everything is ‘wrong’. hard to explain, but wherever I ‘look’ in my life, whatever I do - all feels flat and empty. finished counselling and can only have more if I pay, which is not an option. can’t really talk to my husband because he worries and things get more complicated. been looking at euthanasia/suicide sites, looking for someone to help me finish this. not even sure why i am writing this, except it is the only place to write it. too much to write. not enough words to express it. now i’m talking rubbish.

Hey Glynis
I’m sure everyone here would agree that it’s better that you’re on this website writing about how you’re feeling, whether it makes sense or not, rather than looking at such negative things on the internet. So keep on rambling!!
Just try to keep yourself safe for tonight, wrap yourself up in a blanket and put a film on or something, even if you don’t watch it then it’ll be a good distraction. And make a call to the Samaritans if you need to have a conversation with someone.
Sending you lots of positive wishes
Gemma x

Thank you for your reply Gemma. It’s my own fault really, I should be happy with my life. But it just feels too complicated. It might not look that way to others but it feels it to me. I want to simplify my life, but everything I think of to make it simpler involves money we don’t have. We SHOULD have enough money, but we both ‘self-medicate’ by spending (neither of us drinks or smokes) and that means there’s not enough left to do the things needed to simplify. My husband has different priorities, and very different and more complex mental health issues, so it’s hard to change the way we do things. I know this probably sounds weak and like a load of excuses but, as his carer, I have to take notice of the effect of things I do have on him. I can’t just say ‘tough, this is how it’s going to be’.

Sorry, there’s no point in saying any more. I know I sound like a weak, ungrateful person who needs to sort themselves out ...

Dear Glynis, what a horrible place you’re in Glynis.  It might not help you to hear this and don’t feel obliged to read it but I felt very much like you and I spent to fill a void in my life and to make myself feel enough.  I researched the euthanasia clinics in Switzerland as I just didn’t want to be here any more.  I didn’t think how anyone would be without me apart from better off.
You say everything you do affects your husband.  What would that do to him?
Who knows it might be worse ‘up there’ than down here?  Sorry to sound blunt but also I’ve met some people who didn’t succeed and they have even less quality of life now than they had before and they have to be cared for. 
I read Marisa Peer’s book ‘Ultimate Confidence’ that has a hynosis CD at the back.  It helped me feel enough so that I didn’t feel the need to spend.  I’m sure you can get it from the library too but it’s available in all bookshops and online at Amazon etc.  For me it was a few pounds well spent.
Do you think that if your circumstances were to change you would be happier Glynis?  My breakdown and depression was for a reason but by the time I sought help for it the chemcal imbalance had already become permanent and it took a long time to get that right.  I know we can’t always change our lives but we can make changes.  Often everything feels like so much effort too.  They do say ‘enough pain changes’.  I’m not so sure that’s always the case but it is often the only thing that can make us make changes.  I do hope today is a better day Glynis.  Thinking of you. Helen

wrap yourself up in a blanket and put a film on or something, even if you don’t watch it then it’ll be a good distraction. And make a call to the Samaritans if you need to have a conversation with someone.

roofers