Hi everyone,

I’ve not been to the site for a while as I’d been feeling quite good but I’ve been going through a dark period for 2 or 3 weeks and things have turned for the worse.
I’ve had two or three periods of absence from work over the last 2 years, not long, but enough for me to worry about losing my job.
I’ve just had a week off to calm down and get a bit of a grip of myself and it’s been tough. I’m going back this week and I’m worried about it. I’ve never discussed my problems with my boss or anyone I work with. I work with two quite scary people which doesn’t help either.
I keep telling myself that my thoughts are irrational but I’m still a bit scared . I feel that I should talk to my boss about it but don’t feel confident in doing that.
This is becoming a vicious circle of doubt and lack of confidence in myself which is becoming difficult to handle, all I feel is this fug in my head that won’t allow me to think straight.
I’m really dreading walking into work because I know already what the reaction is going to be fron the people I work with, it won’t be pleasant.

Dear Killick, I do hope that the whole day hasn’t been a worry for you ahead of tomorrow.  My father always says that the outcome of anything is never as bad as you expect but never as good as it could be.  It’s always somewhere in the middle.  You’ve probably been visualising some pretty unpleasant outcomes given the words of your post.  My dad is never wrong so I’m sure it won’t be that bad!  I’ll be sending you lots of postive thoughts tomorrow so try to think of that as you walk through the door tomorrow.  I’m sure the other people on the site will be sending you positive thoughts and vibes too so you’ll be oozing them as you enter work tomorrow.  Walk into work empowered and protected by them.
 
You mention that you’ve been to the doctor as s/he has given you sick notes.  Has your doctor suggested talking to someone or any counselling?  Do you feel it would help someone to talk about how you are feeling?  You also say that you’ve been feeling this way for a couple of years.  Do you know what may have triggered it?  You do sound quite hard on yourself Killick.  The fact that you say that you are taking time off to ‘get a grip’ and ‘calm yourself down’ suggests that you are quite tough on yourself.  What about being kind to yourself and taking time off to find out why you are feeling this way and getting yourself some help to feel better? 
I liken seeking help for depression to seeking help for any other problem.  I wouldn’t dream of doing my own plumbing because I’m not a plumber (and because I’d make a complete hash of it!), I’d go to a plumber who is an expert in that field.  Similarlly I’d have no qualms about going to an accountant to do my accounts (other than the expense!) so why should anyone feel awkward about getting help when they feel depressed.  We’re not doctors and haven’t spent years studying the mind and body.  I believe in going to see someone who has the expertise and can help.  If you’re worried about the blot on your CV or work record, you can see a psychologist without going to your GP. You can find them through the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), www.psychotherapy.co.uk, and the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP), www.bacp.co.uk,  who have directories of registered therapists. Recommendation is always a good way to find a therapist too.  There are also free groups that you can go along too like Depression Alliance Groups which are very good.
http://www.depressionalliance.org/docs/what_we_offer/self_help_groups.html
See ‘Helplines and Support Groups’ on the Interact page on the website for a list of other Support Groups.  You don’t have to struggle with this alone.  In the meantime, we’re always here.  Do let us know how you get on Killick.  Good luck.  Helen

Hi Killik,

How are you today?

I just read your posting, and can very much understand how you feel towards feeling a bit vulnerable and are concerned about how work would affect you especially when you are a bit low like right now.

Helen has given your some valuable suggestions here, and I think they are helpful tips to take in.

I was in a similiar situation like yours not long ago.  I was feeling vulnerable a few months ago, and was very scared and concerned about how people at work would treat me etc.  I did not have the courage to tell them what’s going on with me, and just couldn’t be bothered to face things at work as I felt that I was falling into the same trap again, you know, the cycle of not being well, then escape from the situation, blah blah blah…  As a result, of this, I have taken time off from work to recover.  In the beginning, I felt really bad as I thought that I failed myself again.  However, as time goes on, I started getting better and even took the time to travel, now I feel hopeful again and living is possible. 

I guesss what I am trying to say here is that please be gentle with yourself, and love your body, mind and spirit.  You are your No 1, and nothing else matters as much if No 1 is not well.  I can be quite harsh on myself and don’t often give myself much credit, but having coming on to this site, I have learned to appreicate to give myself a big hug regularly.  My aunty said to me not long ago that “health is the most important thing, without it life means nothing.”  I think it is quite true and would like to share that with you.  Yes, there are other elements in life such as work, paying the bills etc, but if your NO 1 is not well and unhappy, does the other things in life matter as much?

Killik, I am sending you lots of positive energy and big hugs your way.  Please remember, you are important and you are NO 1.  Thinking of you and hoping you are doing OK today.

lol

Hi Killick, I can relate to what you’re saying.  My head is so heavy with the big black cloud of work.  I hate it.  I don’t want to be there any more.  Is it your job mate that’s making you feel like this?  I have a couple of scary people I work with too.  Do you find that taking a bit of time off work has helped?  Do you have anyone at home or a friend you can talk to about it?  I’ve been to see my doctor but they want to put me on medication and I’m scared of doing that but I’m also scared of carrying on as I am as I feel really bad.  I hope that today went ok at work Killick.  Wish I could do more to help and I hope it wasn’t as bad as you feared.  Will

Hello Killick XXx Sorry I missed your post XXX I have a stinker of a cold Xxx I had a scarie job in 1994 the boss that I had had been trained by the nazi’s in the hitler youth. HE WAS HORRID !!!! Anyway we all had to be in work for 7am or he would kick off because he wanted friday afternoons flexi to play golf. I was his whipping boy and he made me feel worthless and miserable. One morning I sat on the edge of my bed to put my socks on at 6am and was getting ready for work and the next moment was 10am, I was sat on the end of the bed paralysed with fear I had been dreading going into work so much I had got myself into such a state I had gone into trance !!!! sounds crazy yet it’s true. I decided I could never go into work ever again enough was enough. I phoned up the personal lady and told her the truth, I was so at the bottom of my jacobs ladder I thought there was no other way, I never ran my boss down I just joked and said we had a kind of mother in law son in law relationship clash and blamed it all on an enormous personality clash. The personnel lady said thats fine, let me look into it and was really sympathetic while I am thinking about going to the job centre. I sat in my living room in silence looking at the wall. This was the end, the finish….. THE BEGINNING , the phone rang and she said we can offer you a job on another site, have a lovely day, somebody is packing your things the other end and we are relocating you. I never returned to that job again !!! I ended up in a wonderful place with wonderful people and had a wonderful time. The boss I had had been under investigation and was sacked !! I never knew yet there was a reason for my misery. There was a really good reason I was miserable and I thought it was me and it WASN’T ME. I have found that believing now that everything that has happened to me has lead me to a greater good, has made me realise that the challenges were really the journey the endings were new beginnings and that life was really working with me not against me. The obstacles were really preventing me from entering into something that wasn’t really going to make me happy or show off my full potential my purpose. When things haven’t been going great for me they are usually because I have no sense of belonging because that sense is somewhere else the next friendship or relationship were my purpose flourishes and is fullfilled. Now with age and experience I realise when something horrid has happened in a place I am meant to be or belong somewhere else or I need to learn something I need to learn the lesson to understand it’s educational purpose or knowledge to help me understand better or preparation for something that really matters and I then learn how to behave or not behave. I found I needed challenges to prove to myself and others how I can manage how I can handle myself how compentent I am or found out that the person that I least respected had the same issues as me and needed a soul mate. Gosh there have been 100’s of positives that have come out of things that I haven’t necessarily thought were wonderul at the time. Killick YOUR WONDERFUL YOUR STRONG you can achieve the best for YOU XXX Hope is true in saying whatever is best for YOU XXX you are the most important wonderful being XXX you are you trully are amazing and you are going to look back at all of this one day and thank your lucky stars that this happened because if I had not been driven to make that call I would not be where I am now. I would have been a muppet to some dreadful evil bully of a boss. Trisha says the best revenge is success nobody can argue with success. Killick there is a seed in you that is ready to grow and flourish it justs needs a PUSH Xx this is one of lifes pushes XXXHUG HUG HUG XXXX I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO SHINE XXX the best leaders the greatest minds artists muscians creators inventors have had the same inner demons they come with success Xx they push YOU Xx Believe in the greater good Xxx Most stars have demons to make them SHINE Xx I believe in YOU XX

Killick Xx this is part of YOUR STORY Xx your journey Xxx your life Xx depressioncanbefun you’ll look back one day and smile XXx smile now Xx smile with me XXx laugh with me now XxHUGXX it’s going to be ok Xx time will tell and time heals Xx ride the wave Xxx I giving you good vibrations ...whoosh sending you lots of positive energy XXXXX

P.S I found out later my scarie boss had a rough ride at home his wife was having an affair with his best friend, his mother rejected him and he got sacked for embezzlement. He had his own story Xx

p.p.s Killick scarie people normally take their frustrations out on others Xx sadly you are so decent you might have turned them in on yourself Xx do you like any sports ? or do you have a hobbie Xx I have taken up sewing again and it helps me smell the flowers Xx HUGXXX I found in the past kick boxing helping and target practice pistol shooting ha ha in later life I have opted for my sedentary past times xx however I still like to think of myself as one of charlie’s angels XXwink wink xx

Killick Xx I told you my story to gain your empathy and respect Xxx so you know I can imagine the hell you are going through Xxx I am not there now and in a better place Xx you are in that horrid place and it wont last and we are with you all the way we can all root together to give you love respect and strength we can listen and in time we can all laugh and smile together xxx and you’ll be in a better place helping somebody in the horrid place xxx

The guardian tuesday 5 Jan 2010 -
Mindfulnesss Three minute exercise
mindfulness is described as a way of paying attention to feelings ans emotions so that they can be managed. It involves meditation , yoga and breathing techniques.

’ three minute breathing space’
1. ask yourself what is my experience right now ? and notice any body sensation, thoughts or feelings you are having without judging them.
2. place your attention on your breathing following the in-and-out breath as it naturally occurs.
3. Expand your awareness to the whole of your body continuing to notice any thoughts feelings or physical sensations that occur without judgemant.

Hope this helps :0) xx

Hello guys and gals.
I’ve not posted for a while and I’ve just noticed that I didn’t reply to your posts. At the time they were posted last year I was in a bit of a state and found it difficult to reply so I apologise to you all for that. I did read all the responses you gave and they really did help me get through a rough time.
I feel much better now than I did those 6 or 7 months ago though I still have the “Black Dog” from time to time but I’m learning how to deal with it, it’s not easy as you know.
I just thought I’d post to thank you all.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to be concerned enough to reply, you don’t know how much it meant at that time.

Killick

In the end, not that there really is an end, it’s ALL going to be about how much you smiled, how much you laughed, and how much you enjoyed your life.

Right now,
  The Universe

oh I love mike dooleys perception on life Xxx simply the best Xx

smile xxhugxx

“Love overcomes all obstacles.”

loving what is smiling at my faults and laughing with me at my mistakes ...loving what is ...loving my imperfections love overcomes all obstacles because I am enough Xxx thanks for that one Marissa…your a star ...Helen your an angel Xxx Brencoot your my hero Xx Thank you to all my friends for loving me warts and all and helping me through my black cloud…helping me make a rainbow Xx

Dear Killik, how lovely to hear from you and sounding so positive.  Glad to hear you’re keeping the ‘black dog’ locked up most of the time.  Thank you for letting us all know how you are.  Keep well. Best wishes to you from the site and me, Helen