Hello everyone,

I’ve never actually done something like this before… so please bear me with me.

I am 23 years old and since the age of 14, I have struggled every day with depression. But now the depression is worse than ever, I have never felt this low before. It terrifies me. Last week I had my first suicidal thought. It was only for a split second- but in that instance I thought about throwing myself infront of a car that was coming towards me. Obviously, my better angels told me otherwise- but the idea that I thought this scares me to death.

There is so much in life I should be happy and thankful for- I am getting married next year, my job is sort-of-well-paid and I have a roof over my head. But I am not. I have irrational thoughts that I don’t want to be with my fiancee (which I know deep down I do as he has quickly become my “rock (if you’ll pardon the cliche) and that I love him very much). I used to love my job- but having come back off a week’s holiday two weeks ago- the sight of the call-centre sends me into a depressive spiral. And now I’ve realised my fellow housemates are ripping me and my fiancee off with the rent.

I don’t know where I can turn to anymore.

Hello Michael,

Welcome to the site. I’m so pleased you’ve found us.

From your post it sounds like your going through a lot at the moment and are having some especially negative thoughts. All of us on this site have had thoughts of this nature and so we do understand the sort of things you are going through and feeling.

Everyone on here knows everyone else is a friend. I myself have found my friends on here to a great comfort when I’m feeling down and an informed source of advice and information when I need a helping hand. Helen and her team of experts are amazing and very willing to help too.

I don’t know if you’ve been to your GP yet, but if you have’nt may I suggest that you do so as soon as you can! He or she may be able to perscribe some medication to help you or if you’re already on anti-depressants they may increase the doseage of whatever medication you are already on. Also your GP may be able to refer you to some counselling sessions so you can talk to someone who can help you work through your feelings and clarify things for you?

Counselling can take a while to start on the NHS so you could also contact yout local branch of MIND or the Depression Alliance, they both have branches throughout the country and are easy to find on the internet,  who might be able to offer other sources of help.

There are also a number of books recommended on this site under the Further Reading link:
/index.php/S=f45d198ffb11c888062264dd65a5842495c1fc25/depressed/category/further_reading/

I am finding the “Feeling Good” book quite helpful and although I haven’t read it there is one called “Mind over Mood” which some of the reviewers on Amazon seem to rate highly. These books are CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) based and describe a number of exercises you can do to change overly negative thoughts into more realistic ones.

If you need to talk to someone straight away, please call the Samaritans or try some of the other numbers on the following list who might be able to help:

SupportLine Telephone Helpline: 020 8554 9004 (Helpline), email info@supportline.org.uk - Confidential emotional support to Children Young People and Adults. Also keeps details of agencies, support groups and counsellors throughout UK.

Association for Post Natal Illness: 020 7386 0868, www.apni.org - To advise and support women suffering from post natal illness. Running a network of volunteers to support sufferers throughout the UK.

Aware Defeat Depression: 08451 202961, email help@aware-ni.org - Support, information or a listening ear for all those affected by depressive illnesses.

Breathing Space: 0800 83 85 87 (Area served SCOTLAND), www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk - Helpline for young men 12-40 years who are experiencing difficulties and unhappiness in their lives and for their friends and family.

CALL Community Advice and Listening Line (Wales): 0800 132737, www.callhelpline.org.uk - Mental health helpline for Wales providing confidential listening support service.

Childline: 0800 1111, www.childline.org.uk.

Crossline Central: 0845 658 0045 (Area served SCOTLAND) - Christian based helpline and counselling service for the general public and people in crisis.

DABS Mail-Order Book Catalogue: 01709 860023 - Wide range of books including those on depression, self esteem assertiveness, self harm, child abuse.

Depression Alliance: 0845 123 2320, email information@depressionalliance.org, www.depressionalliance.org - Confidential listening and support service. Also offer a range of information on depression and treatment options. National network of self help groups for people experiencing depression. National pen friend scheme offering support and fellowship to people with depression and their carers. Quarterly newsletter, booklets and leaflets on depression.

Depression Alliance Scotland: 0845 123 2320 (Area served SCOTLAND), email info@dascot.org, www.dascot.org - Telephone information and other support for people affected by depression. Information about symptoms and treatment, listening support and signposting to other agencies.

Fellowship of Depressives Anonymous (FDA): PO Box FDA, Self Help Nottingham, Ormiston House, 32-36 Pelham Street, Nottingham NG1 2EG UK, email fdainfo@hotmail.com - Wide self help organisation made up of individual members and groups which meet locally on a regular basis for mutual support. £10 yearly membership (reductions for those who cannot afford that amount).

Get Connected: 0808 808 4994, email help@getconnected.org.uk, www.getconnected.org.uk - Free telephone and email helpline finding young people the best help whatever the problem. Can connect a child or young person to any UK helpline where appropriate.

Hope in Crisis Telephone Line: 028 9446 9990 (Area served NORTHERN IRELAND) - Christian based organisation offering listening support and ministry for anyone in crisis.

Manic Depression Fellowship: 0845 634 0540, email mdf@mdf.org.uk, www.mdf.org.uk - Advice and information for people with manic depression and their families, carers and mental health professionals. Supply a range of information leaflets, books and tapes. Network of self help groups for people with manic depression, relatives and friends. Self management training programme.

Please remember you don’t have to go through this on your own. We all try and help in whatever way we can.

Karma

Michael1701

Hi welcome to the forum. I am going straight for my bible, I have send a prayer for you.

michael you must never feel alone in this struggle against illness. I can tell you, look at the future , look up and smile.  Pls never do what I did. We are all Friends on this forum.

Take care Paul

Hello again,

Today has been a little better. I’ve spoken with my line manager at work and a lovely lady in the HR department and have been totally honest with them. My manager told me I was a valued member of staff and I am really good at my job- just hearing that was a great weight off my shoulders and we are going to look into a slight reduction of my hours as I thinking working 40 hours a week may be a contributing factor.

Karma, I’m waiting on a referral to somewhere called the Harplands- which is a mental health outpatient centre (i think) and I’ve spoken to my GP, who point blank refused to put me anti-depressants until we know what I am suffering from. I was going to put ‘what is wrong with me’ but I’m trying to be positive today. I’m going for a 2 hour driving assesment with my new driving instructor (my previous two instructors made me feel even worse) and I’m feeling hopeful (still terrified of crashing lol).

I finished a series of counselling sessions with MIND back in Feburary and I will admit they helped me- so this new series of terrible lows is a mystery. In many ways, I dont want to go back to MIND as it feels like I’ve failed and let them down- so my fiancee (who is absolutely wonderful to me through this- despite having issues of his own) is putting in contact with a group called CHANGES here in Stoke who he worked with a while back.

Like I said today has been okay, not too bad and certainly better than last night. Thanks for the support as well- means an awful lot

Mikey xx

Hi Mikey,

I’m pleased to hear that you’ve got away forward with getting help with how you’re feeling.

Their are many sites on the internet where you can do an online test for depression etc - their is even one on this site. I’m not suggesting for a second that they are a substitute for your GP, but they might give you a better idea if you are depressed or not.

There are several tests on the following link for various “mental health” problems, you might want to try taking a few of them and discussing the results with your GP?

http://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/

I’m glad your feeling better today and your HR deparment is willing to help.

Karma

hi Mikey,
glad today was better for you….I work in a stressful job altho just part-time it can be really tough at times. I had a complete wobble at work one shift and told my manager-it was really hard as i am vey bad at asking for help and ltes face it, its hard admitting depression as people look at you funny !!! Maybe thats just me !!!  you have made a start and reducing your hours is prob a good idea for now. Karmas advice was very good and worth following (such wise words as usual Karma !)

you should find plenty people here who will support you
good luck,
Kate

Hello Katy,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I really appreciate them.

I know what you mean about being reluctant to tell people you’re depressed. However, when I did tell a few people I was amazed at how many of them had also suffered at some point or knew someone who had.

I’ve been reading some statistics and apparently two out of three people will be mildy depressed at some point in their lives and, in between 20% to 25% this will be severe enough for them to seek treatment. Many more would benefit from treatment but don’t seek any because of the stigma.

I really, really dislike the phrase “Mental Illness” being used in relation to depression. It is a PHYSICAL ILLNESS which is why anti-depressant drugs work, if it was purely a mental illness - all in the mind - they wouldn’t.

I know I have posted this before, but I make no apology for posting it again. It is from chapter 1 of “Depressive Illness - The Curse of the Strong” by Dr. Tim Cantopher (a fellow of the Royal College of Psychiatrists).

“... depressive illness ... nearly always happens to one type of person. So much so, in fact, that it allows me my little party piece in interviews with patients, which is to tell them about their personality before they tell me ... S/he will have the following personality characteristics:

- (moral) strength
- reliability
- diligence
- strong conscience
- strong sense of responsibility
- a tendency to focus on the needs of others before one’s own
- sensitivity
- vulnerable to criticism
- self-esteem dependent on the evaluation of others

... give a set of stresses to someone who is weak, cynical or lazy and s/he will quickly give up, so s/he will never get stressed enough to become ill. A strong person, on the other hand, will react to these pressures by trying to overcome them ... So s/he keeps going, on and on and on, until suddenly: BANG! The fuse blows.

… you are wrong in thinking you are weak and that you should be ashamed to have contracted this illness. You have got it because you are too strong. You are in good company. This is the affliction of the good and the great. These are a handful of those who have suffered from it:

- Oliver Cromwell
- Abraham Lincoln
- Isaac Newton
- Edgar Allen Poe
- Ludwig van Beethoven
- Vincent Van Gogh
- Winston Churchill
- Evelyn Waugh
- Ernest Hemingway
- Tony Hancock”

 
If someone really looks at you oddly if they find out your depressed (I think you’ll find its far fewer people than you imagine) it might be worth listing some of these people. You could also add Rowan Atkinson to that list and also Stephen Fry and Catherine Zeta Jones (strictly speaking the last two are bi-polar, but anyone ignorant enough to look down on you for having a PHYSICAL ILLNESS is probaly too stupid to know the difference anyway)

Have a good day,

Karma

I’m very sorry everyone,

I’ve read my last post again. I really shouldn’t have used the word “stupid” in the last line.

Unfortunately my frustration with the stigma attached to this horrible illness slipped through there.

I didn’t fully understand what is what like before I became ill, so why should anyone else who hasn’t had it or known someone they care about who has.

On reflection “inexperienced with this illness” or “uneducated about this illness”  would have been better ways of putting it.

We will get nowhere in getting a better understanding from people fortunate enough not to have suffered if we antagonise them by calling them “stupid”.

Please accept my apologies - I hope you don’t think I’ve let the side down too much.

Karma

hey Karma, how are u today ?
Actually you brought a smile to my face this am .... first of all the characteristics of someone prone to this damn illness-SPOT ON my friend. Am guessing you are able to identify here too.  But i did have to giggle when u came back to apologise for using the word “stupid” -nope actually I agree with that and do you know what you are being too too nice about it all . You can say that word if you like,its prob. closer to how you feel !!! Don’t beat yourself up about it.
Have a good day-hope the sun is shining where u are

Karma,

I don’t think you need to say sorry my friend, we all understand because of our illness.

Just listening to classic True what a song. Karma come on my friend, you have done nothing wrong.

Paul

Absolutely Paul,couldnt agree more !!!
Kate

Kate,

Is the sun shining in Scotland. How are you feeling today? Have you go thoes paint brushes out?

Paul

Dear Paul and Kate,

Thank you for being so understanding.

Its a lovely day here today - the sun is shining and there are a number of big fluffy (cumulus) clouds difting serenely past. It always amazes me that they manage to stay up in the sky when each one is roughly the same weight as an elephant!

I think I’ll find a shady spot in the garden and read a book for a bit while listening to the birds sing.

Dear Karma,

It’s always a sight just how do they stay up in the sky? I am sat eating red grapes yum yum.

The birds singing in the trees la la la

bless summer is a comin in sing cuckoo

ha you and your singing Paul !!!!

Are you there Katybear?

I bet you are worn out after all that ironing.  I am just listening to a bit of music. I get so tired in the afternoon, I feel better for a sleep.  Perhaps I should go live in Spain, afternoon rest would suit me lol.

How are the cards coming on?

Paul