Hello

I posted briefly on here ages ago and then kind of went off the radar so hope you don’t mind me crashing in on the board.  When I last came on, I had come of the happy tabs (sertraline) and was feeling wobbly but getting there and feeling really proud of myself.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I have crashed again and have been back on the tabs for just over a month now and they are starting to take the edge off things, but I still feel very blue and a total failure.  We have had problems with my family (my sister has been having a very bad time and it has rocked my parents and I and it is just never seems to let up) and then on top of it my mum has been ill (she has lymphoma and has been having problems with blood count levels which thankful have improved but it has suddenly hit me that she has cancer).

It has all just got a bit much.  I was very active with my son’s PTA but I had issues with two other members of the committee and felt like I was being “bullied” and things were made difficult for me so I have packed it in, which has left me feeling a bit numb and also like I have lost a role in my life.  I am a stay at home with a 2 year old and I just feel lost in my life.  I have drifted from some women I knew due to children going to different schools and thus we don’t see much of each other but thankfully have made some nice friends through my son’s school.  I also feel a bit like I don’t have the energy or inclination to both to get out there either.

I just feel empty and very lonely a lot of the time.  I had started training for a marathon and the running was doing me good, but I have developed bad shin splints so it has all stopped and I am doing very little and have started putting weight back on as I eat when I get like this, which as we all know does not help but you do it anyway.  Not helped by feeling that I have failed at this!

My husband knows how I feel but for all his loveliness he doesn’t get it and thinks I can just find a solution and make myself better - I wish it was that easy.  I am sick of feeling half empty all the time as it is tiring and makes me rubbish; a rubbish mum, wife and friend.  My confidence is at an all time low and I feel crap.

Sorry for the moan but I just really need to somehow put it in words as it is slowly eating away at me.

Stephie

Hi Stephie, well it sounds like there are very valid reasons for why you are feeling depressed.  We seem to expect to cope with what life throws at us and not suffer emotionally.  We are human beings and we care and feel.  Sometimes I’m sure lots of us wish we didn’t but it is nice to feel the good feelings when they come along isn’t it.
It can really help to talk about it or write about it as you’ve done.  Would you consider taking that further and asking your GP for a referal for some talking therapy?  You’re always welcome here on the site.  I’m always amazed by the support people give to each other on the site.
It’s a shame that some bullies just don’t grow up or out of it isn’t it?  I often think that they must be very unhappy to want to make others unhappy.  I bet you were a great member of the PTA as you seem very caring and proactive.  Can you find or think of another group that you would like to be a member of?
I’ve always wanted to run a marathon and haven’t got shin splints to use as a reason for not doing it!  That’s a very valid reason for not doing one.  My brother is a marathon runner and says it’s not good for your knees.  His knees are shot!  Could you consider doing something that you enjoy as a goal?
I know that the exercise would have been helping you feel better and helping with your weight but there are other ways of dealing with that.  Maybe you’re not ready right now.  I wasn’t ready for a long time to do anything about my weight but when I was I listened to Marisa Peer’s CD for weight gain - which is on this site as a free download - I joined weight watchers and did pilates which is good for all levels of fitness and age.  It took a while but then the weight seemed to come off all of a sudden.
I really like the idea that people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime.  People come in and out of our lives all the time.  Sometimes we are sad when they go out but some come back in again or others come in as another leaves. I feel sure there will be lots of nice people coming into your life Stephie.  I also like to believe that everything happens for a reason.  It helps sometimes when things seem hard but reassures me.  Other times I have to admit it annoys me but mostly it helps!
We are all different and different things help us and appeal to us.  Have you worked out what works for you Stephie?  If you have, could you try to do more of it on a daily or weekly basis?  I believe that the little things in life make a big difference.  Just treating myself to a cappuccino lifts my spirits. 
Life as a mum is a hectic one I’m sure and there often isn’t much time for mum but if mum is happy the child picks up on those vibes and I think is more likely to be happy too.  A friend of mine jokes that you have to feed the host so that s/he can feed the parasites ( Not a nice analogy but I know what she’s getting at!).
I am sure that you are worried about your mum.  Those who are ill are often very strong and don’t see the pain that their loved ones see in them.  My sister had a great sense of humour throughout her cancer treatment and kept those around her going!  She said she was too busy getting on with getting better to worry. 
Do take care Stephie and don’t be too hard on yourself.  Thinking of you. Helen

Thank you for your lovely reply Helen - it has helped no end!  You have a wonderful kindnes in you

I am going back to my GP this week and will talk to her about some form of talking therapy, which she has asked me about and I kind of poo-pooed!  Sometimes feel that I have been there and done that, but may need to rethink this.  Also I have booked a pilates class to give me some me time and to do something “sporty”.

Other than that, it is I feel a case of finding something for me apart from being a mum and wife that will let me be “me” for a bit.  That and like you say, finding small things to find joy in!

Many thanks again

Stephie