Hi, I’m a sixteen year old girl and without being too cheesy or pathetic would like to find out if there’s something wrong with me. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or seem like I’m whinging. I’ve tried to talk to my family but I don’t know what to say. They would think I was being soft and tell me to stop being selfish as there are people with real problems.

I’ll make a list of how I’ve been feeling and maybe you could tell me if it’s normal and will pass or if I should do something about it. I don’t even know what I could do.

I’ve always been shy and had low self esteem but recently it’s got worse. I obsess over the way I look. I used to hate the shape of my nose so I bent and manipulated it because for some reason I thought it would look better - so now my nose looks wrecked. I try to bend it back now and it’s become sort of a nervous habit. I do it more in times of stress (stupid I know). I regret starting the habit really badly but can’t stop carrying on doing it.

I also scratch my skin incessantly, especially when I’m anxious which seems to be often.

I feel very guilty and regret things I used to do and when I remember them I have to hit my head like some kind of maniac.

Whenever I see a picture of myself in the house I look disgusting and feel really sad and angry and try to turn it around or hide it.

My younger sister is very beautiful and everyone says it, I wish I didn’t but I feel very jealous towards her. I always think she will have better life than me. She’s everything I wish I was and I feel guilty when I think about how strong she is and how she is supposed to be looking up to me when I’m not what a big sister should be. I’m supposed to look after her but just can’t.

I feel like I know what I should be doing but I can’t motivate me body to get up because I think even if I work hard I’m still going to feel like this.

When I walk in the streets I look at everyone’s faces to see if they’re looking at me for some reason. 

It sometimes feels nice banging my head against things or punching my forehead.

I have recently started drinking but only by myself. It sounds cliché but sometimes it numbs it. Other times though it just makes me obsess more.

I constantly obsess over beautiful people

I try to avoid seeing people. Even people I like.

I can’t sleep. I can stay awake for days.

I worry that I’ll never be good enough and the great things I’d love to do (go to concerts, fly planes, go to other countries compete in sports) would feel so much better to other people and even when I’m having fun, in the back of my head I always remember that I’m me and that makes me feel bad. It seems like if I am happy it’s always to the extreme e.g hysterically laughing or dancing
I’m very competitive and when something is difficult I get very upset. I’ve just finished exams and know I could have done so much better but just didn’t but the work in. I can never focus at school. But that’s all normal teenage stuff.
Try to make people think I’m resilient but insults really get to me and I worry constantly. I feel like my friends don’t even know me and I would never consider talking to them about it because who wants a selfish, self obsessed, miserable friend?
Hate it when other people obsess over celebrities and their looks because but I do it too. I know there are other people in the world that work so hard and have such rubbish lives and I live in a rich country with a nice family and nothing significantly bad has happened so I shouldn’t feel like I’m being dragged down all the time.
I always worry that I’m going to be stupid ugly and useless for my whole life and no one will want to be around me. I wish I was tougher and could think about other things and just get on with things but I can’t switch to being like that. 
(I bet you’re thinking “how pathetic” and I realise how ridiculous it sound but I need to say it all.)

Feel like crying almost every day and if my mum talks to me I know I’m being blunt and rude in my answers but I really can’t be bothered talking about normal things with her because I’d have to pretend to be happy and interested. I don’t want her to think I’m your average uninterested teenager because I’m not. Whenever she talks to me I feel like crying. 
I have strange thing I do most days, it’s like a fantasy world (sounds stupid I know) mostly I do it when I’m in lessons or before I go to sleep. I think about fantastic things I could do. In them I’m getting a brilliant job, I’m beautiful, I don’t even care about how I look, I’m interesting and have a real purpose e.g. I’m fighting for something. But the exciting things I really have the chance to do (like go on a French exchange my mum has sorted for me) I really don’t want to go to in case I make a fool of myself.
I realise I waste so much time but I can’t stop it and It’s been getting worse.
I’m always looking for another job and try to make as much money as possible in order to buy things that will make me feel better.
Lots of people think I’m just shy but sometimes I get so angry with people sometimes I just want to smash their heads in. I’ve got loads to say.
My posture makes me look like a neurotic, I cover my nose (because it’s ugly) and most of my face with my hands and it makes me feel so much more comfortable. This is something I’ve done since a young age. 
I’m sixteen and feel like I’m wasting my life thinking about myself but can’t stop feeling like this. 
I feel so pathetic with everything I’ve said and sorry for the ramble but I never tell anyone these things and needed to say everything.
Can anyone else relate to anything I’ve just said?

Hi there,

I first want to say welcome to this site and I hope you find it helpful - I certainly have.
You ask “should I talk to someone” and “is it normal” - we can’t diagnose a problem here but it definitely sounds to me like what you are going through is having a really negative impact on your life, and therefore it isn’t normal… which means that you need to be asking for help and yes definitely talking to someone. In my experience CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) could help, because it looks at what you are thinking (e.g. I’m not pretty enough), how this makes you feel (e.g. angry), and what it makes you do (e.g. scratch yourself). I think there are now online self-help programmes which might suit you. Anyway, you gotta talk to your GP. You can go alone at 16. And if the GP doesn’t help, make an appointment to see a different one. They might not be sure where to refer you to at 16 - you might have to go to child services for a while then transfer over to adult services. If you’re based in Leeds, there is a specialist NHS trust for adults with mental health problems called Leeds Partnership NHS Trust - maybe look them up.

Anyway, not sure if any of that ramble is helpful or not…
Take care, good luck and keep us updated.

Gemma

Dear LeedsUtd,

Welcome to the site - I’m gald you found us. Everyone on here is, or has been, depressed so we understand a little of what your going through. We are all friends and help each other as we can. Try not to be too hard on your family, they are trying to help but unfortunately unless they have been Depressed or had some kind of Anxiety disorder they simply don’t understand.

Please remember, I am not a Dr. and have never had any medical training. However, there are experts who can e-mail on this site.

I have found a couple of online Depression tests that you might want to try and take:

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/goldberg.php

and this one is specifically for teenagers.

http://www.real-depression-help.com/depression-test-for-children.html

On this next site there are a whole range of psycological tests:

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/

It might be useful for you to take some of the above tests (along with the depression tests it might be useful for you to take the anxiety and OCD tests too) and discuss the results with your GP?

For a quick and easy read on Depression, the Introduction and Chapter 1 of: “Depressive Illness - The curse of the strong” gives a good account of what it is like to be depressed and the type of person who is likely to suffer. If you can order it from you local library it might help your family understand a bit better if you are depressed.

I have also heard that 25% of women suffer from depression at some point, so it is even more frequent than being left handed. So if you are depressed, you can hardly be described as unusual.

Did you know what: Stephen Fry, Catherine Zeta Jones, Spike Milligan, Rowan Atkinson, Ruby Wax, Winston Churchill, Isac Newton, Oliver Cromwell, Abraham Lincoln, Ernest Hemingway, Tony Hancock, Vincent Van Gogh, and Ludwig van Beethoven all have in common?

Yep, you guessed it - they all suffer or suffered from depression.

I hope you’re feeling better soon.

Karma

Hello to you Leeds United.  I can relate to everything you’ve said and you are not wasting anyone’s time.  Thank you for joining and sharing with us.  You’re not whinging at all.  In fact you’ve written everything so factually and logically and it’s far from whinging.
I hated my nose as a child too.  I was shy.  I used to hit myself when I thought I was underachieving or felt that I did something wrong at work.  You notice I said when I thought I was underachieving or I thought I had done something wrong.  No one else ever seemed to think so.  At least they never said.  I took it upon myself to punish myself!
Is your itching because you are itching (ie ezcema) or nervous?  The reason I ask is because I get ezcema when I’m stressed or down.
You say that your sister in beautiful.  Who’s eyes is she beautiful in?  It sounds like you think she’s beautiful.  She probably thinks you are too. 
I often wonder what beautiful really is?  We are faced with ‘beautiful’ people in the press every day.  Let’s not forget that these people often have a hairdresser, makeup artist, nutritionist and personal trainer to hand every day.  If they didn’t, I don’t think they’d look quite so ‘beautiful’!
And many of them aren’t happy.  Imagine not knowing if someone likes or loves you for you and instead fearing that they only like you because of who or what you are.  That breeds low self esteem.  That’s why a lot of famous people are so unhappy.
They shop and shop and shop and they are still not happy.  My shopping addiction was worse when I was very depressed.  The more serious my shopping compulsion, the more unhappy I usually was.  So my husband knew when I was REALLY bad.  I was trying to fill a void in my life as I didn’t feel enough.  Now that I do feel enough I am no longer a compulsive shopper.  Don’t get me wrong I still like shopping.  I don’t know many women who don’t but it’s what my friends now call ‘normal!’
Marisa Peer tells us to tell ourselves that we are enough and to try standing in front of the mirror and saying ‘I am enough’ every day.  If I’m feeling down I write down 3 things that I am grateful for and that make me smile and stick them on my bathroom mirror so that I read them every morning.  It makes me feel better right away and starts my day much better than if I just dragged myself into the bathroom to get ready for work.
You have great dreams and aspirations from what you say here.  It’s great to have dreams and goals.  It’s also great though to have goals along the way to the larger goal/dream so that you don’t feel it’s so far away and unachievable and to reward yourself along the way to that bigger dream.  We all thrive on achieving and praise.  Make sure there’s scope for that along the way so we don’t get despondent along the way and give up.  My father always says that the journey to the goal is as important as the goal.  I now know what he means.
You worry about your friends thinking you’re miserable and selfish if you talk to them about how you feel.  I find that people who worry about being bad/miserable/selfish etc are usually quite the opposite.
I lived and worked in New York.  In the US people say that if you can dream something you can do it.  I love their mentality.  We tend to be more reserved than that but I think we are changing.  So there you go!
So, far from being pathetic, you’re very aware of how you’re feeling which is great and I feel sure this will help you to feel better with some help. 
It’s not good that you stop yourself from seeing people you like.
Please do think about going to your doctor and ask for some counselling.  You are so good as expressing yourself and it would be good to find a good therapist who can help you sort out the issues that are worrying you so that you can get on and enjoy life, your friends and your dreams. 
Take care you and do let us know how you’re getting on if and when you want to.
Sorry for such a long message!  Thinking of you.  Best wishes, Helen

thank you so much all three of you for taking the time to help me i’m so glad i found this website. not sure how to work this website so i’ll message you individually.
I just can’t believe the respone:)
p.s i applied to a triathlon team today i think it’ll help
it’s so nice to know you’ve all thought the same as me and you all seem so strong and just fantastic enough to write a whole paragraph to help someone you’ve never met it’s brilliant and i wanna say thanks so much xx

Dear LeedsUnited, it’s my complete pleasure.  Thank you for acknowledging.  Thank you too for my PM.  There’s really no need as I read all the posts and people get a heads up in their mailbox when they get a post reply on the forum but it was lovely all the same.  Triathlon indeed!  Wow, you’re a better woman than I!  You take care LeedsUnited.  We are always here.  Hope you’re having a good weekend.
Best wishes, Helen

can anyone remember going to the gp’s for the first time? how did it go?
i’m going on tuesday x
sorry for all the questions haha

Dear LeedsUnited,
Based on my first visit to my GP, I think that I would have found it useful to go along with a list of questions and points that I wanted to bring up.  I find that It’s easy to leave an appointment frustrated at not bringing up all the issues that were concerning me.  Can I ask if you are you going along alone or with a friend or a family member?  If you’re going on your own, you’re not really on your own if you think of us all on here being right behind you.  Thinking of you LeedsUnited.  Helen

Dear LeedsUtd,

I really hope everything goes well with your GP tomorrow.

Remember, depression is one of the most common conditions that GPs see. There is absolutely no reason to feel nervous about telling him or her what you are feeling.

Best of Luck,

Karma

i’m going by myself but you’ll all be there in spirit haha i’ll tell you all how it goes. I’ve written a list too.
thanks guys

Hi LeedsUnited, hoping it went well with your GP and you came away with some positive feedback and support.  We are here if you need us or want to tell us how it went.  Helen

Hi LeedsUtd,

Just to let you know I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you got on today. I hope everything went well.

Karma

Hey, how did it go? Hope you’re ok

hi guys sorry it’s been a long time but i didn’t go to my first appointment. i had my other one this morning. i was on the verge of tears which annoyed me because i couldn’t say what i wanted to say but i wrote it all down. she said she thinks i’m “a bit depressed” haha but she doesn’t want to put me on drugs as i thought. she gave me the number of a sort of drop in centre in my city where you just turn up and can talk 1:1 with someone.

Dear Leeds United, hope you’re ok.  Well done for making that appointment.  Can I ask how do you feel about the outcome?  Do you feel that you will drop in to talk to someone?  Thinking of you, Helen

Hi,
I was also just wondering if you think you’ll go? I know it’ll take alot of guts but I think it’s worth a try! Could be the start of something good…
Gemma