Hi all, one of my friends has reccomended I look at this site and I must say I love the title of it…if Depression can be fun then wa-hey!

I won’t write loads out as it’s pretty late now and I’m trying to get my sleep pattern a bit more ‘normal’ atm.

Basically I first became depressed at the age of 19 and this co-incided with my first relationship, it got pretty serious quickly being away from home at Uni and I progressed through Panic attacks to GAD to depression pretty quickly and severely…i stayed with this chap for 2 years and basically by the end of it was totally broken…I then left uni and never really resolved anything it was all just left and i lost a lot of friends over it…i was basically heart broken and so harsh on myself about it.

I think took the next two years really to recover with a year with the CMHT and psychiatrist etc…eventually i thought i have to get some work in and i just did it i got a temp job and life pretty much picked up from there, yes i was nervous but i just worked through it and gained enough confidence to go for a full time job…i have now been in this current job for 3 years and moved out of home in this time too…things were going pretty well but i’d ignored men for pretty much 5 years after my time at uni….so i thought u know what i’m doing well i can have a b/friend now…so i got one….cut to the chase the same story again.

i’ve been off work 5 months now, it’s more GAD/depression this time, i dont really suffer from PA’s with it anymore….work have just started putting more pressure on me and i really feel like it’s a barrier for me recovering…i HATE the thought of going back with people knowing, i HATE the thought of going back and not being sure how to act/talk behave etc…i HATE the fact that i feel so self-conscious and that i can’t quite be the person i was before there and all in all i just don’t know how to approach it all.

when i said i didn’t feel ready for a return to work yest they were shocked…so at the end of the meeting i had to sign a medical release form to allow them to talk to my GP about a prognosis and also agree to come in next week to do a capability assessment with HR…now i dont’ want to commit to a date at this point, i feel like i get stronger and then atm work is knocking me back all the time as it’s one massive step too many, i’m not sure if it’s making my recovery a lot harder coz it’s there all the time, so even when i feel a bit better it’s in the back of my mind…today has been awful, i’ve had 2 nosebleeds today which is prob stress related, had a nap during the day…haven’t done that for ages too and have generallly just felt like there is 10,000 tonnes on my shoulders…it all just seems too much to cope with basically.

mum tries but she just says ‘what can we do’ and i dont really have any answers to that….i don’t have a union rep so have no idea what my rights are so maybe i’m getting more panicked than i should be?

half of me thinks, oh just stuff it! but the other half thinks well then i’ve got no income what so ever and also i still have to summon the braveness to get another job at some point, prob full time, do i take the hit and back-track my career or do i just keep trying and hope that one day i can return to work, even if it ends up me being off for a year and yes i know that’s a long time but to me it doesn’t coz i’ve been in my head going over things and not relaxing that whole time.

one things for sure tho i have been doing a little better recently in terms of activity if nothing else…this really feels like it’s set me back again…i really dont know what the answer is but i feel like things are going to come to a head soon and i just hope i can deal and get through it without it really damaging me further i guess….

sorry this is soooo long and a little jumbled…does anyone have any words/advice to help me calm down with this issue and stop it causing me to go backwards all the time?  i just feel like it’s too much to cope with atm.

thanks to anyone that replies….i hope i can help others too, i’ve read a lot of books etc so i know the theory!

Sarah xx

Dear Sarah, first of all welcome to the site.  I’m glad you’ve found us.  You sound like a fighter Sarah.  The fact that you pulled yourself round and got into full time employment and held it down is a real credit to you.  It is a shame that you have consciously lived without a relationship in an attempt to stay well.  Did you find out in your therapy why you linked your Depression and initial panic attacks to your relationship and why it’s happened again?  Do you think that it is a certain type of relationship you find yourself in that triggers your Depression or your fear of a close relationship or losing a close relationship? Finding the root of the problem or your fear and learning the tools to manage them could very well help you to live a full life again which is no less than you deserve Sarah.  A good therapist can help you to do this. 
I do know what you mean about the stress and pressure from work about when you are going back not helping your recovery.  It’s always there if not in the form of physical contact, you know it’s coming.  Maybe you could tell your doctor that and your doctor could explain that to your work.  Your workplace have a care of duty to you as an employee so if they know all the details, they have to respect that care of duty.  If you feel comfortable saying to them that you will go back in another 6 months that may resolve that issue and give you time you feel you need to get yourself feeling stronger and better.  You could discuss this with your doctor.  They will have experience in such matters and dealing with employers.  Try to offload whatever you can that is causing you stress and that you feel comfortable offloading to lessen that weight on your shoulders.
I also know what you mean about going back to work wondering about how you could/should behave.  I’ve been there myself.  Do the people at work know why you are off work?  Maybe you could speak to your doctor about this too or ask to speak to someone about it. 
I am glad to here that you’ve been active.  It sounds like you’re doing all the right things to lift your mood.  It would just help to remove work from the equation at the moment if you don’t feel ready to go back right now.
Hang on in there and keep doing what you’re doing.  We are always here Sarah.
Best wishes, Helen

Hello Sarah I read your story and hang back in case I stopped somebody else wanting to talk to you didn’t wanna hog the space and not give somebody a chance to talk to you. I know Helen has been without a computer so sorry about the delay. I read your story I have been there toooooo the dreaded how do I face em syndrome ...yikes I remember it well all those warm smiling faces saying take it easy today if you fancy a little break just go and get yourself a hot drink ...They gave me this gorgeous chap who was about to retire to look after me and he was my mentor oh he was wonderful, spiritual kind and blamed many a persons fault on the ego and needing to be in control. We laughed together and he was my grass hopper. Your probably too young to know about grass hopper. I sat at home terrfied about my return after 6 months off I had this occupational health lady come and visit me once a week and check on my progress. Then the bosses wife started taking me for lunch to cheer me up. I thought she was checking up on me at the time yet everybody was really really concerned and really cared. I found out that most people know somebody who has had or been depressed themselves…its not the plague and wonderful actors have told the press about their experiences even the famous Simon Cowell has admitted he gets bursts of depression its a form of life a state of mind it happens to a heck of alot of people. So chances are looking at the facts there would rarely be anybody that could be wicked enough to be rotten and that person would be one heck of a meanie to set you off again. I get panicky and needy when I first meet a bloke I ready the books the blogs men don’t like needy woman they love the dynamic fun loving woman who has a life of her own and doesn’t need them. SOOOO whats the point ? ? ? might as well add him to your list of mates ...then there’s the rules don’t ring him back after he calls wednesday for a thursday date ....yes it traps a man through game playing yet is that gonna be my soul mate….do you know something yeah I am needy and insecure when a guy is not giving me his time !!! when he doesn’t call. Yet the lad that was crazy about me in my teens did and he made me feel secure oh yeah but I hurt him. Not saying its the lads fault if I am needy yet hey ho he’s not the one for me because I’ll just end up a nervous mess of jello hey and I thought my partner was a person who makes me feel amazing wow sexy and wha hey… above all… needed ....ummmm isn’t that chap just the one for you ....sadly you just might not feel the same about him and he’s rejected. ..MAD HEY ?  ...wouldn’t it be great if you did..YES there is this really great sexy guy you are one day going to date who makes you feel all woman these men exist…I have found one who makes me tingle because he is so gorgeous and he makes me feel wow…they exist they are out there and the ones that treat em mean and their be keen well they are insecure and like old grass hopper said need the control need to remind the ego that they are the ones that need to feel secure need to feel needed by being that fun loving dynamic bloke who doesn’t need a woman. Decent gorgeous sexy men who are sincere and phone you text you and would love to have you on their arm exist they do…he’s just around the corner ...and as for the one that broke your heart you’ll look back and think praise the lord well perhaps not those words but you might say ’ LUCKY ESCAPE’ from the old bird that has been there Xx Chloe

This man changed my life going public Stephen Fry…he made me realise the most amazing fantastic of people get ill. I heard about him on the news and how he had gone missing and I cried… he had given me such joy making me laugh with his comedy…I remember my sister and I rolling about in tears when he was and Hugh Lawrie sang Hey Jude oh we laughed and laughed what a memory he gave me.Then he made me realise I wasn’t special, depression is an illness anybody can get and there are those that have had it learnt of people that have and this bit is the scarie bit THE PEOPLE WHO may be DUE TO GET DEPRESSION that judge those that have had it or have it…nobody is immune to the black dog Xx Hug Xx I copied and pasted Stephens story its on this web you may have read it.

He writes 1 in 4 people like me have a mental health problem. Many more people have a problem with that. Stephen Fry

Stephen Fry has experienced mental health problems for much of his life. But it wasn’t until he was 37 that he was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. “I’d never heard the word before, but for the first time I had a diagnosis that explains the massive highs and miserable lows I’ve lived with all my life.”

During research for his documentary ‘The Secret Life of The Manic Depressive’, Stephen found out that the illness affects hundreds of thousands of people in the UK. He was also dismayed to discover the extent of prejudice surrounding mental health problems. “I want to speak out, to fight the public stigma and to give a clearer picture of mental illness that most people know little about.”

Stephen thinks better public awareness is essential to help people break their silence. “Once the understanding is there, we can all stand up and not be ashamed of ourselves, then it makes the rest of the population realise that we are just like them but with something extra.”

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the terms disorder, illness, condition, etc
Submitted by Stevan on Fri, 01/10/2010 - 7:30am.

I was ‘diagnosed’ with bi-polar disorder aged 25 in 1993, when I was (sectioned) hospitalised, following a self-destructive incident, although my first attempt at self destruction occurred much earlier, aged four.

For me, bipolar, depression, call it what you will, is my frustration with humankind’s / society’s apparent intent to destroy itself, each other, its environment and everything in it and the feeling that it is my fault, because I am not doing, or cannot do enough, to persuade humanity to please be kind to itself, its fellow beings and its environment.

If kind is too much to ask, then respectful will suffice.

Back to the subject, This is my disorder? Aren’t causing pain, damage and suffering disorders? Aren’t ignorance and prejudice disorders? Who’s treating these with electric shocks and drug induced emotional castration?

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Thanks to Fry i can take off the mask.
Submitted by GeniusOrMadman on Thu, 23/09/2010 - 9:16pm.

I am 43 now and for as long as i can remember (as an adult) i have known i was different. My user name is not a joke , it was how i felt . most of the time i thought i was a genius (an above average IQ helps perpetuate this idea), the rest i feared i was mad. I knew no one would understand as i didnt and i was brainier than them. I knew i suffered from depressions once or twice a year for years without cause. I knew this was wrong but i also was aware of aspects of my behaviour/thinking that were also off the ‘norm’ from comments made by workmates or seeing their different behaviour etc. Hence the need for ‘mask’ . The mask being pretence , i pretend to behave as i thought i should. This only made things worse. I will jump to end as i have realised im waffling. im trying to lay foundation but as im currently hypomanic (big clue) is a struggle to keep brief and on track. So im watch old episode of Qi when Mr Fry makes comment about manic depression having highs. I never knew this about it. I go online and find it ticks the boxes. I contact gp in may 2010 who arranges meetings with pros and i am diagnosed as being bi-polar Aug 2010. Initially given diagnosis of cyclothalmic I know i am not an extreme case but i am learning more about myself each day eg, i thought i rapid cycle due to regular lows but according to resaerch person (i am part of abc study) it seems as tho what i think is normal may be mania. She asked who i was feeling and i said great , normal , no high (thoughts were managable) or low . She identified a aspects of mania she had noticed in me within 5 minutes. Point i was trying to make is this . I dont believe people see depression etc as mental health problem. It needs more celebs to come out as Mr Fry did to highlight it. Sorry if i have waffled but you wouldnt believe how much more i could write in fact its a struggle to stop . i keep wanting to add bits. all these things i could write , if anyone wants to know you can message me on twitter @geniusormadman . im going to stop now. finally tho briefly i may be different from the norm but i dont wanna change. My thoughts go out to those who have lost the fight and their relatives. Now lets brighten up this dreary world , it needs us

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkpNkBFUKMM&feature=related

U tube Hey Jude

ohhhh Laugh ! its when Stephen comes in with the frog chorus Xx soooooooooo funny

What a memory ...shows my age !!!

Hey Jude Hugh Laurie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkpNkBFUKMM&feature=related

GET MOVING TO END THE STIGMA

The path to enlightenment is not a path at all, it’s actually a metaphor for the time it takes for you to allow yourself to be happy with who you already are, where you’re already at, and what you already have - no matter what.

Just do it,
  The Universe

Sarah I see this quote today all stems back to the I AM ENOUGH which Marissa Peer advocates

Hey gorgeous your wonderful strong and an amazing person

If you could see yourself as others do you would wish you were as wonderful as you Jon Bon Jovi

Life can get scarie
Can’t get out of bed
Yet whats going on
Its all in my head

Somebody out there
might be mean to me

Has anybody been mean just recently
No
It happened so long ago and I still feel
the same way
feel that its my fault
take all the blame
They have move on
I’m haunted by the same dream
People were mean to me
People not keen
And now I feel like the scene
from the scream
The meanies have gone now
Have all gone away
The nice ones are out there
the ones ready to face

The nice ones that take it at your steady pace
never seeing a rush
A nice person that cares
or never does push

A kind person with patience
kindness is true
A kind person who wont care
if your happy or blue

So when you are ready
you’ll begin to see
Not every body is a meanie
Just 2 or 3
The world would be a better place
without having them
Yet how would realise we have a good
friend
Thanks to the meanies a difference
is seem thanks to the meanies because they are mean

Sadly the experience goes straight to my head
Sadly the experiences wish I was dead
I can’t handle meanies
I have not got the skill
Not everybody is a meanie
It only took one to my make me so ill

So many kind people ready to see
The worlds a kind place not full of
deceit
There are nice people out there
honest there are
You wont have to look really that far

Go and give them a chance
just go and see
The lady with the warm smile
at the corner cafe

The milkman the postman always so late
There are nice people out there us girls get to date Xxx

wow thanks for all the replies!

i have seen therapists off and on, the main one practises NLP…relationships are definitely my trigger but i think generally it’s a self esteem, self confidence problem and also i’m a massive worrier!  the two relationships i’ve had i’ve gone into already thinking ‘oh well this won’t last, i don’t want it to last’ then i get in way too deep the anxiety starts and then depression etc…so i guess my ‘faults’ really are making decisions based on the wrong kinda facts, like i think well i’ll just raise my confidence by getting with someone for a while or even to show off kinda like ‘yeah i’ve got a boyfriend’ it’s interesting that both of the b/friends have been linked to social groups that r very important to me, my uni friends and my work colleauges…unfortunately i end up having to cut all ties with these people as i feel so embarrassed about it all and can’t keep my behaviour in check etc….but i guess all my therapy has been more focussed on moving on rather than exploring too much my actions etc…it’s more been a well get over that quick kinda solution…even though i’ve never got over anything quickly!

got a letter from work summoning me on monday…i can feel my stress going up already…they want to set a return to work date and i feel like if i sit there and say no then it’ll go down a nasty path with them with capability statements etc…i’m not really sure what my rights r there though…but i can just see it ending really badly, maybe that’s my frame of mind but i just don’t feel strong enough to fight it atm or contemplate being around people feeling like i do about myself….i feel like i try and i read all the right stuff etc but it just doesn’t connect sometimes…i’ve been really nervous today, just like i was floating around and my speak was all wobbley too…in short it sucks atm!

thank you again for your replies, i’m gonna try and stay calm over this weekend.

got a meal out 2moro so gonna try and go to that as a challenge,

Sarah x

Hi Sarah,
I have been reading your postings, and I feel the urge to write something here. Like you, I have experienced pressure from work, not knowing what to do with HR, weather returning to work or not, doubting my capabilities etc, feeling scared of making the wrong decision ... the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I myself have also been imagining the worst could happen if I don’t follow the rules & do the “right thing”. Also I try to do the right thing by other people’s standard, and don’t want to upset anyone else. Believe it or not, a lot of time when I am in that state, I end up upseting the most important peron - me! However, I have learned recently that “right” and “wrong” are two very grey terms. Sometimes what you think is right might be the wrong for the others. I now realise that if I follow my heart, then I will have the courage to do, act and speak up for myself. Once I have done what I set out to do, then it is all that matters. There will always be people judging you, criticising you for whatever you do regardless. It is just human nature, I guess. The most important thing is that do what is the BEST for you. At the end of the day, your health and your mental state are far more important than anything else. It is easy said than be done, but I feel much better nowerdays if I just DO it, and not worry too much about how other people will react from it. I have done it, and I am very proud of myself for believing in myself and ignore all the judgmental and critical people out there. It feels great, and I feel very much empowered from taking charge and not let anyone else influnce the way how I want to live my life.

Not sure if I am making sense here, but I just want to let you know that you are not alone for how you feel and what you have…. I have been learning to live with depression for a while, and so are a lot of people here on the forum. We are all here for one and another.

Hope you are feeling a little bit better today. Going out for a meal sounds like a great idea. Have a nice weekend, Sarah.

Hope

Hello Hope and Sarah Xx I remember somebody saying to me F false E experience A acting R reality its sooooooo true because my fears are what happens I get a FEAR and then I manifest the fear into a reality….its like a perfect creation I get the result I wanted..bad…yet when I can see the positive I tend to get a positive. I love to say I am enough and it makes me feel better. Last week I had a date the chap was full of himself he made me feel inadequate and I began to feel rubbish in myself. Then I started to think of all the things people say to me I see my friends in my head and relay the nice comments they make about me over and over again…I begin to feel better about myself. Life for me is like a lock and key mechanism the jobs the people that are meant to be in my life empower me make me feel enough and I feel happy…..the square pegs in a round hole are not my destiny and if the shoe doesn’t fit ...I can’t walk the walk talk the talk and be who I am. Sarah you might have to face whatever at work and need to tell them how you feel and your only human I always say hey I would love to be cool I would love to be ok sadly I am not and I do need your help to pull me through this and I am a human being with faults. I also get people to imagine what it would be if a family member was like me it brings it home. Yet people are usually kind and after I have been honest and said this is the way it is I need your help what do you suggest I find out their aims or intentions with me. Good luck beautiful Sarah and I am thinking of you and my precious friend Hope Xx Chloe

I just wanna say I love what Hope wrote so true Xx so so true its about YOU Sarah your choices your life YOUR CHOICE Xx hug XxChloe

Chorus to Gold - Spandau Ballet

gold
always believe in your soul
you’ve got the power to know
you’re indestructable
always believe in,because you are
gold
glad that you’re bound to return
there’s something I could have learned
you’re indestructable,always believe in

YOU !

Marissa suggests in her book sing a song in my head- I love this chorus and much like I am enough I sing this in my head when I am scared and not feeling good enough. Its more or less what Hope was saying it reminded me of this Xx Chloe

Looks change.

Beauty lasts.

Gorgeous,
  The Universe

A bit like our life it changes yet our life lasts Xxx Chloe

We are all survivors how strong is that Xx go power xx good luck today Sarah Xx