Okay, I will admit it, the tears, the feelings of despair, and I’m feeling myself shutting down more and more as my husband continues to battle this latest bout a year on.  My scrappy/fighting attitude is starting to desert me!  He has been analysed by a psychatrist now and she’s found that he’s depressed has avoidant and dependent personality disorders and is now going (she doesn’t believe in labelling, though he loves it!) to work on a therapy and medication plan for him.  I was hoping this would make him feel a little more positive, it hasn’t. ‘Great’ I say ‘finally you’re getting some help.’  ‘Maybe she’ll be able to help.’  Totally defeatist.  I guess that is part of the depression?

Anyway, I feel like a complete bitch now saying this, but I wonder if it is just me… I have always firmly believed marriage is forever, kids from broken homes don’t do as well as ones from secure family units… but I really don’t know how much longer I can go on living in such misery.  I feel trapped because a) I have young kids, and feel there is a big social stigma attached to divorce still and b) How on earth can you kick a man when he is so down?  Our marriage vows said ‘in sickness and in health’.  But I have really started to imagine a life without him.  Feeling relief and control when I do so.  How bad is that?  I’ve decided to myself to give his therapies and meds 6 months to work and reassess the situation.  I’ve had ‘helpful’ friends suggest marriage counselling.  Marriage counsellling?  My husband does not think of anyone or anything but himself at the moment and the problems we are encountering are because of his head.  Making him focus on our marriage would tip him over the edge.

Sorry for venting, but I feel very bad for even having these thoughts, yet strangely relieved .......

Dear Scrappy Doo, I hear carers describe their role as fighters.  That’s a terrible role to have to assume.  Goodness knows it’s a life saving role and I think it’s no wonder that carers end up on the edge themselves.  I know you say that couple counselling would push your husband over the edge but you have to think about yourself too.  Have you asked for counselling for yourself or have you thought about and would you like to go along to a carers group yourself?  Many carers I know find it a very helpful outlet to talk to others, share experiences and get stuff out in the open and be honest with one another. There are many more carers groups now than a few years ago. Often if carers can’t find a group they set one up on their own so do look in local papers, on the internet, in your local GP surgery or library if you think you might be interested.

I think giving yourself a time frame of 6 months is a good idea.  It gives you a date to work towards, you’re being fair in allowing the new treatment to take effect and you are taking control which is very empowering.

Can I ask if your husband is a good father to your children or even too wrapped up in himself for that?  I know you said that you don’t think children from broken homes do as well but they also pick up on poor/sick home environments and learned behaviour.
Thinking of you Scrappy Doo.  I wish you didn’t have to feel that you were fighting.  Your spirit and body would do with a recharge.  There are some very good audio CDs that can help with this and I can’t emphasise enough trying to do a little bit of what you like for you every day.  Again mine’s a cappuccino and it makes a big difference to my life.  What’s yours?  There was an author being interviewed on the radio about his new book ‘Embracing the ordinary’ and how pursuit of the impossible makes us unhappy.  I’m a big believer in that.  The little things in life can make a huge difference.
You take care and keep in touch.  Helen

You know what, I know that depression is a terrible thing and not just for those suffering it but i do think that at some point an element of self pity comes into it and at that time (though I’m sure it’s not easy to judge) it might not be a bad thing to give the depressed person a nudge and remind them that they have others to consider and for the sake of everyone you might not be able to be around if things don’t change.
You’ve been round your husband and his depression a long time so maybe you know if it’s really bad and to talk about that would push him over the edge or indeed help him by making him realise the consequences and giving him something else to think about rather than himself and how bad he’s feeling.
I would hope that if he thinks it’s a possibility of losing you and his kids he might do something about it and be more proactive and recovering.
You do have to think about the kids and yourself here too.
I am thinking of you Scrappy Doo and wish you weren’t having to fight all the time.  Will