Sorry to post again - feel that I’m always asking for support myself - probably not the truth just how it feels tonight

Feeling down tonight and lonely - have managed to do 1700 words of 2500 words on my first essay and tomorrow is a study day - despite feeling quite physically unwell——Quite pleased with that.

Busy weekend with daughters 18th birthday celebrations which went well but when I saw myself in the photos I thought how disgusting I looked! Since being depressed have just put so much weight on!

Tonight when I wanted a bit of understanding from the family all I seemed to get was criticism…. that didn’t do much for self confidence -

GUess it all sounds stupid to you but it’s how I feel.

Sorry to be down.

Ali

Dear Ali, can I first of all congratulate you on your 1700 words for your essay and your daughter’s 18th Birthday.  You didn’t feel able to do either and ended up doing both and very well by the sound of it.  I do hope that you are patting yourself on the back for that.  That is a huge achievement and warrants a huge reward in my mind!  I really think it’s important to acknowledge our achievements Ali.  It’s good for us and it often spurs us on to do more.  We all love praise.  Self-praise is no different.  In fact I think it’s better as we get to reward ourselves with what we know we like.  I’ve said this before but my reward is a cappuccino!  Sometimes I push the boat out and have a chocolate muffin too!
I know what you mean about weight though. As I’ve said before I put on almost 4 stones when I was depressed.  The antidepressants didn’t help but I wasn’t exactly active and I was eating a lot of cakes and junk so it shouldn’t have been a surprise really.  I didn’t care for a long time but when I did I found it a hard slog to begin with but then it seemed to happen all of a sudden.  I found that hypnosis really helped me.  I didn’t feel strong enough or feel I had enough energy to stop eating and get active, but hypnosis appeals to the subconscious mind which was not wrapped up with all my negative thoughts.  There is a podcast on the site for weight loss by Marisa Peer.  I found her book very helpful too and it has an audio CD at the back to listen to.  You might not be ready right now to tackle that Ali.  You do have a lot on so don’t be too hard on yourself.
I am sorry that you’re not feeling good right now Ali but the fact that you have been able to live in a happy state before you can and will again.
Whilst we can love our families, they aren’t always the most understanding and patient are they.  We feel able to say what we feel or ‘No’ to the people we care for the most which is why families or partners can often leave us feeling low.  I prefer offloading to an objective listener/therapy/clergy so that I can get ‘stuff’ off my chest, not be judged and I can say anything I need to say and know that no one close to me will get hurt.  Often if I can’t talk to someone, I write it down, which is exactly what you’ve done so please don’t apologise for doing so.
May today be a better day Ali.  Thinking about you and sending you lots of good wishes, Helen

Hi Ali,

I too have put weight on with suffering with depression so I can totally sympathise. And considering you have been I’ll, I have to agree with Helen- doing 1700 words AND organising a birthday is amazing! I take my hat off to you! Hope you are feeling better.

Mikey

Thanks Helen.
Went to Uni and got through the day - tonight have been busy looking at work stuff. I have an observation tomorrow and I’m quite anxious about it - chairing a meeting isn’t something I’ve done and it will be hard but I think I can focus on it!

Had a sick daughter last night - surprised I don’t feel more tired tonight. First essay is complete so that is positive - now have to focus on the second one due 11th Dec! - If I can get these two essays done in time I will feel pleased with myself!

You’re right about the weight thing - if I can get my degree and qualify next year then I can focus on the weight again - I actually really enjoy being outdoors and hate the winter days and nights - but at the moment it’s study study study!!!!!

I wish I had supportive clergy to turn to - like one of the others said sadly church holds so many negatives for me and recently I was told I expected far to much from them - I don’t really feel that for a couple of people in the house group to contact me when they know I’m suffering from depression is unfair but they don’t so I’ve more or less given up with church although I do still have a faith.

Im still not convinced though I can ever be free of the depression - but maybe I will.

Thanks again for your support.

Ali