I have only just crawled out of bed - I really hate myself for that. I have never laid in bed.

One major concern I have with this illness is do I actually want to beat it - the obvious answer is yes. But I mean do I REALLY want to beat it?

I don’t actually feel like I can say hand on heart that I do. I don’t know why - I’ve always been strong willed but this does seem the have the better of me.

I can’t even be bothered to shower. I think I’m resigned to it today. No amount of drugs is going to beat this unless I can’t find the will myself. Maybe it will lift tomorrow and I’ll feel more like it. The trouble is I think there is such a big part of me that doesn’t want to face work so how on earth do I get better when I have to put myself in a position that brings me so far down?

I give up today - x

You know what Steve, depression is hard enough without putting any more stress and pressure on yourself.  Do you think that your work has contributed to how you are feeling?  If you do, although you may not feel strong enough to deal with it or indeed anything right now, when you do, you know what the cause is and that is half the battle.  You can get help with how to deal with it.  You probably feel trapped with your business and powerless to do anything about it.  The mortgage and family bills are not going to disappear and you probably feel you need to keep slogging to the business to keep things afloat.
Your body may just need time to repair itself.  It sounds like your mind and body have been racing for a long time.  If it were up to your head you would keep thrashing away so your body has taken that option away from you and won’t let you get out of bed.  Maybe you should listen to it for a while if you can rely on people at work to keep things ticking along.  Try to limit your worrying to a couple hours a day.  You be in charge and allocate that time to worrying about your situation if you must worry about it.  It doesn’t deserve any more than that and you are most certainly coming up with the same gloomy scenarios, outcomes and answers every time. If you give your head a rest and distract your mind, and try to come back to it when you are feeling a bit better, you may come up with a better and more helpful solution.  Take care, Helen

I think work was the final straw which kicked this all off but i’m sure it’s been coming for years - my low self esteem and value is rock bottom and I genuinely believe that despite all that I have achieved in 18 years of business i am talentless and at age 43 am going to end up on the scrap heap.

I’m not convinced the tablets make any difference really - I just think I have become an un-happy sole over a long period of time and it’s up to me to fight back but it seems like an impossible task right now.

I’m going to MIND on Thursday and they have also offered group therapy - which I initially said no to but maybe I need to be more open minded. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this - in fact I wont live it like this.

Why can’t I just be happy - I just don’t get it. I’m getting increasingly screwed up by this - never been one to be patient at the best of times.

Sorry this is a really moan, moan, moan one. Had enough today.

Go for it! What have you really got to lose?  You are a nice person and you don’t give yourself any credit at all.  Why are you so hard on yourself? What evidence, REAL evidence have you got???n
Stop being so hard on yourself Steve.  You’re a nice person.  Give yourself a chance. Snoopxxx

Steve,

i am writing because your FEELINGS/SCENARIO ARE EXACTLY as mine it came a s a shock to read them it sounds identical excelt i have 5 more years on top!! i recently joined the site and on the day i did i felt great and could walk through walls smiling then come black cloud days when basicaly i get afraid to sleep because i don’t want to wake up!!! 5.00am to 11.00am are absolute hellish for me amlost the S word if you know what i mean, i have been getting worse for 10 years and now feel as though i am on scrap heap in a job that pays yet i feel unhappy and unfulfilled yet scared of the current climate I have three great kids who are my reason for going on and today i have arranged to meet the Doctor on Monday and will lay my feelings on the table as I probaly should have dome ages ago. do the same I urge you even making the appointment I was able to shower shave and dress smar casual which made me feel miles better. its not a cure but its a box ticked.
part of my fear is when are we sure we are better is it drugs and talking and at what stage do we feel able to pick up. my guess is like a recovering alcoholic you need little steps and often to get there, and do something you want to do, remmebre you never have to do anything you do not want to, make sure you laugh and love in equal measure. easier said than done i was in tears on my own less that 90 minutes ago and got myself on here to wake the real me up not the imposter. ( LOL i will callimng for exorcisim next!!) talk and book that appointment I urge you please then we can at least compare notes!! sneaky huh but may be prove useful.

Alan

Hi Alan, that made me laugh out loud!  Wise words.  Crafty (in the nicest possible way of course!) but wise.  How do depressed people get to be so wise?  Good luck on Monday Alan. Helen

Hi Alan
I had an early night last night - about 8.30 as I felt so drained and odd. I’m not convinced my tablets work but then I am a lot better than I was and I guess tablets can’t cure all. I woke at 5 this morning and instantly the jitters and shakes start. I have to go and see a client today and that on top of a massive tax bill that I foolishly hadn’t anticipated seem to have tipped me over again.

I don’t know why but my confidence has virtually disappeared - I seem to get in a flap over the slightest thing - even things that you can’t get in a flap about. I’m starting to lose faith that I will ever get through this and being self employed the mental pressure of the climate makes me physically hurt.

I don’t want to lose our home but I do wonder just how long we can keep going - it’s to easy for people to say ‘it’s just a home’ and ‘as long as you have your health!’ I worked my backside into the ground to renovate our home and this is where our children call home. Yes they would get over it but I don’t think I would.

A few years ago I was as strong as an ox and had the fight in me but life changed and we got hit constantly by bad news and tragedy and it just isn’t in me anymore. I just want to enjoy what I have with my family but my mental state and anxiety is going to destroy me if it carries on. I will try and dig deep today Alan and when I get home tonight I’ll make sure I play with my children - even though that seems hard in itself right now.

I hope you have a good day - let me know and I’ll catch up later today.

Steve

Thanks Helen crafty moi??????????

Steve

i have been re reading your threads and its like a mirror i am so glad to have found someone elese, ( I mean that in the nicest way of course) that has identical symptoms, any way i went to the Docs in 2 feet of snow and arrived looking like…and feeling like a yeti!

mumbeled my way thgrough arranging a repeat prescription for my other half when he said and the real reason you are here would be??????????? and out it all came, ...so ten days worth of pills a second appointment in 10 days and a questionaire.  so lets see , i left back into the blizzard but felt great having even just talked it out so lets wait and see.

my main worry is my total lack of self confidence when but a few months back i could walk through walls and display confidence to the outside world, i have always not felt confident but have acted as i though i do. an old mentor of mine suggest i should have been an actor. i said what to be or not to be…..but thats illogical surely

i have decided to set three self confident tasks each day (including using spell check!!) whether that be cllling the client i have been chasing yet afraid to hear no thanks as a result, but gey its best to know, and remember not everyone can like us or buy from us, so is it not better to know that display kindness and profesional exterior and just arrange ti stay in touch which will either way P them off or wear them down, you get more flies with honey than vinigar so whats to lose!! at least you will know, and do the best you can with what you can, kill em with kindness and never let anyone elses unprofesionalism affect your own ok!!

one step at a time one task at a time and you will like me feel better no matter how small the task its a box ticked and one step forward, Steve just try no matter how mundane like booking a car MOT or moving a building society to an account that pays more than 0.5% interest..eek and of course some work tasks call client send info pack eshott or mail etc and each one will lift you, got my daughters school tracking today its 100% up on last year and she really is making an effort so i owe it to her to be there fand be upbeat and not pass this contagion of woe is me on. easier said than done i agree.

will keep u up to date on the pills as i progress took first one at the beginning of this….........are my palms usually hairy? hmmmmmmmmmm

Hi Alan

Good for you - you made a positive step too - you may be aware already but the tablets can take weeks to have an affect/effect and they may not even work at all this time but another type may work - so maybe don’t be as impatient as I am/was.

Can I ask what line of business you’re in? Mine is graphics/marketing - really finding it hard to gain any momentum right now but we did get out for a family lunch yesterday and I washed the cars - then I got dragged out to build the world’s biggest snowman tonight.

I’m really struggling with shaky hands right now and an incredible fear of failure. Perhaps like you I have always tried to show the strong, confident character but now i’m so washed up.

I foolishly managed to get up ok this morning but then laid on the settee again with a throw pulled over me. Sure enough I slept for another hour or so then felt an overwhelming fear of getting up. I find the power of depression quite amazing. It just shows the power of the brain, that when used in a negative format it is able to put you into such a deep, dark corner, then batter everything thing that you believe in right out of you! Equally when we can put it together we are untouchable!!!

I’m going to try and chill tonight - not sure how yet but i’ll try.

Have a good one Alan and thanks for taking the time to reply.

Steve

Steve,

yes the doc did say but he feels confident these will work seratonin is the brand name. and i feel i have nothing to lose.
Now I spent most of my working life in Hotels as Manager and corporate office before redundancy from Marriott in 2003, that hurt as they had asked us to relocate to Ireland from London and were starting that process glad we did not!! I am now in hospitality recruitment….now that is enough to get anyone depressed clinical or otherwise!! we did own our own Hotel in the Scottish Highland’s which we sold ( at the right time) in 2007 and i went back to recruitment kind of self employed as part of a smaller network, but its tough and my confidence went some months back so i find it all scary and feel vulnerable and threatened all the time, usually wake at 5.00am if i get up i have learnt going back to bed or sleep is the worst thing you could do thats when my anxiety kicks in even very dark thoughts and it is horrible. so i say get up shovel snow walk a dog or simply walk and exercise when the neighbourhood is your own, again easier said than done on these pleasant mornings, have three feet of snow near Edinburgh here today looks pretty…..have told the family we should get the xmas tree form loft and wrap up all presents again and start the year all over again… gotta keep some humour in this climate.

I have looked at your website seems impressive and i am guessing you are very like me in that i push myself and beat myself up badly if i dont get the results i think i should. some say that is why one can be successful but eventually that will catch up with you as i fear it has for me and for you, family is the first thing you need to focus on and learning to relax whilst let the medication work and it sounds like you may be subconsciously fighting it or like me waiting for the side effects. i say as i said earlier bite size chunk’s in everything start with family your exercise regime and play then a couple of work items if it things at work don’t work often its us getting upset over things we can not influence, bit like moaning about the snow there is precious little we can do i have quickly realised that and although able to pass that advice on I am the worst at acting on it for myself so I am hoping the meds help in some way, by cutting the anxiety over things i can not change?

so how is business, are you like me imagining the worst long before it has manifested itself?? thats what im doing i just see the dark side…..all the time even without Darth sombody or other! it has to stop i am trying and I hope you can as well, little things throw me of kilter into a spiral of despair, IE car not starting or Broadband wireless signal goes I immediatlyu start the internal wailing why me why me!! it is a killer that thought and needs banishing, you have started that business so I know you are capable of doing just that my friend, one day we will look back and smile at this I promise you that, now seek the family and kids and enjoy their time and make it yours as well, it will make a difference I gtd you that.

it will help me if i know someone is doing the same kinda makes me fell less likely to sit weeping on the bathroom floor I was almost there again this morning I promise you that. good luck tonight and keep wrinting these down it helps to get it out of the head and into the web so to speak

cheers yours as aye
Alan

Still not sure what you do ‘hospitality recruitment’? I also have a publication called HI http://www.hospitality-interiors.com .

Yes I do fear the worst - so much so that I rarely have positive thoughts - it’s self perpetuating isn’t it. My business partner who is 20 years older than myself is the eternal optimist, how I wish I could have his attitude. When I am focused and on fire no one can beat me and I will stick at a task until it is unrivaled.

You say you sold your hotel at the right time well we probably bought at the wrong time last year! I spent most weekends in the Lake District renovating a holiday let   http://www.mrharvisons.co.uk/  boy we really clocked up the hours creating Mr Harvisons. And now i’m simply a shadow of my former self in terms of motivation and self belief.

Yes I agree going back to bed is the last thing to do but it does seem to have the better of me again right now. I also used to run a lot - took part in the aborted OMM (Original Mountain Marathon) last year but haven’t run since - I think it was the weeks preceding the event when it started.

I know i’ll get it back one day it’s just how much damage will be done before I get back there. I too like a tear in the shower, that’s where I do my thinking or dig myself a hole for the day.

I would really like some time out - and if I was employed I would do just that - my head needs mending and my heart needs healing. I’m trying to think of positive things in my life and i’m going to write them down and read them out in the mornings until they sink in. God knows there are so many others in a far, far worse situation than mine - it’s not that easy though is it? I’m also finding my snap point is very low at the moment and I’m so determined this will not affect my children but it’s so hard at times not to shout at them when they are simply playing and having fun. Depression shows no sympathy or compassion - so I am learning.

We have only been to Edinburgh once - it is a most beautiful city. No doubt it has it’s dark areas like all cities but I found the people very warm and genuine to - even though we are the foe! Hope the snow stays pretty - we did the giant snowman tonight, simple kiddie fun.

Regards

Steve

Sorry Steve

i recruit management for the hotel and hospitality industry…and headhunting.
imagine the stress i live in fear day to day waiting for the business to collapse feeding of scraps…but there are some signs thigs will get better i believe we are in the eye of the storm as regards the downturn,  so its keeping head up on a daily basis, i had a bad yesterday tho but back on self help today and third day of pills thus far!!!!

chat soon

alan