Wow Sarah, you’ve put all that in place in a few days.  Have you read Chloe’s self esteem clips? (I know I have and learned a thing or two!)  It talks about patting yourself on the back along the way and rewarding yourself.  I hope that you are patting yourself on the back!  More than that, I hope you are rewarding yourself or planning to do so in a way that will keep you motivated to keep going.  It’s fabulous what you’re organised.  By the time Friday comes, with your doctor’s appointment and CAB, you will feel much better equipped and hopefully calmer too to deal with it.  Remember Sarah, that this meeting is as much for you as them.  You want to find out what you are dealing with and what time they will give you for you to feel ready to go back.  Do make sure you tell them what you think would help you feel ready to go back and do the job justice for them.  If you put it to them in a way that you want to do your best for them and you think that to be able to do that, you will need X amount of time and support and to go back part time for the first few days ....etc etc (whatever you feel would work and be best for you), they will hopefully be co-operative and want to help.  As I said, if you are honest with them, they have a duty of care to you.  At least after this week Sarah, the work siutation will be hopefully off your back and you can get on with getting better, stronger and look forward to the future.  We are all with you Sarah and thinking about you.  You’re an amazing woman proven by your actions.  Best wishes, Helen

ha ha I love the excited puppy metaphor Xx hug do you know I couldn’t think of anybody more adoreable. You wouldn’t make anybody feel threathened your not a snob a bitch a unapproachable meanie gosh you sound so adoreable. Who would kick that gorgeous little puppy I just want to kiss and cuddle it Xx Oh wow aren’t you amazing amazing people just see the gorgeous you Sarah that gorgeous girl there is nothing nasty about you. I would rather be seen as that than some of the bitchie meanies who think they are in control..NOT Xx your gorgeous you wear your heart and your sleeve honest sincere never cold you’ll never be lonely XxhugXx how adoreable GOOD LUCK with the doctors Xx like the flu things take time to heal there is no rush we all live till we are 100 Xx Chloe

Sarah how did it go ? Hope your ok Xx Chloe

Hi Chloe, Helen and all,

Doctors went well thank you, have been signed off for another month but she’s put on it about a phased return after that…by then we’ll be in December, I really hope that I feel it will be achievable by then, hopefully it will just be 3 morning a week and if I can survive till Xmas then I’ll be pleased with myself, just hope I can go back after lol!  But yes we’ll see, not sure how I’m feeling really, I do feel like my GP is on my side though which is good, I have to go and see her next Fri to review what she’s writing for work.  I still feel well really tense but at least it’s one thing over this week.

Tomorrow is hopefully the CAB just to see where I stand a bit really as this is a real scare and also I don’t want to feel like the control is being taken away from me I guess, if I feel like I’m being forced back then I won’t be that happy!

Thank you for the self esteem notes as well, I think sometimes my trouble is that I read everything but I don’t connect with it sometimes, like I could pass an exam on it all but it’s not quite in my heart yet!

So now I’m just tired so bath and early night for me I think later!

Sarah x

There’s no rush Sarah Xx how wonderful. You need time to get back to finding yourself again and get happiness back in your soul. I hope you are doing something nice for you. I used to punish myself for being ill. I used to get really cross and disappointed with myself. Then one day I managed to hang some washing on the line took me forever I was so weak. I then thought I have made progress ....I was sooooooo pleased with myself I thought from this moment on I am going to pat myself on the back no more beating myself up for what I have not managed to get done I am going to be proud of what I have achieved and focus on that. So I did and gosh it brought about a change in me. In later life I realised what I had done. I had told myself at the moment that I am enough (peer) I love what was (Katie) and I accepted myself there and then for who I am in that moment (toile) and took baby steps back to a happier new me which is what Helen has akways said. There is no rush ...there is never any rush ha ha. Patient loving and care of myself and seeing you are able to do the same is wonderful for me to read about Xx Hopefully nobody would force you to do anything that would cause you to suffer. When I first went back to work it was soooooooo scarie lots of smiling faces some looking a little guilty because they had given me a rough time.. which was endearing because that meant they cared and didn’t realise how mean they had been to me. Yet I wouldn’t change it for the world Sarah all those lessons all that experience it has made me who I am now. ..otherwise I would have a boring existence and not had the adventure. I have evolved through my life lessons and those lessons have made me who I am Good luck XxHUGXx Thinking of you Xx Chloe

Hi Chloe…it’s great to hear such a positive tale!  It sounds like you got your thoughts in order too about returning to work, I don’t think I’m quite there yet!

Had quite a low day today, could kinda feel it when I got up really, I had a appt with the wellbeing lady at 3.30 and i didn’t really do anything tell then…before my appt i went to get some petrol, so i was pleased with that…i’d been putting that off for a while, then went to my appt…i was late going in by 10 mins and i got the feeling that she was just trying to get rid of me really….she then told me it was the end of our sessions (!!!) and we reviewed my score and they were actually much worse now…well that made me feel pretty bad, one the fact that i wasn’t going to get anymore support and the other that i was feeling worse! kinda thought i was another thing i hadn’t managed to do if i’m honest (wrong thing to think i know) so then i started crying in the appt…but the lady kept looking at the clock, eventually she was like i’m really sorry but u have to go now…so i had to walk through the surgery with really red eyes, made it to my car and literally sobbed in there for a good 15 mins…then just thought well i’d better get home really…god home, cried some more in front of my dad who just looked awkward and asked if i wanted a cup of tea and then what should we have with our salmon tonight…felt like saying I REALLY DON’T CARE!! anyway eventually i just walked out the kitchen up to my room and cried some more!  then mum got home and i cried more!  she was a bit better and actually gave me a hug and said ‘remember u did this once, u can do it again’....but all in all it hasn’t been a great day tonight, i am feeling very tired now and well rather deflated to say the least…i think now i’ll have to see someone privately, i need someone to give me a bit of confidence and belief back now….i’m not sure if CBT is enough for me, i can see it academically but i can’t quite connect with it…i could see maybe i could if i was just in my ‘normal’ life but i feel everything feels too much atm to do worksheets and really believe it all etc….

sorry for the rant tonight!
thanks for reading,
Sarah x

Morning Sarah, I’m sorry to hear about your pig awful day but you know what, today could be much better.  Sometimes when things are going really badly I just look forward to the next one being a lot better! 
I have been speaking to a lot of people about Mindful CBT lately. I’m going to get a professional to write an article on it for the website because everyone rates is so highly as a fantastic treatment for depression.  Apparently it’s much better than CBT.  Also I heard that GPs are prescribing it at the moment as it’s heavily being trialed within the NHS.  It’s a course of 6-8 weeks.  Given your standard CBT has finished (and too abruptly from what you said yesterday) and you didn’t feel it was enough, why don’t you go back to your doctor, explain what happened yesterday and your situation re aiming to go back to work in December and get him/her to refer you?  Just an idea.  As I say people aren’t just talking about this treatment, everyone is shouting about how good it is.  Good luck today Sarah.  Just think by the end of tomorrow you will have had your meeting with work and can relax this weekend and look forward to some real time to focus on you and nothing else for a while.  Thinking of you and hoping today is a good day.  Best wishes, Helen

Morning Gorgeous XXx ah can I give you an ENORMOUS GREAT BIG GIGANTIC HUG Xxx hey I am so glad to hear another person who hates going to the petrol station I run on fumes rather than go….what is it with petrol stations ...do you get a problem with super markets too I used to have a super market thing it was really really bad I could only shop by the door. I get really really self conscious in the petrol station, then end up dropping my nozzle spilling fuel, drop my card as I attempt a pay at the pump, the wind whistling around me and for some reason I can’t get the card to add my morrison points. Still feeling I am being watched by the world I drive off having a near miss with the kerb which I bounce off feeling I have drawn all this attention to myself Xx I talk about me for empathy and hope I make you laugh I don’t wanna do a topper and better your story just wanna tap into your empathy XxhugXx My ex hubby couldn’t do tears ...I guess its a man thing ..he was inept in that department bless him sent him into a blind panic ahhhh tears stop her at any cost. My little girls cries and I do everything say anything to stop her…why ? cryings ok ..I should just rock her and kiss her and say there there there. My friend came around the other night and she was crying and I yes ME ...went into a panic I couldn’t cope I tried to feed her..cheer her up and she just needed to cry. I thought to myself she just needs to cry kiss her cuddle her and treat her like your daughter just be there say nothing and hold her and say there there there. So I did…she cried alot and then she was ok. I have a good cry…I am a private crier. I take myself off and whale. I do I cry and cry and take a shower, the shower washes my tears away. Your everso strong Sarah Xx you are I can see it ..I can Xx Oh therapists gosh smash the clock…was it in a GP sugery ? ha ha I laugh thanks to my rotten therapist I am where I am now. CBT was excellent yet the doctors therapist kept looking at the clock kept digging for my dirt about all the stuff I didn’t wanna dig up then when I eventually told her to shut her up, she said time and I was left with the memory of my horrid past there in my conscious mind…oh ...it was horrid…I walked out of the doctors not fit to live !!! my mind was full of horrors !!! Then I sank into this pity pool and had to go back to work and put on a brace face. I was a lab tech and all my experiments were going wrong I was a bag of nerves and a real mess. I rang my friend who was studying medicine and he said you’ll have to go private if you want any real help…what I had no money. Then a friend an NLP therapists suggested Amazon and the other friend introduced me to Nighingale Conant I started my own quest self help. I am now a self help junkie and I only recently learnt at 44 years I am now 45 about ‘I AM ENOUGH’ which I found watching Helen being interviewed on telly with Marissa Peer. I also found out about tapping Emotional freedom technique have you tried that ?

Sarah my illness put me on a journey a journey which has been rich with success and meeting and knowing the most wonderful people. I have found some famous exciting professionals have started off ill. Byron Katie wayne Dyer not sure about Deepak or Peer yet they needed the impedus the drive the solution in their search for happiness they came up with the most wonderful ideas that have been healing me. I won’t stop learning listening thinking until the day I die yet my journey is continually giving me peace. I look at my friends who have had fortunate lives and they haven’t got soul…its difficult to explain… they are lovely yet they live in a different bubble and moan and bitch and feel sorry for themselves. When I talk to the ex alcoholic who used to live on the streets he’s not shallow he has no enemies he’s full of forgiving and he lives in the moment ..he’s got soul..I’ll get there one day to his depth…its like Nina Simone when she sings got no home got no food…I GOT LIFE..ah its appreciating the beauty in YOU precious beautiful wonderful you. You are enough, its like putting a beautiful flowering plant in the dark when it should be on the window sill soaking up the sun…its got life Xx You’ve got life and you are getting better Xx loving respecting looking after that precious flower. Do you like watching nice movies or watching comedy..? Do you like going to the beauticians ? Neros ...my favourite is Costa Xx Do you like magazines ? LOVE YOU Xxx I said to a friend LOve you and I said would you Love you ....yes I love you yet please would you LOVE YOU then they got it. I have a friend who said treat yourself I thought Why ? then I did ...its nice and it works a little treat a little self love ...I treat myself with nice thoughts ummmm ...Life is about to get lovelier I think and that gives me peace..when hasn’t my life got lovelier when I learn more and more to Love you Xx Chloe

Never underestimate your own importance, in the world today and in worlds to come.

I can’t even wrap my mind around it.

Truly,
  The Universe Xx

My email from Mike Dooley today !

sorry I have swamped you with so many posts I have added a new post about How to be happy copied from Aol…I just wanted to agree with Helen about meditiation ...plus remind you of the fit for life at the gym ..MEND M mind E exercise N nutrition D do it XX

6. Look after yourself
Life is no fun if you’re too ill to enjoy it. “To be happy you must never compromise your health,” says Robert Holden, co-founder of the Happiness Project. This means eating a healthy diet, regular exercise and plenty of sleep. Even better, add meditation to the list.
 

HuG XXx

Look for the hidden opportunity
The late Napoleon Hill, an American expert in positive mental attitude, said that opportunity usually comes disguised as a setback. So dig a bit deeper and find the hidden opportunity. Meditation can help.

Copied from AOl Maggie Richards

Hi Chloe/Helen,

Chloe - don’t worry about the swamping at all!  I do read everything you write!

Helen, that CBT sounds right up my street!  I am back at the GP’s next Friday to read the report she’s written for work so I will ask about it them, I am thinking of going privately as well now just because well I want things to get better for me really!  I feel like I have so much to offer and when I’m well I really am great and I enjoy life etc etc, but I’d like to just have that little bit more inner strength and faith/belief in myself so that things don’t knock me as much….I know this centres a lot around self esteem and the pressures/perfectionism etc I put myself under and I’m sure there are reasons for that but I just would like to find a strategy that works for me…not so I’m seeing rainbows and dancing through fields all the time but just to keep things on a level for me without these big crashes….that would be nice.

My mum looked at employment laws for me today which was nice and she seems to think i’m covered etc but i still feel an uncertainty about work and what will happen there…i can still feel my anxiety is high atm, but today wasn’t as bad as yesterday.  i managed to do an hours walk today as well which was good as i felt the lack of energy really hardly today.

still NOT looking foward to friday but at least i have my GPs note to go in with now, i think i just need to be honest with them and say i hope to be back, i really do but i’m not sure when this will be…feel like they are going to make me agree to a date and then i’m not gonna make it again really…i find that hard, like i’m sure it would be good for me going back but it’s the actually getting there and feeling ok with it that i am struggling with…mum is coming with me in the car though so at least if i’m upset then she can drive back etc…just have a feeling i’ll cry there really….but then i guess all of that is in my head too, like the negative thoughts around it all about how i’ve bodged it all up etc…i think they call that catatrophising! whoops!

but yes tomorrow, let’s just try and focus on that first…jobs to do, see some kitchen showrooms with mum, cook the dinner for us, prepare for work meeting, stop worrying about everything and anything and watch some TV!  it’s funny even as i was typing that my mind was kinda thinking ‘but what about everything else Sarah, you’re not well, how r u going to survive in life, pay attention to the problems…etc etc’ it’s just fear and panic about the future really…that’s what it boils down too now.

right waffling and it’s late…prob not the best thing to do before sleep!

good night,
Sarah x

Sarah Xx I used to say to my boss I would so much wanna be in a place where I am ok and return to work yet I haven’t reached that place yet and I am really working on it. I told him depression is an awful illness and the worst thing that has happened to me. I said I really would love to be happy and not feel this way and believe you me boss I am not enjoying the ride and having time off work is not like a holiday. I then said I do need to concentrate on getting better so I can return to work so I do need to go out and start having some fun so I can be restored to my former self. His wife used to take me out to cheer me up !! Nobody can help what is Sarah your doing your best under the circumstances ..you are Sarah XhugX and hiding away under the sheets worrying about what everybody was thinking made me worse. Fact is I had depression which takes a while to treat and then I became better again and fit enough to go back to work and believe you me it wasn’t as daunting as my first day at boarding school at the age of 7 !!! ha ha I did it before I can do it again. Just like your beautiful mum said Xx If a little 7 year old child can cope I can at my age. I heard of a therapy whereby people actually live out the worst and know that they survive whatever the outcome not unless somebody stabs you. I find negative thinking helped me because whatever the outcome it was never as bad as what I am capable of living in my head !!! so I come out relieved and feeling better having taken the dreadful journey to the place I don’t wanna be it sort of gives me a peace I don’t have to worry about it anymore like standing first in the queue at school to have my flu jab…it was a boarding school the queue was very long worrying about my injection was worse than the sting of the needle. I guess both approaches would work…the work up of the worry makes the injection seem less or having it over with lessens the time I might worry ha ha Xx both have their uses ....you sound better Sarah Xx Chloe

YOUR DAILY INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:

“The law of influence: The true measure of leadership is influence - nothing more, nothing less.”

—John C. Maxwell

To Your Abundance ...

Be yourself my beautiful beautiful Sarah Xx love what is Xx love what is you Xx LOVE YOU X