oh love you Xxx people can be rotten. When I had depression I don’t think people realised the impact of their comments. Hey I am not a virtual friend I am a real friend Xxx HUGS XXX all of us are here for you Xxx We exist we are all flesh and blood and we care. We care about you Xx We don’t dwell on the bad stuff just need to tell you all about us so we can strike up our bonds with eachother, Hope and Kayfer bake delicious cakes and are fit and dynamic and a true inspiration. I have escaping telly addict goats and Brencoot has a way of keeping the balance and Steve can tell you how he got better plus Brencoot is the caring carer. Helen is a wonderful caring forum leader who inspires us with positive new ideas and been dreadfully ill herself. We don’t feel your pain yet we have all felt some sort of mental anguish, even brencoot can empathise as a carer and we can make great listeners. Tell us about your day Xxxxp.s it can be fun xx

Helen

That link was lovely for the laughing babies and I loved the one after it, Let them Be Little, that really made me smile, its gorgeous - I want to make a video of my little one and have that music playing - my hubbys just seen it and thought it was lovely too - at the moment we are facing the terrible twos, he is really testing us lately and playing up left right and centre but watching that Let them Be Little really makes me realise it wont last for long and I’ll be wishing he was little again when he’s older so im not in any rush for him to grow up, he is still our gorgeous baby boy.

Elaine, I hope your ok and feel you can talk to us some more, Chloe’s right we have all felt mental anguish and pain but it makes you stronger in the end, lean on us, we are here for you.

xx

Elaine,

I so agree with Chloe said in her posting.  We joined this forum for all sorts of different issues.  By speaking to one and another, it is hoped to make us feel more at ease and feel more comfortable with our own skill.  The action itself(discover this forum & join as a member) is an amazing first step to seek out help and actually do something about it to make the positive change for yourself.  To me, it is not just dwell on the bad and negative stuff via chatting to people on this forum.  It is a forum to empower people who are having difficult times with depression to stand up for themselves again.  My partner is delighted that I have joined this forum as he sees the positive changes in me.(When I first joined here a few weeks ago, I was in a pretty bad shape with nothing to look forward to)  I also update him with the beautiful people that I have met here and the encouragement that I have received from Helen, Chloe, Kayfer.  He now asks me often about the others doing etc.  The people that I have met here are positive influence for me to get up in the morning, knowing that I am not alone and I am not struggling all by myself and most all I can get better.  If Helen and Chloe can do this, maybe I can do this too?

I’m sorry that your husband doesn’t like the idea of this forum, but it is OK to do things that you feel is right for you.  People can tell you what’s right and wrong, but I think at the end of the day, you are the leading actress/actor in your own movie, so you are the boss.  Your sister doesn’t even have the chance to be casted, coz you the director/producer and the main actress in your own production. 

I don’t mean to give a big speech about how great this forum is, but I guess all I am trying to say here is this forum has saved my life this year from my relapse of depression.  I am forever grateful for this amazing forum filled with wonderful people who understand, listen, share and help out one and other.

If I could share this with you, it is from Marisa Peer’s book, and she says: YOU CANNOT FAIL; YOU CAN ONLY FAIL TO TRY.

Thinking of you, and please be kind to yourself.

lol

Hello Kayfer, how are you? Did you have a good weekend? Did you go to the pub or are you going to leave until next week?

Hello Elaine, how are you? Your husband is just trying to help you by giving his own advice, but with things like depression, it is mainly up to the sufferer to get themselves better and find out what works well for them, so if coming on here and talking about your problems or reading about others makes you feel better, then keep doing it.

As for your sisters comments, I can’t quite figure out what she was trying to achieve by saying something like that, but I’m sure she had her reasons. Maybe she thought it would “shake you out of it”, which is I think what a lot of people think you can do with people suffering from depression. As I’ve mentioned before on here, it’s just another case of people not knowing how to deal with something liek depression that can’t be seen. I must admit, I used to think a bit like that before I got to know more about it.

I hoep you are OK, and like I said, just keep doing what ever you find works for you.

You have genuinely all brought a tear to my eye with your words of encouragement and kindness.

This weekend I stumbled across an old friend on Face Book. She is living in Singapore with her Indian boyfriend. She works in Marketing etc… etc..
We have both come from the same background and the hurt, anger and disappointment awoke inside of me when I realised how far she had gone, quite literally across the world and I have ended up 10 mile away in 3 up, 2 down. I didn’t want to feel like because a quote I like to use ” Do not spoil what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for” (Epicurus). This applies to me wholeheartedly.
When I started to tell my old friend that I was so jealous, she didn’t want to hear it. I think she didn’t want to hear that the depression and feeling sorry for myself hasn’t moved on. Then of course I became frustrated again that I am this person because I really don’t want to be.

I know that only I can change how I feel and I do believe that my revenge is success but sometime the struggle to always be happy is so difficult when you feel like such shit.

You are going to get there elaine you are going to win and pull through. I have met the same friends and overtaken them XX you are amazing after what you have been through. Did she have the same start the same anguish, you have achieved so much. I always remember the hare and the tortoise I am going to live to I am 100 not dead yet, listen to Kayfer it makes her stronger. You have made it, you have XXX YOU ARE ENOUGH XXX your beautiful strong and you can get over this blip xxxx

is there some part of this forum where I can go back and find out about you all, and what your stories are. I just want to stop thinking about me for a while. And you all seem like such lively people whom I would really like to get to know better.

I don’t think my sister meant to rub my nose in it with the great news that she got a new car, while I am working 2 jobs just trying to make ends meet.

Hi Brencoot

What a day, first of the builders couldnt start on the extension as no skip till tomorrow to clear all the rubbish first. I was very disappointed but went out to meet a friend to take my mind off it and it worked so I had a moan to her and she moaned to me about her bad day at work, my little one didnt have his daily nap so its been a tiring long day, but he did go to bed early so not too bad, my hubby is away till Wednesday.

Apart from that Im doing ok, I just feel abit sad about the way my mums handled things or not handled in the way I wished for, I found myself opening up to my childminder and couldnt believe it when she’s had a very similiar upbringing to mine, her mum hasnt ever seen her 16 yr old daughter and she was brought up by her grandparents - I phoned my dad’s wife this morning and poured my heart out to her too and she was lovely and understanding and said its natural you feeling the way you do and me and your dad have done a million things wrong, whereby I replied and said no you havent but it just made me think why cant my mum just take abit of responsibility for whats happened - she’s never once acknowledged it and I hate the way she hasnt, I love her but hate the way she’s just buried her head in the sand so to speak, why cant she just say ’ look im sorry for the way things turned out, I love you and none of it was your fault’ just something to soften the hurt of it all. I cannot talk to my mum about any of it now, I tried that 5 years ago and she just got aggressive and shouted and said ‘youve had a good childhood’ she was so mad that Id mentioned it, it was awful and I wasnt strong enough to fall out with her so I just shut up about it from then on, but its still affecting me, I so hope my counsellor can help me with this - we havent gone there yet.

Elaine I guess we all let a little bit out at a time we drop the odd bit in here and there. I have been through the wars so I am here. I know Kayfer and Hope have too. I guess us girls are writing our own novel with brencoot the balancer. By the way Brenccot are you a librian sign of the zodiac. I guess it’s like conversation with God the tale of us unfolds as we empathise with eachother. Hope Kayfer and I share in common that one time in our lives we had a poor quality time with our mums when we were little or older. I guess thats why I became depressed I needed the support of a good mother who couldn’t be a mother and never wanted to be a mother, so she did the best she could really with the lack of what i needed. My sister was a cow for rubbing my nose in it, she loves to look better than me. Sibling rivalry !!!! hey. My sister loves to poke fun at me over and over again in front of my friends telling them things that really embarrass me and make me feel a fool. I use to get really embarrassed she told my husband all about my ex boyfriends when she first met him. She just made herself look really bad, he just smiled and said lucky me. She then talked about her dog licking the muck off his bum. In the end she gave up because she didn’t get the reaction she wanted. I knew from that moment on it was love. My ex walked home in the middle of a family dinner one year because my relations made so much fun of me. He said he needed the loo then disappeared. I was so embarrassed and when i spoke to him later he said it was so dreadful he could not bear to be sat there listening to them run me down to my face. I said i was fine with it, he said I am not I had to leave before I punched one of them. Why your sister did that elaine we shall never know, she might not think she might want to impress you, make you proud of her. I am guessing she just doesn’t think, i am guessing my sister needed to pull herself up to make herself feel better by putting me down. Sisters are complicated. i just adopt the attitude now, am i bothered and her lost ha ha. this is my way of coping not advice big hug, just tell you about me so you can think about how you would handle it better smile and laugh beautiful lady Xxx your sisters being a bit insensitive Xx i can be sometimes when I don’t think before I open my gob Xx

Beautiful Kayfer, my mum used to get really angry with me if I touched on a sensitive subject. I just got this look and I shut up I knew not to go any further. I had a boyfriend once who 3 timed me. I joked when he said he was busy and said anybody would think you were seeing somebody else. He lept down my throat and went mad. From that moment on I can pick out all the murderers in the thrillers, they are the ones who get a little bit noiser than the other suspects. I guess guilty consciences do that. My father would never appologise he really would upset people because he could not appologise. My psychology lecturer at uni made it his purpose to find out why some people can not appologise it fascinated him so much. A christmas carol at school sang’ tread lightly where the snow lies deep’ I thought that metaphor applies to some peoples behaviour. Jeremy Kyle was begging this mother the other day to JUST APPOLOGISE to her daughter. Sorry I did think of you she was brought up by her grandmother. The mother STILL did not appologise to this beautiful daughter after she had admitted how dreadful she had treated her, still would not explain or appologise. WHY ? it’s mad !! Perhaps we should research forgiveness, gorgeous sister, perhaps she thinks she doesn’t deserve to be forgiven !!! who knows , who knows what is going through peoples minds. Have you ever spoken to an ex boyfriend and they explain their behaviour. I think gosh I wish you had said something at the time. Would I have listened understood at the time. Complicated. She might start a heated debate and lose you all together if she told the truth. She might be thinking that was then this is now. LOVE YOU HONEY XXXXhugs XXX hope I help Xxxxxx

Wow hope I just read your post to elaine, your amazing, you have such a skill at saying the correct thing at the correct time Xx you can respresent me anytime XXXhugs XXX

Oh my gosh Hope you made me cry XXXyou are so beautiful XXX what you wrote was amazing Xxx you are amazing Xxx Glad to have you onboard elaine XXXX HUGS XXXX we are all surf babes XXXx riding the waves untill we get better Xx we all ride the wave , give eachother a hello wave , a mexican wave XX yes beachboys song today in the head Xx good vibrations one knocking (in a kind way)  the other one until we are all warming eachother up atomic wave XXXXX LOVE YOU XXX

hi chloe again

you know youve hit the nail on the head with that, what on earth goes on in other peoples minds, I wish I knew sometimes or perhaps its best i didnt. I know my mum never meant to hurt me, she didnt wake up one day and think oh i know I shall make kayfers life a misery - I know it doesnt work like that and she did the best she could with what she had at the time, but it still doesnt stop me from feeling let down, hard done by, unloved and still waiting for that simple word ‘sorry’ I shall never get that and even if i did im not sure what’d id make of it, perhaps im one of these people who shall never be happy no matter what happens, i have asked myself ‘what is it that I so desperately want’ and after thinking a few moments ive come up with ‘a mum’ not necessarily the mum ive got but a mum who loves me for who I am unconditionally not for the things i do - how the hell am i supposed to find it in myself to love me when my own mother didnt appear to, this depression is making it so hard to help myself - i can barely think straight.

its obvious i need to get this rubbish out of my system, perhaps i believe the more i go on about it the more chance it will go away - the insecurity ive suffered all my life - yes my aunt loved me and my grandma, thank god for that - and I believe my mum did and does in her own way but not demonstrated so I could believe she loved me.

im going on now and not making any sense I bet - think i should stop and have a lie down.

here is a positive, my friend sent a text after id rang earlier to wish her happy birthday, she gave birth a week ago to a baby girl, she lives up north - anyway the text was lovely and at the end of it she put ‘it’ll be great when you move back. We all miss you.’ xx I am so lucky to have her as a friend, she’s an absolute diamond and I miss her too.

(another mum moan) - I doubt I shall get that from my mum - instead she’ll be swanning off to see my sister in Cyprus but its too much trouble to come here - well its ok as I arent taking it personally anymore - as my mum isnt really arent that important to me anymore - shes just a friend to me now, its best to see her that way from now on, shes not my mum really, just biological thats all. I now accept I dont have a mum, never have, never will have - end of.

Cant remember who said it but ‘build a bridge and get over it’ is best advice i can give myself right now.

its true though - perhaps that would be best for me to think like this as it may lessen the hurt i feel, she is there for me but just not the way I dream of, thats all it is a fantasy, I do have a stepmum though and she’s brilliant, her and my mum hated each other at one time, i found out yesterday that my mum ended the relationship with my dad, I was always led to believe it was the other way round, mum had told me my dad had hit her while she was pregnant with me - well im not bothered really if that happened or not, i just havent the energy to waste worrying about that one. Its over now and I have to move on and be happy with my life and not be thinking about it all anymore.

I need to draw a line - __________________thats it now im no longer going to mention the mum word on here anymore that is my vow - its finished, over, done with, its not important anymore, all is well within my world, finito,
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________-

now all ive got to do is focus on is getting myself well so I can begin to enjoy the rest of my life with my lovely little family Im proud to be part of. I will get better and Im determined more than ever now.