was debilitating headaches which I put down at the time to breathing in exhaust fumes. In the end I was sacked and eventually got a job in a parts department.
Stress now ruled my life and I started drinking heavily. This took a toll on my health and I gained 3 stone in as many months. I had my first mental health crisis and walked away from the job. There followed 15 years of unemployment interspersed with pointless government training courses.
Finally someone mentioned that I may be suffering from depression and anxiety so I went to seek medical help. There followed 7 years of trying to find suitable treatment all to no avail. The worse part was when I entered a day hospital for twelve weeks intensive therapy. Everything was done in groups which I hated. I do not thrive in a group environment and just told them what they wanted to hear.
I did manage to get a job caring for adults with learning difficulties and for the first time in my life I thought I was happy.
In the end,however the black dog of depression caught up with me again and everything seemed pointless. I found myself resenting the people I looked after and had to take time off work. I never told my employers my problems so it was no surprise when they dispensed with my services. Fortunately I was able to claim incapacity benefit and that is where I am now.
I have the emotional depth of a slug and find it impossible to see my way out of this. I feel guilty for not caring about my family. They are just like a group of strangers to me. I am starting to get suicidal thoughts again. Please do not advise me to see my doctor. I have had all the talking therapies on offer locally. God bless you all and sorry to be a nuicance

Hello Athelstan,

welcome to the site.  There are no rules - apart from the obvious, no swearing, no abusing - that we try to observe in every day lives! (often with difficulty!) so please don’t apologise for transgressing any rules.  It’s lovely to hear from you and thank you for sharing with us. 

It is sad but true that we can’t choose our families isn’t it?  It’s also sad that your grandparents were denied their true role of grandparents of indulging you because you ended up living with them and they had to try their best to bring you up.

Children can be so cruel too but you have turned out to be an amazing, caring, strong individual which shows in your story and the choice of profession that you found yourself happiest in.  It would have been good if this time in your life could have coincided with some constructive talking therapy when you were feeling better about your life and yourself than you’ve ever been.

The fact that you’ve lived in this happier state once Athelstan, means that you can do it again.

You seem to know that you prefer 1 to 1 help over group therapy.  Does that include all group therapy or organised group therapy that you are sent along to by your GP?  The only reason I ask is that I am very much like you and prefer face to face 1 on 1 therapy but I chose to go along to some Depression Alliance and other locally run groups set up by sufferers themselves that I found very useful.  I chose when I went along and got the most out of them and more importantly what I wanted out of them.  There are lists of groups on the site under the I am Depressed banner in the left hand margin.

These might sound like obvious and trite suggestions but when I was ill my diet was terrible and I spent far to long under my duvet ruminating and felt no better for it.  I felt much better when I started eating healthily, getting out in the fresh air even if only for 10 minutes a day and doing ‘stuff!’  Different things work for different people.  I love watching things that make me laugh as I feel much better when I laugh.  Who doesn’t?  I love coffee so I used to take myself out for coffee and watch the world go by.  Maybe you like sitting on a bench in the park and watching the world go by; feeding the ducks; walking; reading.  Whatever you like, try to do more of it in your every day life.  It really does make a diffference.  If you don’t know what you like doing, use this time to find out.

I love your comparison of your emotional depth to that of a slug.  I can totally relate to that too.  Depression makes us very isolated and insular.  It’s hard to think about anything or anyone else.  Is there anyone in your life who makes you smile?  A nephew for instance or a sister.  I think of my nephew every day and usually some funny thing he’s said to me recently (like why I’m wearing pyjamas outside when I was wearing pink cord trousers) and it makes me smile and feel grateful.  Doctors have proven that if we feel grateful in our lives, we are happier and who doesn’t want to feel happier?

I do feel for you Athelstan.  I understand your self-medication with alcohol.  I did it with food.  It seems like a quick way up but it’s an even faster way down and then we feel dreadful with the results.  The weight gain made me feel even worse too when I didn’t think it was possible to feel worse.

One thing I do know is that things don’t stay the same.  You’ve had years of struggling Athelstan so the change has to be for the better which has got to be worth hanging around for.  You deserve that.  You’ve waited this long.  Just wait a bit longer.  It will change.

What about working at a community centre or as a carer for fewer people, even one on one to build a better relationship with the people if that what you prefer.  Think about what YOU would like Athelstan for a change and I’m sure you’ll start to feel a bit better. 

Best wishes, Helen

Hi Athelstan,
How are you feeling today? I am glad that you have found this forum. People here are very helpful.
Like you, I have been struggle with Depression for years. Recently, I had a relapse, and I feel very devasted for falling into the dark hole again after trying so hard for not getting depressed. I question myself why is this happening again? What did I do wrong this time? Yes, I had to deal with death,accident,illness,mistreatment at work this year, but why can’t I pull it through like everyone else does? Why can’t I keep a job like everyone else does? Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I have Depression?What am I going to do next? What did I do to deserve that? I left my job not long ago as I just couldn’t keep on doing it. I have been having bad thoughts as well, and I hate having them. I discovered this forum last year, so I keep on coming here to tell myself that I am not alone out here. If Helen, Chloe, Brencoot, Jamie, Paul could do it, maybe I have a chance too. Things got pretty bad last week, so I decided to seek some help. I don’t want my family to see me like this, and I want to be able to do something to help myself. I started seeing a psychologist last week, and she’s teaching me CBT to help me climbing out of this very dark hole. I am giving it a try. The progress is slow, but I am doing what I can at the moment.
I know how you feel and I really really understand how bad it can get, not knowing what to do in terms of life, work, directions etc… I agree with what Helen said, it will change. The change is on its way, Athelstan!
You are very important, so please look after yourself right now. Be kind to yourself, and you deserve to be well, Athelstan.
Hope you are feeling a little bit brighter today.We are here to listen, share and help one and another.

Hope

YOUR DAILY INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:

“In a time of economic turmoil when no one has money to lend for growth projects there is something far more important that is needed. Form groups of like-minded individuals who will lend you their belief in you and in your project. Loans of faith like this pay dividends that change the world forever.”

—Tony Bodoh

To Your Abundance .....

I have found being around kind caring people has been the greatest healing gifts I could receive ...good social interacting and social support have been my greatest healers   I hope you feel GOOD get out often daily and chat to people . I smile at people passing by and they smile back, when I walk the dog I say morning and people smile and say morning ...is it ok in your area to do that it would be odd in say London I guess . Hope we make you smile Chloe

Thank you everyone for your good wishes. I really appreciate your caring.
I have had a complete transformation since my post. I have an Amazon Kindle ebook reader and buy lots of self-help books. Most of them are inappropriate for me but I have just finished reading “The Power of your Subconscious”
I have begun a regime of spending an hour a day repeating positive affirmations to myself and, though it is early days yet, I feel better than I have for years. I can imagine life without my illness and I feel really optimistic about the future.
I believe the technique is a kind of cognitive behavioural therapy so most of you will be familiar with it.
Now if I could just find a book that told me how to bring a return of warm weather

Sounds excellent being a self help junkie I must check that one out Thanks for that Chloe

Hi Athelstan,

New member myself. Still battling against relapse and working out what is the best way. We are all looking for our own truths and answers i suppose and what works for one may not for another.
I’m not overly religious, but believe many answers can be found in all religions, a mind set i guess. Life tests us and we can be found wanting. My son has suffered the death of his mum and physical abuse from the maternal family. I’m doing my best to give him a happy childhood so he doesn’t grow up with all the hang-ups i fear he might.
Have had 2 major depressive episodes in my life, trying to avoid slipping into a third now. I endure it because i cherish the good memories and the hope i can have more one day.
We live in an amazing universe, i wish i could throw off the shackles and fly round it. Keep looking and holding onto what’s good. I wish you the very best.