Hello, I have just joined the site after reading and article in the Daily Mail (I think!). I have been on prozac for 4 years, and am now officially on 60mg a day. I started online counselling last year and, up until a few weeks ago, I thought it had made a big change in the way I see the world and in how I feel about being alive. But now that’s all gone - and the world looks as flat and black as ever. I don’t know what the ‘etiquette’ is on this forum insofar as talking about suicidal thoughts is concerned, but you probably know what I want to talk about just based on me asking that question! I have been taking extra prozac for a week or so, without my GP knowing, in the hope it will make me feel better and lift me out of this trough, but so far it isn’t doing anything. My ‘official’ diagnosis is dysthymia, which seems to be another way of saying I am a miserable git! That just makes it sounds trivial, but these thoughts are not trivial. I’m sorry for going on so much but I don’t know what else to do. I text the samaritans when I feel like this but I daren’t phone them, and anyway it is so hard to put into words how I am feeling. There are no tears, I manage to function in terms of work etc by finding all sorts of ‘shortcuts’ because my concentration is so bad. Right I am going to stop. Thanks for ‘listening’ if you got this far! Glynis.

Dear Glynis, you sound like an amazing person.  You talk about counselling online, have you asked for or thought about asking your doctor to refer you to someone to talk to?  Do you mind me asking if there is something specific that you know or could have triggered this relapse?  It can be very hard and often seems like one step forward and two steps back but often if you look back over a few months you can still see really how far you have come.
I feel for you Glynis.  There wasn’t a day went by in the depths of my depression that I didn’t think about killing myself or dying.  I just wanted the mental pain to end and couldn’t think of any other way for it to do so.  I did try to kill myself and ended up unconscious for 2 days and sectioned which I have to say was the worst experience of my life.  There were people in the hospital who had been in there since 1967 (that’s my birth date for goodness sake!).  They were so institutionalised.  It was very scary and I had threats from a particular person wanting to rape me.  I feel very lucky not to have succeeded now.  Many are not so lucky.  However bad it seems Glynis, this will pass.  Good and bad times pass so this will too.
Someone said this to me recently on a counselling course that had helped them and I’d like to share it with you if I may:
‘Even if you do nothing, you will move on as that is natural progress.  Your body will move on.  The body’s natural instinct is to survive.  It will pull you out of it.  Eventuallly your body will come out of it.’ 
People kept telling me that there was light at the end of the tunnel and I just didn’t believe them.
I often feel that if I’d spoken to someone who’d actually been through depression and come out of it, it would have helped my recovery but hearing it from my husband, friends, family and doctor who had never experienced depression meant nothing and when I was feeling anything more than total resignation and indifference it even used to annoy me.
Do the Samaritans respond to texts too?  We are all very different and respond differently to different treatments and therapies but if you feel that talking to someone would help you, please ask for it or call and speak to the Samaritans.  You deserve to be heard Glynis.  Try to treat yourself as you would your best friend and be kind to yourself.  Give yourself what you want, need and think will help you.
Do you have time for yourself?  I find that the little things can make a huge difference.  I make time for my cappuccino and muffin and to sit in the sun with my newspaper on a Sunday and spend time with my nephew who makes me laugh.  I found laughter to be very important in my recovery.  Even though it’s the last thing I felt like doing when I was very depressed it made me feel better for hours afterwards.  There are even laughter classes now and a yoga discipline dedicated to laughter.  It is proven that even forced laughter lifts mood.  I often put on a funny film or watch a comedian to make me feel better.
Do you know what makes you smile and happy?  If you don’t, try to think about what has made you happy in the past and what you have enjoyed doing.  If you do, please try to do more of it and particularly when you least feel like it i.e. when you’re feeling down. 
When you feel up to it and have time, please go back to the doctor and discuss how you are feeling.  He will be able to advise you regarding increasing your medication to help you. 
Thinking of you Glynis.  Do let us know how you are.  Best wishes, Helen

Morning Helen,

How are you my very good friend? I see some else has the same as me. I hope Glynis gets better soon.

Church seems to be lifting me up. I have applied for some jobs.

Have a brilliant day

Paul

Hello Paul, you are a very special person Paul.  Not only are you fighting this thing, you are always there to help and comfort others.  I often feel you do that more than you do for yourself.  A bit like Chloe and many others, if you gave to yourself what you give to others you’d be fine.  I do believe that we can give more to others if we do give to ourselves and that helps to make sure that I look after myself too.  I used to neglect myself and forget to or feel guilty about looking after myself but now I realise that others suffer when I’m not well and not just me. 
I am glad that Church is helping you and I think that your singing starts again on Saturday too doesn’t it which will be good and I bet you’re looking forward to that.  I’m ok thanks Paul.  I don’t deny that I have tough times too but I make sure that I take my omegas very day; Filisa when I need it; eat well, which you seem to try to do, and exercise and make sure I laugh every day (often at myself!) and feel grateful for the people, including yourself, that I have in my life. Thinking of you as always Paul.  Helen

Dear Glynis, do you mind me asking which online counselling you were using and how you found it?  We have a link to The Mood Gym counselling online and I have heard of another which I am looking into for the site called, Star Recovery Plan.  I hope you’re feeling ok today Glynis.  Don’t forget we’re always here.  Helen

All friends work together on this site to help each other.

I will always help people when I can.

Singing starts on Tues, which I am really looking forward to. Church on Sunday for a good sing. Just listening to jesus culture. your love never fails.

Hows things going for you my friend

Paul

Hello Helen

Thank you for replying to my post and for your support. I am new to the site and I am finding the information helpful already. I need to read your reply more carefully later today as there is a lot in it!

The online counselling was through ‘Counselling and Training Centre’ (CTC). This is their site:
http://www.straightfwd.co.uk/
They do face to face counselling as usual, but also do online counselling using windows live messenger. I have found it really helpful and have been having sessions since last July. If you would like any more information then is there an email address I can contact you at? I looked all over for counselling, and have had counselling in the past, but this has probably been the most helpful in my experience. If you go to the ‘support’ page of their site, you will see two quotes from clients - the second quote is from me, based on my experience of them.

Thank you again
Glynis

Dear Glynis, thank you so much for that information and your lovely comments about the site.  I will indeed look at the site and the support page and give them a call.  I hope you are feeling ok today.  Take care.  Best wishes, Helen

Hello Helen

I have had time to think about what you said in your reply, and the first thing is that I looked at laughter classes and I have signed up for a workshop near where I live! The workshop is called ‘laughter medicine’ and it sounds good. My challenge now is to get there! I have a tendency to sign up for things that sound enjoyable and that I want to do, but then talk myself out of them with all sorts of negative self-talk so that by the time the things comes around I don’t go - and then of course I beat myself up about not going! I know its a pattern I have but I haven’t managed to ‘crack’ it yet. Fingers crossed for this time!

What you said about ‘good times and bad times will pass’ really struck me. It’s strange how I/we notice the changes from bad to good very clearly, but rarely notice when it changes from bad to good! I do feel better today, but could never have seen this bit of light a couple of days ago. My head keeps going ‘down’ into negative thinking and blackness, but at least, for now at least, I can catch it and drag it back!

I have been to my doctor about getting help, but to be honest I feel like they have done all they can. That is not me being negative, just that I have the medication, I don’t want CBT and in a way I have learned what I need to do when the blackness hits - but just don’t have the strength to do it when the time comes. I will keep going though, because I always do!

Yes, the samaritans do have a text facility. They gave me the number once when I was emailing them, and it is a lot better than the email service because the responses are almost immediate. The number is 07725909090.

Thank you again
Glynis

Wow Glynis, that’s amazing.  The fact that you’ve made the effort to book it is great.  I know what you mean about following through.  I did that a lot.  Here’s hoping you feel like going when the time arrives.  Thank you so much for that text number.  I had no idea they offered support via email or text.  You learn something new every day!  I’ve learned a lot from you.  Thank you very much.  I hope that you have a lovely weekend Glynis.  Best wishes, Helen