For years and years, as far back as I can remember I’ve always been more prone to negative thinking and emotional distress than is normal. Building up the courage to consult with my local GP was only prompted a couple of years ago by a very considerate boss who took the trouble to allow me the time off work to seek help. Without the support from that person things may have got worse.

I did an 8 week course with a local counselor through the NHS and did improve a little. Was eventually referred to a paid therapist but never pursued it as I had started to feel good again and it seemed quite expensive. However I am on a downward spiral once again and it seems to be much worse than anything before. I now work as a freelancer, mostly independently at home until I can afford to rent an office - lots of phone calls and emails talking to clients, plus client meetings, quite a busy schedule to take my mind of things.

I do know my condition differs in solitude and social situations - socially I am more prone to the manic side of depression, high anxiety to the point of shaking, tightening up. Although this has improved greatly over the years as I’ve got older and I suppose more used to my condition. I’ve programmed myself to avoid getting panicky, sweating, paranoia, feeling like the smallest person in the room by shutting stuff out in public. In private I daydream endlessly, set impossible goals, ideals and look at the world as a fantasy. Then a few thoughts of suicide, how to do it in a way that’s like turning off a switch, without any pain.

Things seem to be getting worse now as I enter middle age (42, still young really). I can’t see too far into the future, maybe next week or month but no further. My work is keeping me distracted and if I didn’t have a relatively good career doing something I’ve always been good at then I’d really be in trouble. My recent attempts at a relationship have been pretty poor and a massive upheaval. I’m becoming more reclusive I think and less tolerant of even the simplest things. I think I’ve always had a fairly severe problem going right back to when I first started school. But have rarely got help - only that few weeks of therapy a couple of years ago.

I’ve never been diagnosed with anything officially but that’s due to not having the courage to confront the problem. I don’t have enough self worth or motivation to do much. Will try to force myself to walk down to the GP’s surgery but feeling like there are people with real physical conditions who are more worthy of treatment. I haven’t spoken to any friends in about 2 weeks and getting worried that the path I am taking is not a good one.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Paul, welcome to the site and thanks for your post.  The fact that you only sought help 2 years ago for a condition that you feel you’ve had for years tells me that you are strong, determined and independent but you can’t be expected to do it all on your own all of the time.  No one can.
There is a book by Dr Tim Cantopher called Depressive Illness - Curse of the Strong, in which he writes that it is the strong, caring, sensitive people who suffer depressive illness. Sometimes I wish we weren’t strong don’t you?
Thank goodness for your boss and for your job.  Gratitude is a great attitude.  I think helps our mental health and you are and openly state your gratitude for both these things.  I read a book that really helped me called, What Happy People Know in which Dr Baker stresses the importance of gratitude for recovery and health.

You seem to suggest that you feel your therapy helped you.  If you feel you would benefit from group therapy there are support groups in most towns.  Depression Alliance run free groups that are facilitated and it’s a safe space to talk about things with others and with support and input from the facilitator.  There are details of such groups on the site, in your libraries and GP surgeries.

I found these groups quite helpful and made acquaintences I felt comfortable with to meet on my own to talk.  We are all different though and I appreciate that a group environment isn’t right for everyone.

You don’t mention hobbies.  I wonder if there are things that you enjoy that you could do more of that may allay your fears about slipping into isolation.  I found a gym helpful when I felt well enough to exercise.  I also like going to the cinema with friends or out to see comedians as I find laughter a great antidote to depression even when I don’t feel like laughing.  There’s even a yoga discipline dedicated to laughter and laughter classess so other people clearly think so too.  I found environments that didn’t put pressure on me to ‘perform’ like parties, as I was prone to manic behaviour in that sort of environment, were better for me as it got me out but I could relax and enjoy it.

I also know what you mean about not planning or being able to see too far ahead and about seeing suicide as ‘a way out’ if all else fails.  In a peverse way I used to find that reassuring with the thought that ‘Well if this doesn’t work I can kill myself’.  It did get me through stuff.  But I told myself that I owed it to myself to try everything before I would contemplate that.  I have spoken to others who have ‘used’ it in the same way.  A lot of the time we feel we have to find our own coping strategies and they can serve us well for a long time but it may be helpful and you deserve to get some support from someone who could hopefully help you not have to rely on that thought as yours and give you some better coping strategies that you feel comfortable with.

When I finally accepted therapy, I thought about how I wouldn’t dream of doing my own accounts, I go to an accountant so why was I trying to sort out my mental health when I’m not a psychologist. It helped me to get help and now I am so pleased I did.

You seem to even have been able to pinpoint when you started to feel depressed which is brilliant and I would think will give you a head start if you do seek some support.  You deserve it and just think how your life could be if you do .  You could enjoy it.

I know that you say that you fantasise about life and I have to admit that I kind of like escaping in my mind every now and then to ‘planet Helen’ but have you ever taken the time to think about your ideal day from start to finish? I heard that suggestion once from a famous psychiatrist and found it a very interesting experiment as have lots of people.  It may be worth a try if you feel like trying it.
Take care and we are always here.  I am always amazed and touched by some of the amazing support, empathy and advice people give each other here.  Best wishes, Helen

Hi Paul

  I too am new to this site and to owning up to this dreaded illness really albeit it only to myself truly. I read your post and it really as was Helens story like reading about my own life.

I have found it amazing how many people feel the same, when at times you think you are so alone.
Your statement “feels like I am heading nowhere fast” is something I would say! However I also think well “where do we want to be”?

The thing I try and keep in my mind is something that I read ” We can not always be happy but if we are content then thats something”! I think the gratitude theory is a good place to start, I always keep thinking   what I have got not what you have not. It sounds to me that you are a very bright articulate man and very good at what you do. As for relationships and friends The people that stick around and keep us going are the ones that are worth having, but you too also have to make the effort too as I know that sometimes they too can also be fighting there own demons and struggling too!

I know what you mean about not wanting to do things and the fact that you work from home is difficult as you do not have to go out. However I know that interaction with others is the thing that keeps me ” afloat”.

I have 2 dogs that I adore and they keep me talking when there is noone else to talk to. I have a little scruffy one which I would not be with out as she follows me everywhere and I talk to here about absolute rubish but she does me the world of good. I take them walks and very often get talking to other dog walkers which is really good as we have coomon ground. So find things that give you a common ground. Exercise is a great one too, I find something with music like Zumba and aquafit really lifts my mood. What about music with you? Blast it out and sing to the top of your head while hoovering or something?

The main thing to keep in mind is to do things that make you feel better. This episode has really taught me that I want to win this battle and I am going to go to counselling, groups and do whatever it takes as I am sure it will be worth it as we too are worth it.

Do not think you are alone, you really are not keep riding the waves and keeping up the good fight.

All the best

Jackie