Hi I am new to this site and am not sure what help it will provide, I have been with my husband 20 years and during this time he has always had very dark bouts of depression, when not depressed he is the most amazing friend /person I know, i had thought that those days were finally behind us and he has been mostly well for around 5 years, we decided to have a baby now that he was well and all through my pregnancy he was amazing unfortunately since our baby has been born his depression has returned and he goes from being verbally aggressive to the point of screaming in my face while i was changing baby to spitting at me and screaming offensive remarks about how i look or act, i have been diagnosed with Graves decease since the birth of our child and had to stop work until the medication could get me back to normal and although we had always planned for me to stay at home with the baby after only 2 months things are too difficult and I am back looking for work, my husband shouts at me about me not working and not paying my way and then last night our baby was having a difficult time settling (not sure if she sensed he was not in good mood) but she was crying and he went off screaming and punching things (thank god she was not in the room but i dont think it would have stopped him if she was) i settled baby but could hear him still raving so she could to0) i told him to get out and go for walk or do something but take it away from baby he refused and started telling me to move out and get out of our room etc.  i ignored him and went to bed i have been though this with him before and moved out etc but i am so tired of it and now i dont know if I can be his carer and do the best for our child, am i abusing her by staying, he loves her and when well comes in and spends time with her feeds her and they have a great relationship but this morning he wont even look at her.  i love my husband but its my job to put our child first any advise would be appreciated, he has been in therapy but stopped recently and is on his medication still.  three months ago he took an overdose while i was away i am lost as to what to do now as its not just us

Dear HappyPink, what a difficult situation. You both should be enjoying your healthy little girl.  You both deserve that especially after all you’ve been through together and stuck together through to get here.
It is such a shame that it’s being tainted by your husband’s depression.  I work quite closely with a group called Fathers Reaching Out for fathers struggling with fatherhood but I’m not sure if your husband would be willing to reach out for that kind of help.  It sounds like he could do with some rather than externalising it in anger in front of and against those he loves.
It could be guilt for his unacceptable outbursts that is stopping him from looking at his daughter at the moment.
Maybe the extra pressure of supporting a child has sparked his depression?  This could be why he’s always talking about you going back to work. I know many men who felt this when they start a family.  Could he consider going back to his GP and asking for some talking therapy for this?  There is a way out of this other than the way he seems to be thinking of.
As for you being a carer and mother, you need to nurture yourself to be able to look after your daughter and your husband so please do take care of yourself and do what’s right for you.
I do hope you’re feeling better with your condition.  It must be very draining as indeed motherhood is anyway.  If you feel like you could benefit from some talking therapy do go to the doctor yourself.  We are always here.
Thinking of you.  Helen

Dear HappyPink, this is a reply to your post from a female carer who cares for her husband who suffers from depression and has children. She sent her reply to me by email so here it is:

I would advise that the illness is not currently being managed effectively and the child is always the most important person in the situation. If the carer is not coping the cared for won’t either.
Practical step one ... go to the GP and tell them everything ... take their advice,
When a person is being that abusive you must remove youself from the situation while they are abusive.
Do not bit back this is what they need to try to relieve their frustration.
If you have been together for twenty years you must obviously love him very much and vice versa.
Speak to him when he is calm and try to agree to go to the GP.
If he has a psychiatirst book an urgent appointment for the two of you to speak openly, if he hears how he has been it can sometimes help but only around professionals.
Contact rethink for a support worker they are amazing.
Try to recognise what is the illness and what is a tantrum, address the hurtful behaviour at a later date when calm.
Do not try to do this all on your own, you will become too ill !
Stay in touch !
Get out and to healthy enviroments when you can !
We understand and we care, remember you are not alone!
If you feel it right to do so, you can go to the police explain the situation and the illness and have you logged as vulnerable just incase you ever need them and then they would know how to deal with any situation that arose this can help you feel protected and remain in control helping you panic less.
xxx Big Hugs !

Dear Happy Pink, you don’t sound and can’t be feeling very happy or pink at the moment.  Having suffered from depression and losing my temper and taking it out on others and feeling guilty, I think your husband could be feeling guilty too.  That doesn’t excuse his behaviour.  We just aren’t very good at handling it or knowing what to do with it and in men everything negative tends to be manifested in anger.  I found talking to my best mate in the pub a help.  There are mens groups now and some are held in pubs.  I am sure that once you start enquiring or talking about it you’ll find out where they are.  I used to feel that talking about it to someone I trusted helped, it got me out of the environment that I was stressed about for a while and allowed me to look at myself and what I was doing.  I used to shout a lot too and say not very nice things and obviously wish I hadn’t.  Do take care and look after yourself as at the moment your husband, who is supposed to be doing that, isn’t able to focus on anything else but himself and he’ll probably be feeling guilty about that too, I know I did. Will

Thank you for responses and i try not to get down or take things personally but sometimes I do wonder if he would be better without me around, possibly i am the problem as i am the constant in his life, i know the illness stems from his childhood but although we dont have money due to me stopping work for the baby (now looking again) we have a lot to be happy about.  if he feels bad or guilty for treating us so badly and ignoring not just me but our baby why can he not say to himself ok i had a slip i need to apologise go back to the therapy sessions/get meds adjusted and make better instead of dragging it on making our lives unhappy.  i hate the way he can just walk passed the baby as if she does not exist, its cruel and selfish.  i am not sure if i have the right to allow him to mentally harm her, she will end up with issues if he can not control and self assess his mental health, he needs to be trying and not just giving in to the illness.  sorry if this sounds harsh but i talk myself into its the illness he does not mean it but he knows he does this and i as an adult can choose but she needs me to make the right choices for her and i am not sure what that choice is.  she will loose out if she grows up without him as when he is well he is the best but ill i drains your own self worth going through it with him.  i am an adult and it breaks my heart when he treats me like this she is a child and her feelings will be hurt again and again by him if we stay.

Good evening Happy Pink.  I do hope you’re ok.  You are very brave and a lovely person, mother and partner. 
The carer who sent you the reply via mia before read your reply and asked me to post this to you:

Reading this her real self has made a decision a hard decision but still it seems to be the one for her.
If she really means it she needs to know there would be no going back and it is meant, not just an ultimatum.

I would suggest she reads what she has put and makes a decision.
I wish her the very best either way is tough, but her and her daughter do have the right to a stable happy life.
One thing I would say is that an illness like that is all consuming, destroying to the person with it when it is not controlled and does not make sense ! It is the puzzle that usually takes along time to do but still has one piece missing.

xxxx

Thank you Helen for your kind words, and also to the lady and Will who have sent advice and responses, unfortunately though no i have not yet made a decision, i feel i should go but after twenty years of caring and loving someone and seeing what a wonderful person they could be if they could just get well, i see glimpses of my very special husband sometimes long enough glimpses for me to start to hope but as many people say you can not take words and actions that hurt away, a sorry does not repair the broken heart that breaks a wee bit more each time i am the verbal punchbag.  i love my husband more than i can put in to words but I am hurt and now on top i am scared that our daughter will be hurt as i am.  i am looking for answers as to how i can stay and continue to love and support my husband but protect our precious baby from any hurt.  its hurt from childhood which has caused this for my husband, my husband has hurt me deeply this time and i cant see a way forward to helping him as he has a supportive employer who pay for his therapy and also allow him time off to get well, he is working part time still following his breakdown they are there if he needs to talk i am there i dont know how we can get him to take the opportunity to get well once and for all, its not often that someone has this much support and supporters behind there fight with this illness, he needs to grab it with both hands but its like he got so far and then got scared and stopped trying he stopped running with work he started drinking and cutting himself off, it seems the trigger was financial worry but who has not got them.  Will you have obviously been where my husband is did you do things that you knew would harm and push your partner away or your children, is it hurting him as much as us or is he empty of feeling its so hard to understand even after all this time.  its a horrible illness and i just feel lost and tired and angry.

Dear Happy Pink so sorry for such late reply.  I don’t get on my computer often.  I would say that I didn’t think about much other than myself.  I didn’t even think about others hurting.  I was so wrapped up with feeling bad and sorry for myself.  It was when I started to feel better that I realised how much I’d hurt everyone.  That hurt ranged from people being worried about me to being hurt by my outbursts, my stubborness and my apparent refusal to help myself.  I just used to sit in front of the TV all day either in bed or downstairs.  If my partner hadn’t been there to cook for me I wouldn’t have bothered eating.  My children were probably neglected but they don’t live with me and only saw it every other weekend.  My partner is very good with them and protected them from my selfishness.  Recovery can only come from the person themselves.  I didn’t feel I had it in me to get better, I really didn’t.  I didn’t think anyone else could know or understand.  It’s a terrible and selfish and all encompassing illness.  I wonder how I would have reacted if my partner had said she was leaving.  I would probably have thought I deserved it.  I’m not sure.  I would have been upset.  I don’t even know if I would have been devastated because I didn’t feel anything when I was ill.  I felt that my feelings had left when the illness descended.  While I don’t think I tried to push my partner away I certainly didn’t make any effort to be nice to her or convince her it was worth staying.  Not sure if that helps but I am thinking about you and your daughter and your husband.  As you say he’s a good person changed by depression.  I hope something happens soon to make him want to get better and see that he can and make an effort to get better and of course get better.  Will