Hi everyone
Can anyone give me a few words of advice or support? I’m so low at the moment, I hate myself so much and the only way I can see out of this horrible life is to be dead. I won’t hurt myself because I’ve promised myself that I won’t, but I just can’t see a way out or a way forward, and I don’t want to be stuck here forever. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do anything because I don’t want to subject other people to my ugly face and the stupid things that I say and do. I know I should probably see my doctor and go on some medication, but medication won’t stop me from being a stupid annoying waste of space will it?
I’m sorry to ask, but can anyone help? I don’t know what to do.

I remember feeling like this in the past because some idiot had been mean to me..has somebody been mean to you..?
Gosh I hope your not saying that to beautiful Gem…I would be upset if somebody spoke to me like that Xxx Reality is what you allow your mind to see came out of my fortune cookie on a white slip with red writing…I thought about it ...soooooooo true ...Now I am princess tinker bell…I am beautiful gorgeous sexy and have the most amazing personality loved and adored by many and why not ...do you know there is some truth in that teee heee XXx hug Xxx I play games with my little girl and we walk into a fantasy world ..its so cool ...full of unicorns and rainbows. One of my beautiful friends bought me a rainbow crystal for my birthday and the sun catches it in my living room and fills the room with different rainbow lights Xxx You don’t know your beautiful one direction and Bruno mars…those songs were sung for women like you ...because some stupid idiot decided to put them down or worst of all they put themselves down…people don’t go around telling you your beautiful or gorgeous ..I do I tell people and guess what they think I am mad or lying !!! or I want something ..I assure you princess tinker bell does not lie ....I hope your feeling better ..because remember EVERYBODY is somebodys beautiful ....EVERYBODY ...even me Xxx Don’t think your different ...don’t think you can be ugly…ha ha ...what makes you think you can’t be beautiful ..like the rest of us ...everybody is BEAUTIFUL ...everybody has somebody who thinks they are gorgeous ...your mums your dads ..your aunties ..the boy down the road…the ex boyfriends you did not fancy Xxx hugs Xxx stay being you even being sad your cute X hug X

Hi Chloe
Thanks so much for your reply, I’ve been re-reading it all day. You’re a very kind person! It’s so hard to believe all those nice things you say when I’m feeling so low but I promise I’ll try
Thanks x

Ah I am glad you sound happier Xx life can be a real hard faced cow sometimes she can be a hateful old witch ...why does she do it ..get her claws out hurt me ??? I don’t know why ? some days I choose to ignore her ...la la la la pretend I can’t hear bitching in my ear about me…she goes on and on and on ...telling me some really horrible horrible lies ...some days she can go too far she tells me I am ugly ..she tells me I am fat ....she tells me people don’t like me ...I don’t fit in she’s such a horrible horrible bitch she bullies me sooooooo much its untrue ...some days when she gets to me I can’t face going out ..I can’t face going to work ...she makes me feel uncomfortable she makes me weak she makes me scared ....then I realised she is just a thought !! in my head ! my thought ...then I realise the life I choose is because of me ..my thoughts ..my distruction ..nobody said I was fat ...it was me ! ....why am I being sooooooo mean to me ...why do I do it ? ....so I choose not to when I look in the mirror I see me ...me me me ...and I say love you ...love you ...when I say to my friends love you ..its means I want you to love YOU ...love yourself ...when I started to appreciate I am ok ..I look good ..I strted to say I am enough..who wants to be a movie star ..do you ..people run them down mean and cruel one once of cellulite bitched about and in the papers ..looking for their imperfections to pump others up ..ummm not for me..A friend once said to me beautiful women people look for faults ...ugly women people look for the good bits…he was referring to me when I felt low I thought cheekie monkey then I realised he was right ..I heard people bitch about beauty…

My daughter loves watching the program of the girls joined together two heads and they share a body she watches them because those girls make my little baby strong ...I love those two conjoined girls I do ..gosh they inspire me…go girls they are so lovely witty funny cute ..they are amazing. Xx Do you know what I think most of those conjoined girls after watching them on TV they are beautiful beautiful beautiful Xxx they truly are ...Xx who can argue ?

Hello Gems, I often think how we are often our own worst enemy and speak to ourselves and treat ourselves worse than we would treat our enemy.  I wonder what we think we have ever done to deserve such treatment and criticism? We all see from a young age that children and people thrive on praise.  As we grow up fewer people praise us but it doesn’t mean we don’t still need it to grow and love it and thrive on it.  I now give praise to myself and I give it to others. It costs nothing, takes no time and can make such a big difference to someone and to me.  It can be just a few words. 
All the best people beat themselves up just as I think the best mums beat themselves up.  It’s the ones who don’t who should be beating themselves up!
You hang in there beautiful, special Gems and try praise in place of self criticism.  Marisa Peer, author of Ultimate Confidence, asks if we would treat our best friend as badly as we treat ourselves and if we would speak to them as we speak to ourselves sometimes.
I don’t think many of my friends would put up with how I sometimes speak to myself…‘Idiot! Stupid woman’. So why should we speak to ourselves like that? We deserve better.  You deserve better.
I love Chloe’s analogy of life as a witch and a bitch.  It’s great and true.  Only we can let her be a bitch to us.  As Chloe says, we can ignore her and get on with our ‘thing’.  I like that one.  If we ignore a naughty child they give up looking for attention.  Maybe the life bitch will do the same!  Here’s to that.  Take care Gems.  Thinking of you.  Helen

Beautiful you Xxx stay Loving you Helen Xx and I love Helen too Xxx hug X

Gems Xxx Love you Xxx

Love Gems Xxx

Thanks so much for your kind words and support ladies. I’m feeling a little better today but I feel like another ‘crash’ could happen at any point. I’ve been so up and down recently. I’ll try to think of myself as a separate person who I need to look after like I’d look after a friend. I really want to be strong enough to have a child in the future so it kinda helps to think that there’s another potential life inside me that needs caring for. That probably sounds really silly doesn’t it but it works in my head! It’s just those awful black days that make you believe that you’ll never achieve anything like that… Stupid life who bullies us… I need to fight back don’t I…
Thanks xxx

Yes the best revenge Trisha says is success ..staying strong is success in itself Xx I have a 80 20 rule I am allowed to pity myself 20% of the time and the other 80% I have no excuses….all or nothing can lead to failure so being upbeat might not always be possible for me and allowing myself the odd little indulgence of self loathing is fine every now and then..I know I am not perfect yet I am some body’s perfect..my daughter would not change me for the world. I thought sometimes I did not like my name then when I change my name it doesn’t feel right its not me. you focusing on achieving which is good are you treating yourself. Are you looking after yourself a little nurture. With my friends in the past I have asked them to see themselves as a little baby in their own arms..then get them to tell that baby your ugly your stupid they can’t do it ..so I love your idea, really great. Yes you must look after yourself your independence in year R when you started school was essential independence is the greatest gift to any person freedom free will choice ..beautiful attributes your own control captain. No ruler so bossing you about just you loving you Xxx Not having to rely on anybody. Yet I need praise I need encouragement like the little year R’s a little well done me..that deserves a reward…Helens is a coffee ..mine is a warm bath nice music with a coffee ..rubbing nice cream into my body lovingly. I thank my body for looking after me. I may seem crazy yet hey why not Xx I love your idea…very clever Xxx hug

Hi Gems, my advice would be to try to go with the flow and not stress about or get too down about worrying about what will be or not being able to cope.  The more I worried and stressed the lower I fell into the pit, the more antidepressants I had to take and the less I felt I was even alive.  I ended up having to leave my job worrying all the while of how I would be strong enough to be able to cope with another, pay for my kids and nearly sent myself mad.  All I could do was sit in front of the TV day in day out.  By complete chance I fell into the job I am in now by going in to help out a mate at work one day.  3 years later I am still there.  On less money but not depressed, get to spend time with my kids and they are happier just because I get to see them.  I couldn’t have planned it better if I’d tried.  I just wish I hadn’t made myself so ill worrying about it.  I wish the same happy ending for you Gems.  Will

Chloe what great replies as always.  Hope you’re well.  I’m off work with my kids this week! Will

Will Xx that was the most beautiful wonderful post I love the serendipity ..you cheer me up Xx I am job hunting full of fear ..I can feel the fearful moments sneaking back yet I stamp on them…I take a hot bath and loook at all the positive quotes on facebook to detox my negative thoughts ..I am off too ..painted the bench in the front garden with my daughter beautiful moment ..my daughter has made perfume from the rose petals and it smells lovely Xx good to hear from you ...Thank you Xxx

I throw this to the wind
But what if I was right
Well, did you trust your noble dreams
And gentle expectations to the mercy of the night?
The night will always win
The night has darkness on its side
I’ll throw this to the wind

I miss your stupid face
I miss your bad advice
I tried to clothe your bones with scratchy
Super 8s, exaggerated stories and old tunes
But never by the moon
But not the state I’m in
The night will always win

I throw this to the wind
But what if i was right
Well, did you trust your noble dreams
And gentle expectations to the mercy of the night?
The night will always win
The night has darkness on its side
I’ve thrown this to the wind

I miss your stupid face
I miss your bad advice
I tried to clothe your bones with scratchy
Super 8s, exaggerated stories and old tunes
But never by the moon
But never the state that I’m in
The night will always win
Elbow - The Night Will Always Win

Thanks Will, I know what you mean when you’re worrying about so many thanks that you end up almost paralysed and only able to sit. I hate it when it gets that bad. My friend persuaded me to go out this evening, I didn’t stay very long but I’m glad I made the effort to go out and enjoy myself rather than sitting at home worrying about everything x