This is just a quick summary. My mind won’t stretch to writing things properly. I’m 19. Have been feeling low for months - can’t be sure how long. I know I have notes from around May where I was trying to figure things out. Redundancy has got me this way - we knew it was coming nearly a year before, and things just messier, and more horrible (definately an understatement). The people at work split, into those that were going, and those that were staying. And this is in a leisure centre. Management, Duty Managers, Reception, Gym, Lifeguards. Thats the order. The Lifeguards are all similar ages to me 17- 21ish. Have worked there for 2 and a half years. At first, I absolutely hated it. But slowly, I got used to people, and new people came, some left, hours bumped up, it was always me that came in to cover. The soft one I suppose. Everybody thats involved in the pool was out. Lifeguards, two DM’s and Bar/Snack Bar.
However, of all the lifeguards I really worked with and became friends with, almost all have been taken on by the person that took over the pool. Sandra – she was our staff trainer. She has taken over the pool, and everybody thats a swim teacher as well has gone with her. Except the DM’s, myself, and another lifeguard.
Began self-harming at some point, cant remember when. I wanted to ask for help, but I hid how low I was feeling from people. Several times I remember saying in desperation to my parents ‘It is not normal to feel this low’, in hope that they would ‘cotton on’ to how I was feeling. I’ve been to see GP a few times. The first said they couldn’t be sure if it was depression and suggested St Johns Wort. My parents thought I was going to ask for a referral for my acne.
I knew all along that it was depression.
The self-harming changed. Before, I could scratch myself once, and that would be enough. Now it wasn’t enough. I’d still have that urge. Did it a couple of times where I just wanted to keep going and going. Told one person at work. Nobody else in the world knows (except a doctor and the Samaritans) . Havnt heard from that person since we were made redundant. Went to the doctors with an emergency appointment a few days before the redundancy date. A doctor I have never seen before, and I told them that I hadn’t had the courage to say before that I was self-harming. They talked to me about it a bit, and ‘you’re coming up to 20, what does it matter what your parents think’, wrote a prescription for Prozac, and sorted out a referral for counselling. Helpful. On the way out they said ‘Well done. For saying something’. I came home crying, and showed Mum prescription. She doesn’t think I need it. After talking to a couple of close workmates I decided not to take them. I never even handed the prescription in.
When the referral for counselling came through (delayed because of holidays) part of me didn’t want to go, and part of me desperately did. My parents think I’ve gone to the doctor and gone ‘my life is crap, sort it out for me’ which I sure as hell havnt!!
So, I havn’t done anything. I feel better than I did, before I was nipping into the loo at work crying (or feeling like I wanted too anyway), wanting to scream, practically suicidal. Now, I feel a lot brighter. Things arnt as bad. Slowly catching up with things I’ve neglected, sorting out a job/volunteer stuff. I havnt self-harmed since the bad one before I went with an emergency appointment, but I feel like I need to every single day. Nothing else relieves the tension/agitation. I have such knots in my body that sometimes it hurts to move lol. Things are settling down though. However, I recognise that there’s a difference between ‘settling down’ and ‘sorted’ and that is why I’m looking for help. I don’t know wether to persue the counselling, or just try and help myself and wait for things to clear up.

Hi Elril

I read your entry and felt truly touched by what you said.  I can understand your frustrations and I think the self harming is the frustration you feel because you cannot outwardly express yourself.  I understand the need to confide in your parents, thinking that they may understand and will help you to sort yourself out, like they have done in the past.  Because in the past, if you fell, your mum would stop the pain, she would nurse you back to health and you would feel secure again, and that love kept you going as a child.

Trouble is, you are no longer a child and even if your parents told you everything was going to be alright, would you actually believe them - I doubt it.  And what do they really know about self harming - dont know until you ask.

I think it is easy to think that parents can sort everything and sometimes they can, but sometimes they cant and that is where the frustration really lies - not knowing the difference.  But the truth is Elril you need help to feel more secure with yourself and although your parents will love you unconditionally, I believe you need to love yourself too for this process to work and I feel that maybe along the way, you have lost yourself - quite common I may add.

You are not alone, but there are plenty of people ready and prepared to help you.  Group therapy is good for someone your age, mixing with others who feel like you, where you can talk freely to understand why you feel like you do.  Your doctor can refer you.  You may not be depressed yet, as self harm doesnt necessarily mean that, but if you dont get help, you may end up there.  Self harming is dangerous and addictive and although there are definite reasons for doing it, this reasons need to be identified and dealt with.  Lack of confidence and low self esteem, having no control in your life are very real reasons for self harming and these can be changed significantly with the right help.

There may be a lot more reasons why you self harming, but I really do think you need counselling.  You can ask your parents to go with you if you need the support.  When you told them you feel low, do you really think they have any idea what you meant by that, because I am quite sure they didnt hear you say “I am so low, I cut myself to feel better”, because I am sure their reaction would have been different.  Although I am not sure how they would deal with this, unless they are too busy blaming themselves rather than helping you and you need some attention right now. 

Please promise me you will go to counselling, group therapy or to see someone.  You can and will turn these feelings around, but only you can take that first step, maybe on your own or with someone’s support, but you need to recognise this is something your parents can not just cover up by loving you, you need more than their love.

Love Greenlady

Thank you for taking the time to write such a reply. It is much appreciated. Really.

My parents do not know about my self-harming, and I have no intention of telling them. I have been referred for counselling by a local GP, but I’m reluctant to do it because I don’t want my parents to know. That, and I find it incredibly difficult to express how I feel. I thought perhaps online couselling? Have just contacted someone actually. Its certainly worth trying.

I do have depression. I have for months. The first doctor suggested St John’s Wort, which I took. Gradually, I needed to increase the amount to feel the same effect, and I became very aware of the fact I was taking three pills a day just to feel halfway decent. So I stopped taking them.  I told this to the second doctor when I went with emergency appointment.

I want to emphasise that I have lived with feeling low for so long that…. I suppose it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. You kinda get used to it. I have not self-harmed since I went to the doctor, but I do feel like I want to occasionally, even though I’m out of the situation that caused it in the first place. I’m not in the same place, surrounded by the samt stress and frustration and hoplessness as before. Things before were absolutely INTOLERABLE, and I don’t know how I kept going. I remember one occasion when I was covering a quiet Sunday afternoon shift. Only a few hours, nothing much happening. And I was so filled with this feeling low, and turmoil that as soon as I was on my own tidying up in the snack bar I was scratching my hand with a knife. Looking back, I should maybe have left work for the sake of my health. Although, I think that would have made me feel worse in some ways.

Since I left work though, things have settled down. I do have a job lined up at another place, but everything has been delayed by the holidays, and I got caught up with Occupational Health. I’m at home most of the time, slowly catching up with things I’ve neglected, and I recognise activities that make me feel low. I have to get up, plan my day, reward myself when I do something that needed doing. Avoid putting music on the rreflects the way yoiu feel, even though you think it would help. Plan things ahead to look forward to. Still got a way to go before I feel totally on top of things. A person should just be able to live and do whatever the hell pops into their head, rather than conciously vetting your activities and planning and thinking about how you feel.
However, I also recognise that I’m pushing things down rather than dealing with them, and iI know if I end up in a similar situation again, then things will begin right where they dropped off.

Okay, thats kind of aimless, but its helping me organise stuff in my head.

Best Wishes to you all.

Hi Elril

Makes quite painful reading - I also self harmed - the worst I did was a scalpel blade across the back of my hand and rubbing my knuckles along the face of brick walls till they poured with blood. Seems crazy looking back. My depression doesn’t do that know but it can be far more devastating - it can lay me clean out, which it did on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I simply couldn’t beat it. Thankfully we had family and friends round who were so supportive and made sure my kids had a great time.

I certainly can’t go back there - if I do I fear the worst - so let’s not even dwell on it.

I have had incredible support from the NHS - they caught me just in time and have helped me this far - you say you didn’t take your prescription. That’s either very brave or very risky but I guess you know your own mind. I am a staunch no medicine man but I’m glad I gave in this time. I have loads of pills but at least I do sleep now and when my body starts to shake I have something to support me.

For what it’s worth, in opinion stay with the counseling - and one doesn’t work for you try another one. They are trained, skilled, understanding and knowledgeable people = you have nothing to lose.

Stay strong -  Steve