Hello Kayfer, how are you? I thought it was interesting that you opened up to a couple of people and they were very sympathetic and you child minder had had similar experiences. I think it’s funny how many people have had similar experiences, but try not to talk about them, but as soon as you do, they let it all flood out. There’s a lesson there somewhere I think!

As for your mum never been able to accept responsibility and say sorry, I think lots of people (perhaps most) have problems doing that. Is it Billy Joel or Elton John who sings “Sorry seems to be the hardest word”. I guess it really must be for a lot of people. I think the key is to try to move on when someone does something bad to us, otherwise it destroys us, and it shouldn’t cos we are the ones in the right. Sturggling to explain what I mean here sorry! Maybe you get the gist though.

Hello Elaine, how are you? Just a quick word about your jealousy of your friend. Completely normal reaction, so don’t hate yourself for it, but yeah, you should try to let go of that jealousy if you can. For a start, there’s a fair chance that her life isn’t as rosey as it looks (the grass is greener and all that) and if you always look at what others have, then you are never gonna be happy cos it’s going to be impossible to have what everyone else has. I’m not saying that I’m perfect and don’t envy people, cos believe me, I do!! But I try not to let that the little green man take over. If you can use it to motivate you, it’s great, but any more than that and it will become destructive. You will probably think this next line is absolute rubbish, but believe me, there’ll probably be a lot of people who see you and your situation as better than theirs.

Kayfer beautiful beautiful Kayfer XXXXHUG HUG HUG XXXXX therapy used to make feel crap !!! gosh I remember, it was horrid for me It used to leave me feeling really DEPRESSSSSSSSSED !!!!! Kayfer whatever you do, think, say, all that matters is what brings YOU peace and makes you happy beautiful lady. talk about your mum if you need to XXX I am listening sis xXx what are you like Xx you are so so so brave well done for today you ride the wave surf babe Xxx you are wonderful and I love you very much Xx remember YOU ARE ENOUGH XX I used to wish I had a loving kind inderstanding respectable decent mum. I wish I was able to have loved the mum I had, she was rotten !! ha ha I pity the old bird now, gosh she must be so proud of herself - not !! She doesn’t have a loving adoring daughter. For years I tolerated a spiteful old drunk. I bought her the mothers day cards to save a scene, and I desparately wanted the old dragon to love me. Listening to Byron Katie she said turn it around my belief my sabataging thoughts. My mother didn’t love me, I didn’t love my mother !!! what was there to love. I was still am a needy people pleaser !! I found myself seeking approval the other night from 2 friends. They went and I was left feeling crap !! just like when I did it with my mother, I was seeking approval from them. WHY? and they made me feel crap, I went out of my comfort zone, and I trusted them, I gave them story after story and they turned all my stories around to make it my fault, Yes I decided it was my fault asking them for reassurance, I was putting on them, bad me !!! silly me . I don’t need your approval Kayfer thats why I love and admire you, you put me at ease, you make me feel BETTER. It’s not wrong to be approval seeking, it’s the puppy kickers who pull themselves up and make themselves feel better. Anyway I just think to myself about my mum, you lost a great daughter. It’s a win win not a win lose, my mum has to have me crawling back because she is weak and needs to have the control. Weak people have to have control, that you are not. YOU ARE STRONG,YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL you are enough and the evidence points to the fact you are special all the evidence Kayfer, your step mum your dad, your friends. Kayfer you just need to hear your mum say sorry. I lie in bed at night and pretend I can hear people appologise to me. I LIE !!! in bed ha ha I know it’s a lie but it helps. (don’t tell the husband I ‘lie’ in bed). We know good because we experience evil. You are a great mum because you know what it’s like to have a not so nice mummy. I wonder how old we need to get before we don’t need our mums, 50, 60, 70, 80. How old does your mum have to get till she NEEDS YOU !!. Do you think it is a woman thing because lads are less needy for their mums, or are they ? I always wished I had a nice mum. Somebody asked me once ‘are you ashamed of your mum’ I thought it would put my husband off me when we were courting, I was worried he would look at her and see me in the future, one boyfriend dumped me after he met her, he said he was really shocked and wasn’t happy to continue our relationship. When I was at college friends joked about my dragon of a mother and would not call for me, that made me sad. My best friend had a cookie baking kind mum. I used to borrow her mum, actually I have made some really great friends and realise I have them. My mum refused to tell me about periods and got my dad to do it. I didn’t have a clue what to do and my dad was clueless. However I had the most wonderful wonderful friends thank goodness and I could chose them and they showed me what to do bless XXX

tell me where I can get help. I had such a good day and was feeling so great about everything. Then i celebrated with a drink and now I am pleading for help

oh gosh xxx hope you are ok ? I think of the wonderful things in my life, my husband, my daughter, my dog, and my lovely pets and all that I am blessed with. I know others might have more than me. I just think how rich I am to have really wonderful friends and people who care about me and support me when I am feeling sad and low and not confident in my skin. I would drink lots of water now and hope the bad feelings subside, have you got some comedy some Simpsons, something recorded to make you laugh. Can you think of something that made you really laugh. Would a nice bath comfort you and some nice music. Have you got some nice body lotion and give your skin some moisture and love. Have you got a nice friend to talk to on the phone the type of friend which makes you feel better with there there there. Please do not phone a get a grip one. Could you breath some fresh air and get some fresh air into your lungs. Please give elaine a hug from meXXXX HUGS XXXXXX

Chloe

Could I have you as my mum please, you make me feel so good when Im feeling really low, I thank you for that, you really give me strength when I need it the most, wish I could do something for you in return, your lovely Chloe - a real diamond - I love you.

Anyway im ok, my little one has gone to bed so Im alone but looking forward to chatting to hubby when he rings and then going to bed, Im so tired today, mentally more than anything, my back is aching too, has been for 3 days, dont know whats brought that on, perhaps my Yoga on Thursday will help, I went last week and tried doing the crab position and I pulled a muscle then - think I was abit too keen, I used to do that all the time when I was 10, the time I used to go to gymnastics.

Oh another positive ive had - my friend phoned to see how I am (the one who lives near me) and my sister sent me an email asking how are things, not the one who wanted to come and see me the other one - so Im feeling cared for which is a lovely feeling and it really helps to know people are looking out for me, this has got to be the worst depression ive ever had - it really has got me this time, cant believe how long ive been like this, it was beginning of August when I started slipping into it, it seems a lifetime. But im thinking of the positives now - its my only chance of getting better - tomorrow I will do something nice for myself, not sure what yet but im tempted to get my hair done, I have to do something, I may go and buy a cardmaking kit and make some cards for christmas that may take my mind off it all, its got to be worth a try. I love being creative but havent made any time for that in ages. I want to do digital scrapbooking when im more familiar with digital photography which im going to do in the new year - all being well.

Im off to get ready for bed as hubby will be ringing shortly no doubt, may get to come back here later, if not it’ll be tomorrow.
Bye for now xx
ive just read this message back and am now looking forward to tomorrow and my cardmaking, my lifecoach inspired me today with that one, cant wait for apt with her this Friday, she has a knack of making me smile, she’s great and full of energy.

Hi Brencoot,

How are you?

I have been enjoying reading your postings, and thought to pop in and say hello.

Do you reckon that you could shape me into a fun exercise routine, too?

Thank you for making us girls laugh

You are wonderful.

lol

My dear sister Kayfer,

How are you?  Haven’t spoken to you for a while, and thought I pop in and see how you are doing. 

Glad that you started opening up to people, your life coach sounds like fun and I can see so many positives happening in your life.  Hey, I really like the idea that you are going to do something nice for yourself tomorrow - YOU SO DESERVE IT!!!  I actually did that myself today, you know, just to get out of the place which is filled with stuff/mess at the moment.  Moving is not fun, but it’s gonna be done right?  A bit stressed:-0 Well,guess what I did for myself today?  I went to a salon and had my hair done.  I was so nervous to go there, because I don’t know how to chit chat with people at the moment, and hate the idea of people asking me questions.  Finally I got the courage to ring up and made the booking last week, and was contemplating whether I should cancel it today.  Lucky that I didn’t cancelled the appointment and went there as it turned out to be quite pampering and it was so good to just step out of my comfortable zone and be brave if you know I mean?  Yes, I did spent a bit of money today, but I felt OK about it without too much guilt.  Most of all, I got to get away from the mess/packing for a bit.  My boyfriend liked my new hair, too. 

At the salon, I discovered something interesting(AHA moment), and thought to share it with you as we were talking about work etc earlier in our postings.  There is an article in Maria Claire magazine, discussing quite a few female who have been working in non-profit organisation or doing volunteer work or pro bono work etc, and are very passionate about their new roles as the roles involving inspire young people etc in their new field.  Some of them left their corporate/business roles behind, and went into the new roles, not for the money but for the passion and the ability to make a difference for the community.  I had an AHA moment when I read the article, and thought to myself maybe that’s something that I could look into when I feel better and ready.  I used to do volunteer work when I had a lot more free time in my younger years, but life becomes busier and I kinda just lost touch with all the simple pleasure in life.  Maybe I can work in an area that has impact on corporate social responsibility or similar to those women in the article?  I am not sure yet, but I found that article very inspiring and am very attracted to those women who are so empowering and opened minded about what they do.  I like helping people, and I wonder whether there is a path there for me in terms of work one day maybe?  Thought to share my AHA moment with you, sister

Is your hubby away?  Hope your little one looking after you while daddy is away.

Love you lots and hope you are kind and do something nice for you

lol

Oh wow Xx Hope I got your aha moment mixed up with the I am enough moment , I am just having a bonkers moment. Yes I would love to be related to both of you I love you very much XX and you make me cry so I must love you XXX
I love the idea of Card making and Kayfer have you had your hair done Xxhope so XX I looked at mine today it definitely needs some colour, The weather has changed and my hair is now too light for my winter clothes. I believe happiness is the most important possession I can possess. I honestly believe steering towards what made me happy keeps me well. I find helping and giving is also a way of making me feel happy and Hope I believe the new vocation would really suite you Xxx Kayfer have you found what makes you passionate yet ? I sewed and made things when my daughter was born I got so much pleasure from making and creating it made me peaceful and content and happy. I managed 76 mins on the walking machine before my hip began to really ache. I watched the cinder path an old love story. It made me think alot about why life is hard. I began to realise why certain spiritualists believe we have a mission, we come to learn and these are lessons. It was the daft film that made me think that way. Plus the main man who was considered weak was in fact mentally really really strong to stand up to the nasty people by not retaliating. I believe you guys are strong XX I believe you guys are WONDERFUL XXX his courage reminded me of you XXXX

Hello Hope, how are you? I think you username “Hope” is a good name!! Don’t suppose it’s your real name is it?

A fun exercise routine!?! Exercise isn’t supposed to be fun!!!! You sound like my wife!! Only joking, but I really wasn’t joking with my comment about it being better not to be near me when I exercise, cos I really don’t make exercise fun, hence, apart from cycling, I do it alone. Do you like sports/exercise? Sometimes I really really don’t wanna exercise, but the feeling I get when I’ve finished is great. It really is a natural high. People say you get addicted to the release of adrenalin and hormones and I completely believe it. I actually feel bit down sometimes and guilty if I don’t exercise when I know I should have.

Yeah, it’s mainly women on here isn’t it. I’m a bit outnumbered so need to watch my comments!! Having 2 sisters, I’m used to be outnumbered though! Not really fond of it, but what can you do!!?!

Hi Brencoot,

Thank you for your message, and your exercise tips.  Well, I like exercise and sports as long as they are fun for me.  I like being outdoor, so walking, playing Frisbee, cycling, golfing and swimming are some of my favorite activities.  Also since my Depression in 2006, I’ve discovered Yoga, Pilate, Ta chi, and am really enjoy doing those exercise when I get the chance to go to the class.  However, it annoys me that I don’t always have the motivation to get there especially when life gets hectic if you know I mean?  Consistency is not always here in my exercise routine :-0

It’s good to have you here on the forum, and you bring a male/different perspective.  My partner is very athletic, and he would drag me out of the house and exercise with him in the park sometimes.  I guess it is a good thing to be pushed sometimes, right?  I really enjoy the aftermath of exercise - I feel so alive and refreshed.  Actually I’m quite proud of myself today, I went to a Body Balance class even I didn’t really feel like it:-)

Hope you are well, and I admire your consistency towards exercise - great effort!!!

Yeah, Hope is a beautiful name, and if I have a daughter one day, I’d like to call her hope.

lol

Hello Kayfer wanted to send you a hug and say I love you Did you get your hair done ? I still haven’t fitted my hair in Xx LOVE YOU HUG YOU XX

Hi my friends

Well here I am, my sons asleep on the settee and im sat in our little study, it is tiny and im feeling abit cold in here, it used to be a walk in cupboard until hubby decided to transform it, he’s done a great job, he is so clever at DIY - I wouldnt have a clue.

As for my hair - no i havent made the apt yet, I am so putting it off - I can really relate to you Hope about feeling nervous in going as i feel uneasy about chit chat and being asked anything, so a big well done to you, how did you have your hair done?  I have been to a salon when depressed in the past so I know I can do it but im worried I wont like it when its done and I may feel even more depressed, I did mean to make an apt for Tuesday or Wednesday while little one was at childminders but i didnt, so am annoyed with myself as Im sure it would make me feel good which im desperate to feel again. I have felt sooo tired lately its untrue, its such an awful feeling that seems to just take over and i just havent got an ounce of energy these days, I literally have to push myself to do anything, I managed to walk to the drs yesterday, my back was killing, thankfully its ok today - the dr signed me off for another month if I need it, i was meant to be back Tuesday but im nowhere near ready for it. I do feel abit guilty for this time off work. Ive never had sick days off before so I prided myself on that, oh well - it cant be helped.

I drove to Argos yesterday to get my cardmaking kit and paint by numbers and found myself crying driving back, a sad song set me off and all I could do was think of my mum and how sad I feel for her, it was such a relief to get back in one piece, I wouldve walked but its too far, the traffic was terrible, but I did go in lunchtime rush hour, I dont think I should drive if I can help it, luckily we are in a good location so its rare I need to use the car, when I got back my gardener and a neighbour were there and saw Id been crying, I felt so embarrassed, my gardener bless him was so concerned about me and asked ‘have you just had some bad news’, he cheered me up abit, he’s a lovely bloke and used to be a Royal Marine Commando and sings in karaoke - he wants me to go and watch him this weekend (but im not sure) dont want to give him the wrong idea, he seems to like me if you know what I mean

He is married though and so am I - he’s lovely to talk to and thats it, and besides he is 60, he ran the London marathon only 3 years ago, so he’s very fit for his age, perhaps he should be my mr motivator lol. Im not sure he’s happy though as always has a can of lager on the go, he was even having one yesterday morning, I opened the door to ask if he wanted a coffee and I saw he had a can of lager, strong one at that, it saddens me does that - it reminds me of my mum and her drink problem (I think they’d be made for each other) mind you the way I felt yesterday I couldve joined him in that drink but am proud to say I didnt have any yesterday. I have used drink as self medication in the past and arent doing it anymore, as I know its a depressant with me and that would not help me in the long term, but I do miss having a glass of wine or two in the evenings, now I just have a small Baileys or perhaps shandy and thats it nowadays.

I must go and get something done, house is right tip. Hubby will be home in an hour, he came back last night from Italy so thats good, oh and he gave me a pressy this morning - a flipping bottle of Grapefruit Vodka, I wasnt too happy as know Id love to drink it but know id best not, perhaps I’ll try a small one tonight though, im sure that wont hurt, think I deserve it as pushed myself to take little one to the childrens centre this morning, I felt like such a spare part and was feeling quite sorry for myself until a new person turned up and I was asked to introduce her to the lady who runs it, so that made me feel better and I even gave her my number as we will be going to a kiddies dance thing next week. So may have another new friend, she’s from Corfu and has a 15mth girl. Ive never met anyone from there before, but went on a 18-30 holiday when I was 18, it was great fun.

I will go get something done, promise. thanks for all your messages again, hope your all well.

Hi sister Kayfer,

I need a break from all the packing.  Just had a fight with the boyfriend…I hate it when it happens.  I don’t take criticism very well.  He made a comment about my Labeling writing being too small appearing on the boxes, and I didn’t like it.  Hence the fight started.  It is silly really, but it did happen and I am a bit upset about it.  It’s better that I just get away and cool down a little bit :-0

It’s good that you don’t drink to run away from the problems anymore.  I remember that I used to EAT my sorrows away when I was younger.  WELL DONE, SISTER!  Sorry to hear that you don’t have too much energy at the moment.  I know how that feels.  Just wondering if you are getting enough sleep, drinking lots of water, having a balanced diet etc… There are a lot to do for being a mother, a wife especially when you are experiencing depression.  Well done for all the things you have been doing for your son, your husband and yourself.  I think you are so brave and amazing for all you do on a daily basis.  I often wonder whether I’d have the courage to have kids one day knowing that I have depression.  Really YOU ARE DOING A FAB JOB, and it is very admirable.

I’m glad that you will take more time from wok, coz I think you really need it.  You are so much better, but having to work would add extra pressure on yourself especially when you are not feeling 100% yet.  It is a lot when you have a young child, a household to look after, a job to attend to for 21st century’s women.  In the old days, it was a different story.

Well, I went to the local salon, coz my usual salon is too expensive.  Luckily the local salon is good and cheaper.  I went in for a trim as my hair was getting really messy and bushy.  However, I ended up having a color done as well as the trim.  Just felt like to look and feel a little different, I guess.  I had my hair layered and added some chocolate color to it.  Spent a bit of money on myself, but it is worth the trip.  I didn’t talk much at all at the salon.  Just read my magazine and drank my coffee, and it was fine.  Sister, you’ll go and book yourself a haircut when you are ready.  There is a time and place for everything, and I know you’ll find the right time for you.

So your hubby is back.  Are you going to spend some quality time with him this weekend?  He sounds like a lovely man, and I hope you are enjoying your weekend.

We are going to see the family this weekend, and moving back a few boxes.  Hope to have some down time too.

Thinking of you, sis and love you very much!

lol

Hi my lovely sister

Thanks for your message, its lovely that you take the time for me, I feel honoured. I think my son is geting bored but im not even dressed yet, ive managed some ironing, I just feel so rough again, headachey, I wish I felt more lively, I dont even have the energy to get showered and dressed, I shall wait now till hubby is home in about an hour, half day friday.

Your hair sounds lovely, I like the sound of that, infact youve inspired me to have something similar, i had red and blonde highlights in january and i looked good but think a warmer colour would be best as i look so washed out and pale lately, i may put some fake tan on, ive never looked so bad. i looked better the week i gave birth, well perhaps thats a slight exageration but my god did i look bad, i looked like a ghost lol, its a wonder my hubby didnt have nightmares afte watching the birth, unfortunately I lost 4 pints of blood so things didnt go too well, he thought he was going to lose me at one point, it really was a traumatic birth. I do wonder if thats what this depression is all about sometimes as i never really did talk about it much. I had no pain relief just gas and air and had to be induced, I dont know where the strength came from as I dont like the slightest bit of pain, something just took over, instincts for my son to come out as poor thing was stuck. its a wonder ive not had flashbacks from that - but thankfully everything turned out well, before we tried for a baby I remember telling a friend at work that I felt scared at having a baby and all that goes with it but she reckoned the thing we’re most scared of is the thing we need the most, im so glad we have him now, he is our world.

now i am tempted to go ring my local hairdressers who are good but cheaper than the usual one i go to, which isnt often, i used to have a mobile hairdresser who came here but gave up as it was such a fath about getting hold of her and i do feel more pampered at a salon, it feels more special.

im sympathising with you on your argument with boyfriend as I know how that can make me feel, I dont like it either when hubby says anything detrimental to me, I cant stand any criticism and could quite easily punch him sometimes, but he means well and is lovely, he is a saint, when I first met him I used to love the song Wonderwall by Oasis, ‘your gonna be the one that saves me’ well he’s done that for sure, its just a shame I let things get me down so much, we could have a wonderful life if I just let us, its as if im scared to be happy.

must go see what my son is getting up to, bye for now, have a good day, i know its not easy though when packing. xx