hello again

i forgot to say no im not exercising, my diet could be alot better and no im not drinking enough water - so I guess thats something I need to be watching

so this afternoon i shall have a good walk
have had 2 pints of water so far so will have another 4 pints
i have eaten well so far today, had wholegrain cereal, fresh fruit and shall have pasta and tuna for lunch

have to go again, sorry - thanks for that though i do need reminding about that lol.

i also need to ring my hairdressers, perhaps this weekend they may do it feeling better already at the thought of my hair done.

Hello All. Hope you are all well. Funny that you were talking about water cos me and my wife talk about that a lot cos she didn’t used to drink much at all, but now she drinks at least 1.5L or more a day, and can’t go without it. She used to claim that it was impossible for her to drink even half a litre, which I disagreed with in the nicest way possible! Think I said something like “what a load of crap!!!” or something equally articulate!! I’ve heard that something 75% of headaches are caused by dehydration. It’s also one of the main causes of tiredness. One of the main reasons you feel tired when you wake up in the morning is cos you’ve gone 7 or 8 hours without drinking water.

All the talk of exercise is good, keeps us all thinking about exercise and therefore probably more motivated. I still think the best exercise is a nice walk outside, keeping your posture good as you walk.

Well, I hope you all have a nice weekend.

Hello Hope, how are you? Any plans for the weekend?

Yeah, consistency/routine with exercise, and diet is really important. I think humans function much better with good routines, even though routines can be boring. We are creatures of habit whether we like it or not, and we work better when we have routines. Does your husband like to exercise with you or does he prefer to do it alone? It’s nice if you can do stuff together, although it’s also important to have some things to do on your own, isn’t it?

Well, I hope you are OK and that you have a great weekend.

It’s contagious you have me power walking over hill and over dale and my friend who I walk with is fitting an extra walk in at night time after our power walk in the dark. We saw the most wonderful mushrooms in the woods. Sometimes we spot deer rabbit fox. Look what you have done to me, I was a hermit. You have inspired me. I have reduced 4lb, last year I followed marissa’s diet and I felt wondeful reducing 2 to 3 dress sizes. I have been following her diet and mind set again. Funny how i see things in a different perpective if I eat the marissa way. Odd, must be the extra vitamins and minerals I am getting. I feel wondeful at the moment Xx Pasta makes me drowsie so I have been eating more greens. Cheese sends me to sleep ! Bread makes me feel blooted and sluggish. Too much milk makes me feel starving. I just stick to raw now. here I go again I read marissa’s book last year and then thought why not ! so i gave her diet a go. My labido came back, the zabba zabba doo and my zing eee zing zing so I am back on it again now. I slipped and got to idol to chop the fruit and veg. Now I have the energy back not to mind chopping the fruit and veg it is no effort wierd yet true. Yes completely love love love routine because I was boarding school for 9 years as a child so I am so in harmony with routine. A friend of mind who had depression said the doctors swear by routine it brings balance back into peoples life. My friend who runs marathons said she puts her exercise routine first. It is her priority for her mental health and well being. I learn from my daughter she naturally thrieves on plenty of exercise good food and a good routine. brencoot thank you again for bringing this to the forefront. Routine I love, yes I am developing a routine. I love routine it is so in my comfort zone. Not had my hair done yet Kayfer, hairdresser is worst than the dentist thank god it grows back. I need a long fringe or I look dreadful one millimeter too short and my I AM NOT ENOUGH comes flooding back. I am a true samson bad hair no strength. Anyway sexy lady you are wonderful diet sounds excellent as well really really healthy healthy XXX I used to love tuna and pasta when I was younger can’t eat pasta now it makes me light headed and dizzy really wierd. Now I make tuna omelettes ha ha Xx Kayfer you are wonderful Xx you have achieved so much please praise yourself xx

Hello Elaine XXXx sending you lots of love and best wishes and hope you are feeling better soon Xx

thanks Chloe, im sad to say but ive had a terrible day, nothing bads happened but ive been so upset over such little things, my hubby said to me late this morning, ‘calm down, dont be getting stressed’ when I didnt feel I was particularly, i was just trying to get my son ready to take him for a walk but he kept walking away, so on my walk all i could think of was him saying that to me, but I managed to turn it into a positive thought.

anyway later on in the day my hubby mentioned the vacuum cleaner cable and why was it tangled up, i was the last to use it so again i felt touchy about that and said he was been abit picky today, to which he disagreed with, i did say look say what you want to me but im feeling particularly sensitive today and am likely to react in a bad way.

then he mentioned two towels in the bathroom just asking what are they for and again I got all touchy about it and said, look ive been depressed and not been on top of things, im sorry but yes i am useless you dont have to remind me do you.

well since then ive been crying about it and feel so low about it all, i did go out last night and had too much to drink, ive not had an anti d for about 3 days as weaning off them and wonder if thats why im so sensitive and touchy, but ive felt like two steps forward and one back and feel so pissed off with him for even saying anything, no matter how trivial, as I just feel like its touched a raw nerve as know ive been useless on the housefront, i honestly feel like im drowning in my own mess, i can just about look after my son and thats it, its a nightmare (it isnt really to anyone else but it feels it to me).

yesterday i went to my lifecoach and left on quite a high really and came home smiling and really thought i was going to start turning a corner and then today has just proved me wrong, ive never said this or thought it before but I think im close to feeling suicidal, thats how awful it all feels.

what do i do now? i cant take anymore of this. I was kind of bullied into going out last night, i wasnt keen but our gardener wanted me to go and see him sing so i thought well it may do me good, hubby seemed more than happy for me to go out, but then ive gone and spoilt it by having about 6 drinks which is far too much when ive hardly had any lately. my son has been hard work today - I feel so stressed and under pressure to get better, nothing seems to be happening. thank god i have another month off work and im lined up with a counsellor and lifecoach as im going to need them these next few weeks, i feel so lonely in this, im scared hubby is going to lose it with me before long, i cant seem to pull myself together, im such an emotional wreck.

any advice please, im sorry its long. dont worry im not going to do anything daft but feel quite desperate in this frame of mind im in, im sure i’ll feel more stable tomorrow after a good nights sleep and chance for the alcohol to leave my system, what was i thinking, I did enjoy the night though, just a shame im like this today. i shall have an anti d tomorrow morning and do some exercise - something i just havent been able to do, i need abit of energy first.

Kayfer bless you Xx Please pat yourself on the back not beat yourself up Xxxxx you have done so well XX I have had the same thoughts in the past with my husband. I used to get them very much the same when my daugther was little. My husband would say something and it would eat at me and I would get so upset. I think it’s because I was tired and always on the go. With depression the thoughts are probably exaggerated more Xx My husband says things to me as if he is blaming me for this that the other. I have asked him to sack me a couple of times if I am not up to scratch then laughed. I turned to him the other day and said I do my best for praise, I work really hard to want you to praise me and appreciate me I don’t get up in the morning and try to piss you off all I want is praise, then asked him not to moan because I am doing my best to please him not annoy him, if there is something that makes him cross I haven’t done it on purpose. How are you feeling today ? I do worry about you and care very much XXX Where you impressed with the gardeners singing ? Did you enjoy yourself ? My husband gets all grumpy with me when I’ve out with my friends and neglected him ha ha might just be a man thing Xx Hope you are feeling better today LOVE YOU LOTS XX

I have been reading all what you have been saying. I just haven’t had a minute to get in touch.
You see my life is all work. I need to work. I work usually 7 days per week. I have a full time job which is MOnday to Friday 8am to 4pm in an office sort of environment and then on the weekends I work Saturday and Sunday 8am to 8pm as c Care Assistant in a nursing home. I am off today and I hate it but I have to take the odd day off to keep my husband happy. Although I working all of next weekend and he is slightly annoyed because it is also my birthday next weekend. My husband is fantastic though because he keeps the house and does everything which I don’t have the time to do.

When I am off, I drink too much alcohol. Kayfer was it you that said you used to but don’t anymore. I know all the reasons why I shouldn’t take it but the escape is great and I only drink to get drunk.

I have been reading about Kayfer’s and Chloe’s relationship with their mum and again mine is quite similar. I cannot speak to her about how I feel or what went on in my teens because she then gets upset and the whole family turn on me. Not long after they threw me out of home at 16, mummy got sick and I have since been blamed for the whole thing because it was brought on by stress. My sister told me only a few years ago that she could never forgive me for having destroyed the family and mummy. That makes me so angry because all I did was tell them I had been raped and abused by a family friend. Don’t get me wrong I was a bit of a mad teenager and oh boy do they like to remind me, but I have got over that rebellious stage. Don’t all teenagers go through it.

What I find admirable about all of you that have children is that you could still become mothers knowing that how you raise that child will have a massive impact on their lives and you shape their future and how they become as adults. That was enough to put me off ever having children. Sometimes I think it would be nice but then I remember the consquences of not doing it right. So I applaud all you that have families.

Who else is a librian, having a birthday this month. Doesn’t our star sign suggest we are balanced.

Good talking to you.

I will always be looking in and reading on your progress.
Thanks again for listening

When I first had my child I was haunted about disciplining her, I was worried I was destroy her or make her have hang ups like me, I used to stutter when I was a child and was very anxious, so I think I know where you are coming from. I have had friends comment on me being too soft and my daughter might become unmanageable. My behaviour with my daughter isn’t unique, I since have noticed friends behave the same as me. Then as I became more acquainted I realised they had a dreadful relationship with their mother or they were abandoned. I find it funny us human beings really do have a tell all behaviour we behave in certain ways because of our pasts. With every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I love my daughter the way my mother did not love me and one of my friends spotted it in me, then it dawned on me she was right and thats is why I take a humanistic approach to life. Yes my family have a sweep it under the carpet attitude and get very nasty if I remind them of the past. I would say guilty behaviour always gives an aggressive response. You haven’t done anything wrong XXXX beautiful precious lady XXXX it is dreadful what happened to you sadly nobody was strong enough to do right by you XXXX HUGS XXXX sadly somebody spotted the opportunity to take advantage of a beautiful gorgeous young teenager girl and that was so wrong and the barstard should be shot I am guessing for some reason your family were too frightened to confront him and had to shut you up and get shot of you before there was a commotion Xx

hello there Chloe and Elaine

Thanks for your support but thankfully im feeling alot better tonight and guess why - Ive had such a laugh with my little one, he was just hilarious earlier on and had me and hubby in stitches, im still smiling now, it was so funny, he has such a lovely infectious laugh and it just got me and I feel loads better for that, god knows I needed it as have felt so stressed and under pressure this weekend, luckily my hubby thought better today about not picking fault so Im spared. Not that he ever gets horrible about things but it depends what mood im in. My aim for the week though is to get on top of things in the house, I have to tackle it, or I’ll be getting a cleaner in lol.

Anyway im feeling happy for now at least and hope this can last till morning, as im off to see my new friend again for a coffee with little one for an hour and half so that shall be nice to have some girly adult chat.

I dont feel suicidal, I just got things out of perspective again, im learning not to, oh and ive also found a new hobby at last, cardmaking - I made my first christmas card today and im very pleased with it, it was great just losing myself in it while son had his nap, ive also asked my gardener if he’ll go running with me and he’s happy to, so thats good as I hate running alone. He used to be a PTI in the Royal Marines, so he’ll probably be able to run further than I can and he’s 60. I wont take it too seriously, it’ll be good to just to do something energetic for once, cant seem to do exercise in the house, the WII has just been for playing games on.

Ive just got to stay positive and upbeat if I can, I am enough. Oh and I am going to book my hair apt tomorrow, I will do it, its been months since I had it done.

Oh as for the karaoke Friday night, it was cancelled so didnt get to see the gardener sing so he came here instead and we all did some singstar, yes he is good and been singing for 25 years, he’s a fan of Westlife, he’s such a character, im glad we’ve become friends, he’s a good man. He goes to Karaoke once a month and wants me to go with him, just as long as he doesnt expect me to sing that is, his wife isnt interested in watching him sing, bless him. Oh and you should see his house at christmas - its amazing, he really goes to town with it and puts hundreds of lights on and moving animals in his garden, its really special, its only 4 doors from us, my son will love it he came first in last years competition, wonder if he’ll put some on ours, its funny how we’re just getting to know him, we’ve been just saying hello to him for the past 3 years and then when I asked him if he would mind doing our gardening, we just got chatting, funny really.

Hello Chloe, Elaine and Kayfer, how are you all doing? Did you have a good weekend?

Elaine, it sounds like you also had a rough childhood. Being a good parent is such an important job, and it’s a shame that so many people aren’t up to the job. I often wonder (it may sound a bit dictator-ish or something) if people should have tests and training before they are allowed to become a parent. I mean, it’s probably the most important job in the world, but almost anyone can do it, mature permitting. For most jobs, especially ones with a lot of responsibility, you need training and need to pass exams and interviews. Not many agree with this, and I realise it would be impossible to enforce and probably unfair, but it’s just a thought I have from time to time, generally after hearing horrible stories.

Chloe, yep, routine and good diet are vital to health and well being. I also cut down my bread intake and swapped milk for soy milk and lost loads of weight and felt much better. I think with a good routine, which involves exercise, if you stick to it, it also gives you discipline which I think it vital in a balanced person. I think everyone could do with some kind of stint in either the army or some similar organisation, like a community service thing, just to give us that discipline. God, I’m sounding like Hitler or something today.

Kayfer, I’m glad you picked up again after you were down for a day or 2. I think it’s fairly normal to have down phases. It would be unrealistic to just expect a constant improvement every day, but the important thing is that you fight back and that the general trend is an improving one, which it certainly seems to be, so well done for that. Do you like karaoke? I have to say, I can’t stand it, but that’s probably cos I’m an awful singer and the fact that I hate karaoke is good news for the world! A bit of useless information for you here, did you know that karaoke means Empty (Kara) Orchestrea (Oke - the Japanese have a slightly different pronunciation of orchestra than we do). It’s like karate means Empty (Kara) Hand (Te). There you go, that’s my useless info for the day. Use it wisely!!!!

I agree about the national service stuff because I feel it would bring solidarity and comradship Xx I have thought the same after being at boarding school as a child from 7yrs till 16yrs I can agree my family were my friends. I relied on my friends and found them kind and true and we kept secrets from the nuns together teee heeee. We looked out for eachother and would take in turns to take the blame for stuff and own up. Looking back it was so cute like the stand by me movie. I have this craving for milk at the moment given up the bread thats the easy part for me. The milk I am struggling with, I must say Marissa Peer said try rice milk and that was really nice. Milk makes me feel hungry and then I eat more than I need. I am drinking water. I am really proud of myself. I feel lighter on my feet and alot more whizzie. My new routine is stopping me feeling overwhelmed at the moment too Xx thanks Brencoot XXXX Kayfer you are so wonderful the way you pull through. Hope is upset today we need to send her some positive energy XXXXX

Hello Chloe, how are you? I’ve never tried rice milk, is it better than soya milk? Now I’m used to soy milk, I prefer it to normal milk on things like cereal. I think Alpro is especially nice, but not cheap. I still have normal semi-skimmed milk in tea and coffee though, unless I go to a cafe and then I might have a soya milk latte. Have you tried soya yoghurts? Again, Alpro’s flavoured soya yoghurts are nice, but not so keen on the plain one.

I never went to boarding school, but what you said about it was interesting.

Well, hope you are OK.

wow never tried a soya milk latte wow thats fantastic news because I love latte and milk makes my stomach ache. Rice milk is really nice thinner than soya milk less viscous whiter as well. I really enjoyed rice milk. I have tried soya cream in coffee too and that was lush Xx Yes I shall have to discipline myself and stop having milk. I do find it very uncomfortable when I have it. Actually I read somewhere ages ago we crave what we are allergic to. That is so wierd !! Yes boarding school was very very strict . I was laughing with a friend the other day about it because if the nuns weren’t strick we would have given them hell. They had to be really disciplined to have been able to manage us. They were really scarie women !!! they weren’t in the HABIT of being soft !!! no way. The routine was rigid and mass every morning except saturday when we went for a swim. We polished our shoes every sunday. Bed at the same time gosh come to think about it I was really comfortable in my own skin back then. Mind you when I left I had a mohican hair style with pink and purple streaks which I dyed with beetroot. I shaved the sides of my head with a lady shave and came down to Sunday dinner and my mum freaked and my dad said wow never had you down for being trendy. My dad then showed my mum pictures of punks he was very proud. I then wore tartan mini skirts fish net tights and black boots. Gosh I definitely did love myself those days, it was ace. I then had some really excellent friends at college and smoked behind the bike sheds. I have been power walking outside and feeling ace. However it rained really heavy today so I walked inside. I saw a fox today licking his lips king of the hill so the chickens have been locked up today, they aren’t very happy with me. The goats love everything healthy carrots celery potatoes my veggie patch !! however I would never feed them bread as they would bloat theres a thought, yet we eat it !!! Brencoot thank you for inspiring me I really do appreciate your help. I haven’t felt so great in ages. I was a fat and faulty now I hope to be a fit and Forty thanks to your wisdom Xx Your Ace XXX

Elaine Xxx I am guessing you are busy working hard Xxx just wanted to send you some love and best wishes XXXX speak soon XXXbeautiful lady Xxx