Kayfer Xx I am concerned you mentioned something about changing the dose of your drugs. Have you started that yet. I am really concerned. Sorry to nag gorgeous, I just remember Helen talking to another member about reducing her dose and Helen herself being poorly. I have always found the best advice i ever give myself or anybody is ask the professionals, doctors, psychiatrists first. They are trained about all the ins and outs and perhaps not have the time to explain the whole picture of what drugs do to us because they have so many patients clients to see. The brain is finely tuned with chemicals and synases and the like you might need to be on them longer or not. The doctors understand and are there as a service to us so that we don’t have to go to college for years and learn for ourselves, so use them beautiful friend. Have you talked to the people on this website Xx i have read about them and they are really highly trained and great experts and they may be able to help. Hang in there babe Xx stay strong Xx

Hi Chloe
How are you?

Yes I have decided to wean myself off them by having one on alternate days for two weeks then one every other day for the last two weeks, I was advised to do this last year by my dr when I wanted to come off them so im sure its safe to do the same this year, Ive only been on them a month, I just dont want to become dependent on them when there are plenty of other ways I can get help etc. I can also do without the horrid side effects too. Thank you for your concern though - I am going to see the dr in the week and mention what im doing, but they wont change my mind, Im not happy taking them and never have been so thats enough for me to not take them if that makes sense. Im going to look at alternative medicine, something herbal and perhaps I shall give Reiki or Kinisiology a go, not sure what that is but Im going to look into it.

On the positive I have been and enjoyed that intro to personal development course today and ive signed up for four evening sessions about coping with change, whats holding you back, believing in yourself and dealing with stress and only cost £10 each which is great, the ladies who run it are lovely too. Oh and I was lucky enough to sit next to two lovely women about my age and they both gave me their number so I can ring and go round for coffee, they only live round the corner from me. I was able to open up about how depressed Ive been which I never normally do with people I know so that was liberating and i honestly feel the depression has lifted since coming home, I even managed to have a laugh, something ive not done in weeks.  I now have a headache though and am abit tired but I feel more positive than I have done in ages, also one of the women who runs it has offered me a free one to one session next week, how good is that, it was so lovely of her, I feel very lucky today and am so glad I pushed myself to go as I really have brought something good away from it and am really looking forward to my first session next month.  and seeing more of my new friends, one of which suffers from anxiety and she’s had loads of counselling but its still holding her back. I would never have guessed though, she looked really confident.

Back to the tablets Chloe, I wouldnt do anything that would be detrimental to my health, like I say I will see my dr in the week and see what she says, but im sure it cant harm me coming off them slowly, yeah if I came off them altogether then that would be a worry.

My goal now is to get rid myself of depression, which I really believe is on its way out at last and then to work on improving my damaged self esteem and confidence and I now have the support and resources to do that, its onwards and upwards for me now.  I have to change and not be afraid of it, people may not like the new me but thats their problem.

I am going to keep all my options open and talk to you on here, I love coming on here, it really does help and again I want to say a massive thank you to you Chloe for really talking sense to me and making me laugh on my darkest days, you are an inspiration.

Hello Kayfer, how are you? Are you noticing any difference after you started cutting down on your medicine? I’m not saying you shouldn’t do this cos I understand exactly how you feel about taking medicine and if you can do without it, it’s so much better, but like Chloe said, don’t rush it, although I’m sure you won’t.

How old is your little one? Did your friends come to visit? Have you had a BBQ yet? The weather isn’t bad this weekend (at least not around here), so a BBQ isn’t out of the question.

Not much planned for this weekend for me, just the usual exercise, a bit of house work/chores etc. My wife has gone down to London to visit a friend who has come over from Japan, so I’ve got the house to myself for a couple of days, which I must say I enjoy (it’s OK, my wife knows I enjoy time to myself, it’s no big secret. Who doesn’t enjoy it?).

Well, I hope you are OK and having a good weekend.

Hi Brencoot

Hows your week been?  Ooh enjoy your weekend to yourself, I kinda like that too, infact my hubby is going to Italy next week for 3 days, I do miss him but I also enjoy having the bed to myself and eating what I want, that sort of thing.  I wouldnt like him to go away too often though, once in a blue moon is ok.

I am feeling better today, but I have been on the personal development course so that has made me feel more positive about things and it was great meeting new people, it was just the tonic I needed, also its been gorgeous weather. Having a bbq may be out the question as hubby has been busy all day pulling the old soffits and guttering down and replacing with new and also moved everything out the lean to ready for the extension, so we are in abit of a mess but if its nice Sunday we may just fit a bbq in for us 3. We will ask our two friends if they want to come over tomorrow night, if hubby isnt too tired after his busy day.  Its all go for us now and I am so pleased the fridge/freezer are now in the kitchen and not lean to, it was a right pain having to go in there each time I needed something, thank god I dont have to do that anymore, the depression is definitely lifting, I can feel it leaving me and I am just so grateful to be feeling more my usual self bit by bit.  I just feel so much happier today, I am so glad I went to that group, its brought me out of myself abit.

So having said all that I do feel fine about slowly coming off the tablets, I know a friend of mine and sister wouldnt be too happy though but hey it is my body and decision and I like to think I know whats best for me. The tablets did help in the way I wasnt crying anymore but I felt totally numb and I cant stand feeling like that and funnily enough since cutting them down I dont feel quite so numb now, im also waking up with slight headachey feeling each day which must be a side effect as I never get headaches normally.  I just want to feel back to my energetic cheery self again and I will do before long, if it means I have to go jogging every day then thats what I’ll do to get the happy hormones racing, anything other than the anti d’s. Hope I havent gone on too much about this.

Well im now going to have a look at alternative therapies, see what I can try.

Thanks for asking about me Brencoot, it was lovely to hear from you, have a lovely weekend.

oh wow, Chloe Ive just read that your a hypnotherapist, that is great - well done you. How long have you done that for, funnily enough it crossed my mind the other day about what you do and I meant to ask but Ive now found out, Id love to do something like that one day, I hope I get the confidence enough to help others as Im sure thats something I should be doing.  Infact I had my fortune told years ago by Derek Acora, he read my palm and said I would marry someone with the initial M, would have a boy and girl and would travel alot and also find a career whereby Id be helping someone and Ive just remembered you saying a while back that one day I may end up being a therapist - ummm an interesting thought, perhaps thats it - my calling so to speak - my goal is to work out what im on this earth for other than getting married and having a child, I need to unlock the potential inside me as im sure its there somewhere.

Have a great weekend Chloe - your worth your weight in gold. Oh yeah I forgot to say the marrying someone with the initial M, having a boy and travelling all came true - just got to have a girl and help others now. 

Brencoot I forgot to say how old my little boy is - he is two November 25 and gorgeous with it, he is such a lovely little boy, I am sooo proud of him, we both are. I could go on about him all night - he is so bright and knows his numbers, can do puzzles really quick and does this funny thing where he spins round with a right cheeky look on his face, making me smile just thinking of that. I cant believe how blessed we are - wonder if I will have another baby, oooh - not sure about the birth part of it though, now that was painful.

right enough of going on, im off to bed, its half ten, need my beauty sleep, night all. x thanks for asking, its good to get the opportunity to talk about him.

Its time I let it out as had enough of this now (im thinking of it as a practice before my counselling) - ive held too much in for far too long and Im bloody angry about my whole life, i am past caring now and sorry about what im going to type but it may just do me abit of good to get it out.

my mum for a start - why didnt she want me, and then to rub it in by having another baby (whom she kept) while i was still living with her mum - I am sooo angry with her not just for giving me up after giving birth to me but not even bothering to f…....g visit when I was growing up, I remember her coming to my 6th birthday and that is all.

what did i do to deserve such s…...t she has always favoured my other sisters over me, how horrible can someone get, its just not right - or perhaps it just seemed that way, who knows, I dont know my own mind sometimes.

oh and then when I do go live with her at 7 she uses me as a home help come nanny when I had needs too but they just got ignored (oh but dont worry mum, Id just lost my grandma of course you didnt give a thought that I may have been grieving at 7) and yes I realise you were grieving too but I still am now for not having the mum I longed for - im sure my mum didnt want me as I remember I was always at some aunts for the weekend, what was so bad about me that she couldnt stand having me at home with her - i just dont understand it at all.

All i wanted was to be loved for who I was and not for the housework I did or the babysitting for my sisters or helping out with mums business. I am angry as its left me as a depressed insecure very low person - so my childhood was pants and now my adult life isnt much better either, great

Well thank you very much mum for nothing really and when I do try to talk you got all aggressive with me 5 years ago, very f ........ g helpful NOT.

Is there any wonder im suffering though after holding all this rubbish inside me for too long, you’ve never once encouraged me to talk about how I feel about it all.  My sisters have grown up to be well adjusted and happy - it all seems so unfair, my dad never had ought to do with me either - why I bother with him now is beyond me, he has two well turned out happy kids too, why is it just me out of all my family that seems to be suffering and not just this year but every year I have a depression, (when I tried talking to mum she asked ‘what have you got to be depressed about?’ I never tell her now.

Im not sure how im supposed to live with this - Im supposed to be happy for once in my life, ive done something to be proud of becoming a mum (not that ive ever been told that by my mum, she doesnt give a stuff about me and never has, why do i kid myself so much, she never once sat down with me to see where I was with schoolwork, not once did she take me out just me and her, not once did she say she loves me just the way i am, or read a bedtime story to me. No instead it was send me off to some activity club or relatives for the weekend just to make me feel even more unwanted why not.

oh well, sorry but had to get it out, im sick of pretending all is ok when it clearly isnt

roll on my counselling before I go totally barmy.

sorry about this but its honestly how I feel, yes I do need to let go of mum especially and its so bloody hard as I happen to love her funnily enough, not sure how that came about.

oh well i shall go and listen to my confidence cd for what its worth.

I feel quite prattish for typing all this and now worrying about what you will all think to this but like I say im past caring, perhaps i should print this out and take to counsellor on tuesday, if hubby gets the printer working that is.  AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

I wish I could find a way of releasing these horrible pent up feelings but I dont know how, I feel like punching the computer screen, but best not as its my lifeline,

to sum it all up - I FEEL SO TERRIBLY LET DOWN BY THE PERSON WHO BROUGHT ME INTO THIS WORLD, WHO’S SUPPOSED TO LOVE AND CHERISH ME - its just all so sad for me and I so wish things couldve been different, perhaps I wouldve grown up to be well adjusted, happy and at peace.

None of it makes sense, my mum isnt well herself, i worry that Im never going to move on unless I can actually tell her how I feel, but that would be just madness after all these years - I couldnt do it anyway as I know it would make me feel worse than I already do and certainly not help her - I couldnt live with that on my conscience.

what makes it harder is that my mum isnt a bad person at all, she’s lovely - everyone loves her, I know she was only 16 but (now im feeling guilty for typing all this and like im a bad person) im lost for words now, I really dont know why im doing this - perhaps im just a prat who just wants sympathy or maybe I just wanted to vent my anguish over it all, my mum never ever rings me, I didnt get a birthday card off her this year - I ring her but its cos she cant make outgoing calls, her landline is cut off but i have to phone her mobile, she has caused so much worry over the last 5 years, been in hospital twice after falling down her stairs from drinking, thought we were going to lose her - its been dreadful living here with all that going on and then having a baby with no family support, none of them bothered to visit after the birth, only my inlaws. I must be so unpopular or something, perhaps they just cant stand my long face.

there is no wonder at all im now depressed, on top of all that ive never had healthy self esteem, ah the joys of living hey?

well its got to be healthy to get this lot of rubbish out of my mind, even if it is just typed so I am glad I did it. Perhaps I shall sleep better for it.

Thanks for reading if you did.
Look forward to hearing your views tomorrow.

My computer crashed on me, my husband managed to get it up and running. I have been through AO hell. Oh gosh are you ok Xx My mother in law came to the birth of my child. She was wonderful. My mum can’t be the loving kind caring mum i would love to her to be. She can’t do it, she is inept. There isn’t anything loveable about my mum !! I haven’t seen my sister or mother in years. My mother is a drunk and she favours my sister more than me because my mother is scared of upsetting my sister. I worked in the same department as my sister and nobody would believe she was my sister, one girl said ‘no !!! even the boss is scared of her’ my sister is scarie. My husbands mother favours her daughter she hasn’t spoken to my husband in months nor me nor my little girl. I hear you XXXXX I do XXX plus i have numerous friends who have the same problems. Friends who were adopted out in big Irish families because they couldn’t afford to feed them. Friends who lived with granny because grandad had died and it gave granny a reason to live looking after a little one. Or friends whose children are raised by granny because the mother is a drug addict. My mothers rejection used to be so bloody painful for me. Now I just can’t be bothered with all that, given up the black dog chasing the car. I realised I had become her and started to neglect my own daughter worrying about upsetting her and i couldn’t love my daughter because i couldn’t love myself. My mother came to see my daughter when she was a month old and spoke as if she was a thing. Then she said she was an ughly thing and didn’t look like anybody in the family. My sister said my daughters name sounded like a dogs name and i should change it.I just thought to myself you spiteful cow, smiled sweetly until she left. I constantly remind myself what Trisha said not everybody is a good mother. The best revenge is success. I read Dave Pzelzer oh dear I can not spell his name, his mother singled him out to abuse she never abused any of his siblings only him. It just doesn’t make sense does it. He just accepted she didn’t love him. He just accepted it !! It was the only conclusion poor old dave the boy called it could make. i sat back and thought oh gosh, it was really powerful for me, I thought my mother doesn’t love me, it just clicked how can i chase something that doesn’t exist. The penny dropped i felt released. This realisation released me. Then i started to imagine i was her, attempting to love this person i just couldn’t love. I began to pity her really i was giving it a really good go and no feelings were coming nothing. Ummm that was about the size of it, that is how she behaves. Then i think of Byron Katie love what is, love the fact that my mother isn’t the mother I WANT HER to be, just accept it the prayer of serenity can’t change it. I now bless myself for being removed from it all and not having to give them hand outs and put up with her talking for hours drunk on the phone, and she would get spiteful if i interrupted her or needed to go. Thats my story that’s how I cope.

I know you’ll find your way of coping. I find people rarely change so i label them wrap it up and move on. The drunk, the spoilt brat, the womaniser, because that’s the way they are and i am not going to change them. It would be like asking a gay man to fancy me. I have no right to change people I wouldn’t like it if anybody wanted to change me. Boyfriends saying i should lose weight or wear certain clothes. I am enough how dare they. I hate it when people say what have you got to be depressed about, as if material wealth or being a nuclear family is the route to ultimate happiest. You’ll get there my friend i did, you’ll find the aha the natural balance. You’ll see yourself as enough, promise XXX and then you won’t need the approval of others you’ll see things in their true perspective and you’ll smile. Things might never change Yet I learn to accept them, I am enough i am good enough for my husband I am good enough to breath on this planet I am living in the moment and grooving Xx KAYFER YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE ENOUGH, love what is gorgeous love it for what it is, laugh smile at it all, because from where i am it’s a joke, a dreadful one yet there are only two options laugh or cry. Cry you sink the ship goes down with all it’s passengers, your little man included Xx Laugh and the world laughs with you, silly woman she really is a daft old brush to be so stupid as to take you for granted. Perhaps if you fought back you might gain her respect like my sister does yet you need to not give a damn. Really not care and be hard and thats not you. Smile gorgeous lady smile and laugh at your mum. because what she has done is laughable because it was stupid and stupid people are funny.
Please jump out of the pity pool (sylvia browne calls it that) , jump about a groove twist jive give a little whistle. You are allowed to get upset. It’s just your perception of what is happening Xx have you read Byron Katie ? you might need to read other books to realise Marissa has well researched her stuff and realising that might reaffirm your belief in yourself and you might start to realise it working in a small digestable baby steps way and then you realise. You are enough, you are enough to mother your little boy you are enough to be loved by your husband. You just don’t think you are enough for your mum. She probably thinks she is enough for you and thinks what more doesnt need to do anymore. She might think she does enough to be your mother and you might not think she does enough. So by thinking your mum is enough she might act enough to love you enough because with every action there is an equal and opposite reaction Xx I found it was a put up or shut myself off with my mother. It’s not about you, my husband says don’t flatter yourself it’s about you !! he’s right, 9 times out of ten it’s because of something else. I was the easy one who got taken for granted because I got on with it what ever I had to do so i didn’t NEED attention. My sister NEEDED attention so my mother gave it to her for an easy life. My mother and sister need to be spiteful in order to get attention your not spiteful XXX had to split my post it was so long Xxx SORRY XXXXHUGS XXXX

You probably have always been enough for your mum Kayfer your mum probably tells people you were a gorgeous smart little thing. You were probably just easy and so you got taken for granted Xx You mum thinks you are enough, now you must tell yourself you are Xx because you are Xxxx

I took this off dave crisp the life coaches web page today to cheer you up Xx
Buddha and the Abuse
It is said that on an occasion when the Buddha was teaching a group of people, he found himself on the receiving end of a fierce outburst of abuse from a bystander, who was for some reason very angry.

The Buddha listened patiently while the stranger vented his rage, and then the Buddha said to the group and to the stranger, “If someone gives a gift to another person, who then chooses to decline it, tell me, who would then own the gift? The giver or the person who refuses to accept the gift?”

“The giver,” said the group after a little thought. “Any fool can see that,” added the angry stranger.

“Then it follows, does it not,” said the Buddha, “Whenever a person tries to abuse us, or to unload their anger on us, we can each choose to decline or to accept the abuse; whether to make it ours or not. By our personal response to the abuse from another, we can choose who owns and keeps the bad feelings.”
author unknown

A Man and His Dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is heaven, sir,” the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have travelled far,” the man said.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some iced water brought right up.”

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveller asked.
“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”

The man thought a moment, remembering all the years this dog had remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me!” he called to the reader. “Do you have any water? We have travelled far.”

“Yes, sure, there’s a tap over there.” The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in and help yourself.”

“How about my friend here?” the traveller gestured to his dog.

“There should be a bowl by the tap; he is welcome to share.”

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned tap with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

“What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.

“This is heaven,” was the answer.

“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said. “The man down the road said that was heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad that they use your name like that?”

“No. We’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’d leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things.”

author unknown

I just wanted to say thank you Chloe for sharing your wisdom with me. I am going to make tea now and Ive lots to think about mainly how to let go which I intend to do, sooner the better too. I need to stay afloat - ive not quite sunk just yet and I dont intend to either. Your right you’ve done it and so can I.

I am enough, thank you for reminding me of that.

Kayfer I hope you are feeling better Xx I hope you realise how special and wonderful you are xx hope I didn’t prattle on too much I was really worried about you and i wanted to empathise not advise just wanted you to know I hear you and the only way I could do that was to tell you about me and explain that I have a dreadful mum, so dreadful I can not bear to be around her anymore. Your mum is not my mum. I was hoping my mum might make you mum look better. There is an excellent book about parents called they fuck you up and I can’t find it to tell you the author and your erroneous zones wayne dyer. I love you very much Kayfer and we are all here for you. Hang in there Xxx I am really worried about you not taking your pills I know you don’t want to be dependant on them. Yet they might help you through this blip. My friends use them to get over their blips and then come off them. I have never taken tablets except Epilem for my depression so I have not experienced dependancy. Lots of love and hugs and kisses XXXX I just wanted to say your mum is not the same as my mum and my way of coping is not your way. However we all find our way. It takes time, yet we find ourselves eventually. When you have more time for you you’ll understand Xx

HI Kayfer,

Once again I have been surprised and almost relieved about what I read on this forum.
My mother has caused me much despair and heart ache as well, and as you well know they often casue you moct grief by what they don’t do rather than what they actually do.

When I was raped and told my parents at 17, they threw me out of the house. The family relationship was severed for a number of years. Now it may be back on track but I am not sure if I will ever get over the hurt and completely forgive her

Like you, my other siblings have turned out so well grounded and get on so well with my parents. I am always on the outside looking in and my sister continually reminds me that I am something she may have stood on.

Unlike you, I have chosen never to have children, because I would never take the risk and I could be just like my own mother, besides the fact that I am terrible at looking after myself, never mind someone else.

I don’t feel just as crap as I did last week. Does everyone else not find it is easier to be miserable. I find being happy can be so exhausting and just sometimes I am too tired to keep up the pretence.

Oh gosh Elaine that is so rotten. It’s like a weak chicken other chickens peck at it until it is dead. Be strong beautiful lady Xx you have had a rotten time. People can be so rotten to eachother. It’s shamefull it really really is what happened to you was dreadful and disgusting. I wonder with some friends and family if they hang back because of shame. They know they aren’t fit to be my friend. I have had people treat me like poo they are rotten and stick their noses in the air. Trisha said the best revenge is success. Time heals and each person has lived to regret it because one day they have needed me. Fate is like that, thats why it’s not a great idea to kick an under (black) dog because they fight harder to become top dog. You must be strong hold up loving yourself. Beautiful beautiful elaine there is no need to put on an act, lots of people value you for who you are smile or not it’s only flesh it’s only skin deep, there are people who love the real you and they aren’t going anywhere. My friend puts her son to bed with 5 happy thoughts. He has to think of 5 happy thoughts before he closes his eyes. would you do that for me XX hugs XXx Plus XXX Have you spoken to a professional councillor about your problem. Oh gosh you are such a wonderful survivor you are a wonderful wonderful woman Xx please don’t let that vial perpetrator win, please please promise me you’ll seek the help of professionals and rape councilors and if the ones you have seen are no good, promise me you won’t give up until you find the councillor or therapist who is going to heal you and put you on the road to recovery, just keep going knock the doors and you’ll find the healer. Because that person is out there and they can help you. I found my mentor and he changed my life, he was my friend, I was lucky. You must find that person that catalyst the healer Xxx you are going to get better and be able to help others. We are all here for you Xx we are all here Xxx