Kayfer is a champion fighter Xx kick boxer you watch she’ll kick the black dog so hard he’ll yelp to kingdom come. p.s we don’t kick puppies Xx

Hey Kayfer

How are doing today?  I hear you, and know how you feel.  For me, I grew up with my grandparents, and was never closer to my mum.  I used to be scared of my mum, coz I don’t think that she loves me at all.  Then my parents separated, and I never felt that I had a “happy family”.

As I grew older, I started hating my mum due to her lack of emotions etc.  We became strangers even though we lived in the same house for some time.  Then I left home, you know, started university, got a job…blah blah blah.  A few years ago, my mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness.  So I went home, and spent time with her.  It was a very strange period, now thinking back.  However, My mum’s strong though, and she was fighting the illness very hard¬ wanting to go, and YES she is still here with us TODAY!!! 

Well, my mum and I only got to know each other a bit better about 3 years ago when I crashed.  No one knew what was going on with me, but I just couldn’t function anymore(Later diagnosed with Depression).  My mum started caring for me, you know, she would come into my room and see if I slept OK.  She would make me something nice to meet(not that I could taste anything back then).  She would actually sit on my bed and talk to me(she never used do that!!!)  She would take me and my dog out for a walk everyday even thought it was so hard to get up, let alone walk.  I guess what I am trying to say here is that my mum became a mum when depression arrived in my life.  I felt that she actually cared about me(never felt like that before).  Wow, my mum actually loves me?!

I’m sorry to hear that your mum’s not well.  I’m sorry to hear that you feel low.  I think that there is this bond between mother and daughter that will always be here regardless what happens.  You are a wonderful person.  When the moment comes, you’ll be able to see you mum in a different way if you know I mean?

For the time being, you are important, and please be kind to yourself and LOVE KAYFER!!!

Love you lots & thinking of you&I AM HERE KICKING AWAY THE BLACK DOG WITH YOU!!!!

lol

Hope your story is so beautiful, I am so glad you came on to give Kayfer a happy version. BEAUTIFUL YOU XXX the wonder of you (elvis). My friend lent me the book they fuck you up Oliver James how to survive family life. Sorry my tale was so miserable thats how I cope, mine is the easy option for the time being. Hope your story is so beatuiful thank you for that XXX
i was feeling really inept not knowing what to say to Kayfer yesterday. SOrry Kayfer my heart strings got tugged so hard Xx and for that part I could not help you because I have had such a bad time thanks to my mother !!! I was sent off to boarding school at 7. I was really ill and the nuns (i went to a convent boarding school till i was 16) thought my parents should come and see me because i was so unwell, they never came. Now I accept I come from a disfunctional family and laugh about it, the twig is bent !!! they won’t change for the time being I should say after reading Hope’s story who knows. However I do not live in hope because hope produces expectations and then i won’t experience let down. I live for the day and if tomorrow brings a new beginning a new chapter i look forward to tomorrow one day at a time. I live for me, I love life, I love laughter, I love being me XXx i love my friends I love my husband I love my daughter and I embrace the good life Xx (felicity Kendall)
p.s I love you guys too XXX

Hi Chloe

Im feeling quite well this morning - not sure why really just feel quite neutral and calm, ive just been cleaning inside windows upstairs before getting ready for my counselling - im lucky as I have two today as the lifecoach on the personal development course kindly offered to give me a free session and could only do it today after my usual counselling, I think the lifecoach will try some hypnotherapy with me so heres hoping.

You know while I was cleaning the windows i couldnt help but think how much I hate this house, ive never liked it, i wasnt keen to buy it but hubby insisted and he wears the trousers, I moaned at the time that theres too much to do, we going to be forever in a mess cant we buy somewhere thats already done up, but he managed to talk me round (mentioned we’d make a profit when come to sell) but I wish Id insisted that we didnt move here. But I know its not permanent and we are going to sell it next year but im just so fed up with always been in a mess and the feeling of never finished and upside down, it annoys the hell out of me, I just want a lovely, modern home that I can accessorise myself that im happy in.  I think Ive just been so swept along and feel my life isnt my own if that makes sense, I know I keep going on about my past but its not just that its my present too - ive so much work to do to make myself the happy person im supposed to be - I dont know where to start,

im unhappy with:

my job

my home

my childhood

myself

sex life (no drive whatsoever

not having found that one thing I would love doing (must start doing what Helen suggested, writing down each night what ive enjoyed doing in the day)

i think ive just worked it out, need to work on myself first, then im sure the others will fall into place, with some thought in place.

oooh only another week for our extension to get started, im scared to get too excited incase something goes wrong though, Im quite nervous about it - we’ve never had one done so not sure what to expect.

i must go as got the kitchen floor to clean, bye for now - have a great day, im hoping I’ll get chance this evening to come back on.

Love to you xx

Thanks Hope for your lovely message of love and support, im sorry to hear your story with your mum and can sympathise with you - dont know if you know but I too grew up with my grandparents until grandma died when I was 7 then I went to live with mum as Grandad had enough on with 10 other kids at home to look after, bless him.

my mum tells me she loves me and always has done really but ive never quite believed her, sad really. To be honest we are more like long distance friends these days, in a way im glad we moved miles away, its giving me chance to have a breather from all of that and to try and reinvent myself - our plan is to move back next year to be near family - so its now my goal to get over it all before doing that, otherwise im not sure i’ll be able to do it, we do get on and have a laugh when chatting on the phone, you wouldnt believe i had all these issues if you could hear me chatting to her, but a good friend of mine did say a few years ago after meeting my mum for the first time and made a comment afterwards that she sensed there was a barrier between us and that there was a certain tension between us, well she wasnt wrong im sad to say, it is sad and of course i wish things couldve been different but i have to build a bridge and get over it which is what the counselling is for, im more determined than ive ever been in my life. I need and want to be happy, im supposed to be happy and its important that I get there for once, I have to enjoy the rest of my life - otherwise what is the point, its just ridiculous, we arent here for long - ive got to be happy and I dont care what it takes to get there as long as I dont hurt anyone that is, but i have to put myself first, got to be happy for my little boy, he deserves a happy mum, he’s always been a happy baby and I want him to stay that way, bless him.

love to you Hope, thank you so much for all your support, youve been wonderful, Im so glad I met you on here. xxxx

im hoping your move goes smoothly and that you enjoy your break when you go. xx

we are lucky aren’t we to have eachother xxx Kayfer you talk so much sense you are inspiring me I did an hours power walk today and i feel excellent. I have been eating fruit and vegetables and taking my B vits you and hope have inspired me so much i felt I had to join in with the positive energy Xx Shame we had to kick the dog ha ha well when I am ready to kick the
dog I know then I am sick of being sick and need to do something about it Xx LOVE YOU GUYS so much Xx

Kayfer how are you doing ? Please pat yourself on the back you are doing so well beautiful lady. You always manage to bob and that’s what i love about you. YOU ARE SO BLOODY STRONG XXx your amazing you bounce back and get back on the horse your so wonderful Xx hows your little boy ? BIG HUG XXX need to put my little one to bed after we put the goats away. They have been watching telly through the window XXx no wonder they have square eyes !!!! sorry bad joke XXx Goodnight & love lots Xx

Hi Chloe

I am good thanks, and no more moaning from me tonight, must stop doing that.

my sessions went well today and the first one involved me picking pebbles to represent bits of my life which ive never done before so that was intriguing, the one I picked for hubby was heartshaped and had the same markings I picked out for myself, i didnt realise that when I picked it though, and my little boys pebble was positioned between me and work so seems theres some conflict there, then the counsellor asked me to pick a pebble to represent the new me and it was round, so meant well rounded which is how I want to be, interesting really.  It took me a while to get out the door though as changed outfit 3 times, jeans first, then combats, then smart trousers, and I felt a mess in all 3 so went back to my trusty old jeans - I dont know why but I always feel scruffy when depressed no matter what I wear, I went round a clothes store inbetween my sessions just longing for some makeover like on Trinny and Susannah and kept criticising myself whenever i caught a glimpse in the mirror - the thing is I know I could look loads better if I just made the effort and put some thought into it, believe it or not I do have a good dress sense or so ive been told, but i think I just look a bag of rubbish, but my counsellor said no you look lovely, I hate feeling so down in myself, Im happy with my dress size and face, my hair is abit non descript, I have nice eyes, my teeth could do with been whitened and I suppose I could do with just brightening myself up generally, I just feel like a bag lady, its awful, im not sure if I should just go out and spend loads of money on clothes as im meant to be working on myself from within but then I think if I always made sure I looked good then its a start.

sorry there I go again, moaning old minnie (hubby called me that earlier) id moaned about the state of our house and he didnt like it and said I couldve changed things in the house sooner if I wasnt happy.

he’s right of course, it shouldnt just be down to him to get the house done, not that im an expert on DIY, I dunno I just worry its always gonna be this way, I know we’ll get this house all lovely and then sell it and then we’ll be back to square one in our other house which needs doing up so we’ll be upside yet again, its not what I want really. I want to be settled and really make a home for ourselves and be happy in it. The other house is up North being rented out while we’re here for hubbys work, its a lovely house but so old fashioned so needs alot of modernising, it was his parents and their taste is .... well not my taste thats for sure. Perhaps I should be an Interior Designer and design it all myself lol

How are you Chloe, you sound like you are well motivated - im proud of you, well youve inspired me now and im going to do some exercise tomorrow, burn off all the chocolate ive eaten lately, I just love sweet stuff lately, I blame my hormones. Oh and thanks for recommending the Katie Byron book - and the other one, I shall have a search now.

xx

Hi Chloe and Hope

Ive been surfing since I posted my message and just realised something, well I was aware of it deep down but I dont laugh enough, I dont watch comedies, my hubby doesnt really tell jokes, the only thing I do laugh about is my sons mannerisms which make me laugh but I need to laugh alot more as we all do.

So if you dont mind me asking, do you both laugh abit, alot or not at all. Im sure you do but theres a lot to be said for laughter so im going to make a goal that I laugh every day and if I havent laughed then Im to watch a comedy or look at funnies on the website. I am sure I would cure myself alot quicker if I laughed cos as you know its such a good stress reliever.

Im so glad thats occurred to me, perhaps I should go play with hubby, he’s laid on the bed right now in his dressing gown watching something, and im sat in our miniscule ensuite study, I really must get to bed soon, think im stuck to my chair.

So just thought Id share my thoughts about the power of laughter, would be great if we could swap funny stories, not that I have any off the top of my head but im sure if I thought hard enough Id think of some,

ah heres one, when at work ages ago I went to the loo and without realising it caught my skirt in my knickers and walked all the way to my desk without realising until a colleague quietly said, erm your skirt needs readjusting, sorry thats about as best I can do, it was more embarrassing than funny.

Rita, Sue and Bob too, the british comedy always makes me laugh, I havent seen a really funny programme in ages, I used to love The Office and The Royle Family oh and Nightie Night, orrr im just in the mood for a good laugh, perhaps I shall take a look at hubby (bless him, he looks abit fed up, think he’s waiting for me to join him)

night night, tomorrow I shall have a good laugh, not sure how yet but i shall think on.

Dear Kayfer, the exercise with the pebbles sounds fascinating.  A friend of mine did that in one of her therapy sessions and got a lot out of it as it sounds like you did too. 

I had to comment on your post about laughter.  I think that laughter is a very much underrated antidote to depression.  It’s one of the last things you feel like doing when you are depressed but once you start, the effects are amazing.  If you watch a funny comedian or a funny film it is often hard not to laugh and once you start it’s easier to carry on and the effects are amazing.  Laughter is a great mood booster.  I missed laughter when I was ill. 

There is even a type of yoga called ‘Laughter Yoga’.  If the yogis are convinced enough that it works to dedicate a yoga to it, who are we to argue!?

Most of the things that work best in combating depression are incongruent with depression and things that you feel the least like doing but they work far better than staying in bed ever does.  The effect wears off though so you just have to make sure that you enjoy doing them and therefore keep doing them. 

I thought that your story was very funny.  It made me giggle.  Thank you so much for sharing that with us.  I thought that I would share one with you too if I may.  I picked my 5 year old nephew up from school today.  When we got into the car, he asked if we could have the radio on.  He was very specific about the station.  He wanted Radio 1.  I’m an over 30’s Radio 2 girl myself but conceded to radio 1.  He immediately started singing the song that was on the radio by Lady, Poker Face but was singing ‘Poke her face’ and jiving very animatedly in his booster seat.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  Children are so funny.  If a child can’t make us laugh, we know we’ve got problems!
Best wishes, Helen

Hi sister Kayfer (hope you don’t mind me calling you this)

So glad you feel a bit brighter after seeing the counsellor etc.  Like Chloe said, you are so strong, and we are all here to encourage each other to stay strong and feel good about ourselves.

I like your posting about laughing.  Lately, I have been watching comedies like “Two and Half Men”, “Senfield” (re runs) and some comedy DVD movies that we get from the store.  Laughing is a good medicine!  Especially when I feel the negatives are coming to harm me, I try to distract myself eg put a funny movie on or some music on or go outside for a walk.  Those work for me.  Whatever works for you is your calling, I guess   Thank you for sharing - I AM ABOUT TO WATCH STH FUNNY AFTER THIS!

Funny that we both grew up with our grandparents, and I look forward to catching up with my grandmothers in a month or two.  Well, I am actually moving closer to my parents in about two weeks.  My parents have not been well, and we think it is a good idea to be closer so we can care for one and another.  See how that goes - wish me luck! 

Have you ever heard a drama series called “Gilmore Girls”?  I love watching that and have the full DVD for it.  It is a bit girlie, but it has the kinda mother and daughter relationship that I wish I have with my mother.  It is a light hearted drama, and I usually put on when I feel like a bit of TLC and Fantasy

Well, I have been really good with my exercise this week.  Did YOGA at the GYM yesterday, and today Boxing, and am determined to go again tomorrow   Exercise makes me feel good.  I have a sweet tooth, so gonna work at it to burn off all those chocolate and biscuits I love to eat.  Lucky that I have got some energy back.  Hey, BIG THANK YOU TO YOU RE YOUR MULTI V ADVICE: I have started taking it, and maybe it has given me the energy?!  You are wonderful, my sister Kayfer!!!

Your son sounds so cute, and I can just imagine how much joy he’d bring you.  You are a great mum.

Do you have any plans for this week?  Please look after my sister Kayfer for me - she is very very very important!!!

I hope you are well and smiling today

p.s I plan to make a cheesecake this week, I know, I am terrible & I LOVE FOOD

I cankeep up with all the messages. Every time I read one, I want to reply with relief that someone else feels exactly as I do.
Tonight I will go through each of them and talk to you all and try and get to know each of you.
xx

Hi Helen
The pebbles exercise was interesting and the counsellor gave me the well rounded one to keep and to feel it whenever I want some inner strength, she’s lovely and im sure this time I will be helped. I have to believe that, my aim is to learn how to believe and love myself so I can be the happy person im supposed to be.

Thank you for your funny story Helen, that did make me laugh out loud - first laugh of the day and its only 10am, so a good start.  I realise what your saying though about the effects soon wearing off and therefore needs to be done regular, Im going to have to tap into my imagination today and think about how to find something to laugh at, my son is at the childminders so Im lucky to have the day all to myself, sad thing is I havent really got any plans, but thats ok I shall just go with the flow and try to enjoy myself. I get alot from coming on here, it gives me some strength and makes me feel lucky to have found you all on here. Thank you so much Helen for this site, its amazing. You are a godsend.

Hi sister Kayfer (hope you don’t mind me calling you this)

So glad you feel a bit brighter after seeing the counsellor etc.  Like Chloe said, you are so strong, and we are all here to encourage each other to stay strong and feel good about ourselves.

I like your posting about laughing.  Lately, I have been watching comedies like “Two and Half Men”, “Senfield” (re runs) and some comedy DVD movies that we get from the store.  Laughing is a good medicine!  Especially when I feel the negatives are coming to harm me, I try to distract myself eg put a funny movie on or some music on or go outside for a walk.  Those work for me.  Whatever works for you is your calling, I guess   Thank you for sharing - I AM ABOUT TO WATCH STH FUNNY AFTER THIS!

Funny that we both grew up with our grandparents, and I look forward to catching up with my grandmothers in a month or two.  Well, I am actually moving closer to my parents in about two weeks.  My parents have not been well, and we think it is a good idea to be closer so we can care for one and another.  See how that goes - wish me luck! 

Have you ever heard a drama series called “Gilmore Girls”?  I love watching that and have the full DVD for it.  It is a bit girlie, but it has the kinda mother and daughter relationship that I wish I have with my mother.  It is a light hearted drama, and I usually put on when I feel like a bit of TLC and Fantasy

Well, I have been really good with my exercise this week.  Did YOGA at the GYM yesterday, and today Boxing, and am determined to go again tomorrow   Exercise makes me feel good.  I have a sweet tooth, so gonna work at it to burn off all those chocolate and biscuits I love to eat.  Lucky that I have got some energy back.  Hey, BIG THANK YOU TO YOU RE YOUR MULTI V ADVICE: I have started taking it, and maybe it has given me the energy?!  You are wonderful, my sister Kayfer!!!

Your son sounds so cute, and I can just imagine how much joy he’d bring you.  You are a great mum.

Do you have any plans for this week?  Please look after my sister Kayfer for me - she is very very very important!!!

I hope you are well and smiling today

p.s I plan to make a cheesecake this week, I know, I am terrible & I LOVE FOOD

Hi there, I dont mind at all you calling me sister, I think thats lovely and would be proud to have you as my sister any day.

Im going to have a look at my collection of dvds in a mo and see what appeals to me, im thinking I may watch Teachers, I bought it for hubby about 3 years ago and he’s never put it on yet - its a shame its just sat on the shelf. It is such a funny comedy, I love it, well be both used to when it was on.

Wow I didnt realise you lived in Australia, that sounds great, my dad and family went there years ago as my dad has an older sister who lives there, they loved it, thats one place Id love to visit one day, I remember when paternal grandparents visited and they still loved talking about 15 years later, they absolutely loved that country and Im sure they’d have visited again given the chance, they are no longer with us, I do miss them :(

ooh a cheesecake, my favourite, do you think you can post some over here - you sound like your doing very well with all that exercise, im proud of you - I could do with some of that but feeling abit delicate, that time of month for me so im taking it abit easy for now, I may do abit of Wii Fit later on though after my comedy.

Bye for now xxx and thank you for the message and ideas on funny movies

Hi Elaine

How are you doing? Its great to hear from you, thank you for your message. I know what you mean with keeping up with them all, its becoming a full time job for me - I love coming on the computer everyday, it really picks me up abit.

Well makesure you have a flask and some food while you go through them all tonight, it could take some time lol.
xx
have a good day Elaine